Can't bring myself to say it's over

[QueenOfConfusion]

Anyone fancy switching lives??? I've been with my OH for 7 years & have 2 kids. We're more like roommates! We have very little in common, we've had some atrocious fights & he has said some hateful things that I can't let go from my head. He is OK around the house, helps with cleaning n stuff. He's great with the kids, except for when we have a massive argument (which is about every few months) & my eldest has seen & heard the most awful things...when he flips he ROARS at me in front of them/anyone else.....he's called me all the names under the sun....a smelly cow & a stinking fat whore....think of all the worst things u could say to someone & I've been called it. He's punched holes in all my doors. I've tried telling him to get out but he refuses to leave then he'll be all nicely-nice & I eventually end up speaking to him. He calls me 'baby' & 'gorgeous' on a daily basis but I draw him daggers behind his back & cringe if he tries to so much as kiss me. We haven't been intimate in about 2 years apart from when I've had too much to drink, even then it's been about a year. He loves the kids so much & they love him but they do have bad memories of stuff that's happened.
Another thing is, he recently found out he has a very serious condition & has to have an extremely risky operation with a long recovery period. I feel guilty for wanting him out while going through this, I feel guilty because of the kids, I don't have courage to start 'the conversation' so I've just been floating along feeling sad, lonely & depressed for the last few years. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after my 2yr old was born but he made me feel too guilty to take the medication....told me I couldn't be a proper mum while I was 'out my nut' & 'walking about like a zombie'.
My day to day life is ok I suppose, we get on for the most part & even have a laugh now & again....more like friends tbh. We go out for dinner or go shopping. He doesn't drink anymore because of his illness, I prob drink more now than ever! He smokes weed, I don't & can't stand the smell of it. We're just 2 different people living in the same house who have 2 kids. I don't think he thinks anything is wrong, I think if I had to end it he would be shocked! Am I being selfish to want more, should I stop holding on to all the negative stuff that he's done & try to fix this or do I be selfish & rip this family apart because I want more & I want to be happy???

[Somerville]

You're not being selfish. You are instinctively wanting to be free of an abusive relationship. Your instincts are right! Listen to them!

Would you be friends with anyone else who has called you the names that this man has?

As for staying with goin to support him when he is ill... You were I'll with PND and he didn't support you. He even stopped you taking medication.

And it won't be you ripping the family apart. He has already done it, with his anger.

[adora1]

You wouldn't be being selfish, you'd be doing the best thing possible for yourself and your children, he has already damaged them, I pity your children, please do it for them, he's a monster.

[QueenOfConfusion]

Thank you for replying. These are all the things I argue with myself over...if that was anyone else speaking to me like that I wouldn't break breath to them again!! I look at myself in the mirror & say "what are you doing, get a grip" but then I walk downstairs & I can't physically bring myself to say anything. I have tried so many times. I feel like a coward.

[adora1]

Just get on and do it OP, stop thinking, do!

Your children are growing up nervous wrecks and looking at this as a model relationship, do you want to live with the guilt of giving them this crap life, they have no choice but you do.

[AcrossthePond55]

You can 'support' him (if you want to, I wouldn't) during this illness whilst not living in the same house. Just as you would do if he were really 'just a friend'.

Are you married to this paragon of manhood?

[QueenOfConfusion]

No, we're not married. I would love to be married but definitely not to him! I agree....I pity my children also....I've wanted to be a mum forever & now I am, I'm giving them the shittiest start in life. Even though I know all this, I still can't bring myself to say the words....to start 'the' conversation.....I'm a useless mum, I've failed my kids big time.....what's the point

[QueenOfConfusion]

adora1 you're right to pity my children....they are beautiful inside & out, maybe everyone should pity them, but I have let them live in a situation which has caused them stress (nervous wrecks as u put it) And again you are right....I don't want to (can't) live with the guilt of the "crap life" I have given them. Everyone would be better off without me anyway

[AcrossthePond55]

It sounds to me as if you're on the cliff-edge of splitting with him and wanting very badly for someone else to push you off, but deep down you know that YOU must jump.

Your children certainly wouldn't be better off without you, especially since the alternative would be them living with him 24/7.

You can do this. You really can. Maybe you could start by imagining life without him. It doesn't have to be completely realistic. Such as "I would pack bags for us and take money from the bank, buy train tickets and go to (insert favourite town). Then I'd rent a little house for us". Then just think about what it would be like, just you and the children without him there harassing and humiliating you. Imagine those quiet rooms, peaceful meals.

You've said you've asked him to leave and he won't. What is your housing situation? Own or rent? Name on mortgage or lease? Have you every spoken to a solicitor about your situation?