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How do you accept your husband's differencs and have no expectations?

(13 Posts)
mamof2boys Mon 11-Jul-16 17:40:37

Hi Ladies, I haven't been on Mumsnet for a very long time, but I'm feeling pretty desperate and feel like I can't offload (again) to family and friends. The issue is my marriage and relationship with my husband. The first thing to say is that I do love him and don't think for the most part that there's any intention to hurt me behind his behaviour. We've been together almost 11 years and married for 9. In that time he has rocked my world a number of times by; having a one night stand on a lad's night out (taking the woman to his mam's house when she was on holiday), has gambled over significant periods of time on 3 occasions behind my back and has on so many occasions talked/agreed we go a certain way in life only for me to find out from other people that he thinks very differently. I feel he's hurt me with his deceit, however with each issue I've felt we've talked and worked through things with neither wanting to end the relationship. Each of his major deceits have seemed to me to be best described as melt-downs. Despite being almost 46 years old and having a very responsible job, he doesn't cope with the responsibility of family life well. I believe it all gets too much for him and he flips and does something for self gratification. I have a hunch he may have ASD as our oldest son (not his biologically) has been through the diagnosis procedure and I've been on countless courses and read loads of books. In some ways, this would explain why we repeatedly return to issues and why he just doesn't seem to 'get it'. Ontop of the deceits, he has also been made redundant 4 times, our oldest son was diagnosed with additional needs and only last year our youngest was too (but on a lesser scale). We've had a disastrous stint living in the Middle East which resulted in me and the boys returning after 9 months and him continuing to live there for 13 months after our return. Add to this the sale of our house (while we were abroad) & losing ALL of our equity and we've had to start again from zero. So all in all, it's been a very rocky time which has taken its toll on our marriage. Sorry for this rambling post...I wanted to add some background! Now to this issue in hand, me and my husband are a world apart in so many ways. I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and feel like I'm his brain/memory which is exhausting. I'm self employed as well as looking after our two boys and attending appointments at school/medical on a regular basis. I'm responsible for all of the housework, food shopping, cooking and parenting. I'm literally exhausted and I feel I nag and moan at my husband constantly. The thing is he isn't lazy and if I ask him, he'll do anything. I'm just sick of asking and mentally tired from the situation. I know he loves me and the boys and is affectionate but he doesn't seem to read a situation. On Saturday, it was the oldest son's 13th birthday party at home. I went to the gym at 7.15am for 45 minutes as I knew there was loads to do. He went to the gym and was gone for 2 hours while I was at home running around like a mad woman. Then once the boys were all here he went to walk our dog and was gone for almost 2 hours again. I was left alone to cook all of the food and take care of a bunch of teenage boys. I felt put upon again. We had words when he came home and he couldn't see why I was cross. He then took himself upstairs and lay on the bed for the next 2 and half hours whilst I continued to see to the lads, cleaned up and eventually saw them all home. Is this acceptable? A friend of mine said I shouldn't have expectations of him and then I won't be disappointed. I'm so confused. We've been to marriage counselling pretty recently until I found out he had been gambling the whole time we were going and I was left feeling crushed. I had thought we were making progress. On top of this we've had an almost non existent sex life for 8 years, he makes no move towards me and I make none towards him. It's a big mess. Despite all of this, we bizarrely can get along well. I'm becoming more and more resentful and I don't like myself for it. Any pearls of wisdom to share ladies? Has anyone else ever had a messy marriage like this? Thanks xxx ps sorry it's such a long post.

TheRealPosieParker Mon 11-Jul-16 17:42:04

The first thing you do is talk.
Then talk.
Outline your concerns and ask for change.
The talk.

TheRealPosieParker Mon 11-Jul-16 17:43:26

Your husband is selfish, thoughtless and lazy. By The Way

adora1 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:50:29

I'm exhausted after reading that OP, you are effectively his mother and are shouldering not only your own personal responsibilities but his also, not fair, not right and not how a LTR should be at all.

Up to you OP, he won't change, it will carry on and you will become more and more angry and I understand what you are saying about not liking yourself but you need to remember there is an answer, you can simply stop carrying him and let him run free and make his own bloody life - I'd feel so used and abused if I was in your position, enough is enough.

Cut free, you're doing it all on your own anyway.

category12 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:51:43

What the actual fuck?

To get to a point where you accept your dh's "differences", you need to stop caring about his infidelity, his gambling, his complete disinterest in family life and no sex - in other words, stop caring completely. And if you do that, why bother being married at all?

I suggest you cut out the long-drawn out teaching yourself not to care bit in the middle, and get on with the divorce.

HandyWoman Mon 11-Jul-16 17:53:56

I'm just very very surprised you love this man, OP.

Deceitful, unfaithful, lazy, immature, entitled, different values in life, there is no real stability with him.. these are massive massive issues.

If you had a long talk with him could you really trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

I think that's the biggest issue.

Plus it doesn't matter whether it's ASD, or if he means to let you down and resent him - you just do

I'd be very surprised if this was fixable. Especially as you've only just finished counselling.

Cabrinha Mon 11-Jul-16 17:55:50

I didn't really get further than him cheating on you.
Skimmed the rest to see that disrespecting you isn't a one off.

There's absolutely no hope here.

ASD doesn't make you cheat, and it doesn't make you an arsehole.

He is a cheat and an arsehole who may or may not have ASD too.

Imagine the peace and stability when you go your own way without his shit to deal with!

Pearlman Mon 11-Jul-16 18:15:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cbigs Mon 11-Jul-16 18:22:41

Is loving him and getting on ok enough op?? Why would he change when he doesn't need too? What would you like going forward?

TheRealPosieParker Mon 11-Jul-16 18:40:10

I thinkI struggled to read it with no paragraphs...

You don't have sex, he cheated, treats you like servant...

What is good about your relationship?

mamof2boys Mon 11-Jul-16 19:31:59

Thanks for your opinions ladies. Apologies for the lack of paragraphs, I was writing the post in between looking after my youngest who is poorly. I'm all over the place.

Strangely he has came in from work and is acting like husband of the year. He does this after a big fall out, when I say I can't cope any longer. It usually only lasts days and things revert to normal.

I know you find it hard to understand that I love him, but having been through so many issues (not meaning his deceitful episodes) it has sort of meant we have had to knuckle down and get on with things. We don't argue non stop and we share the same hopes for the future.

However I do know that I feel let down and worn out from trying to make it work. The thought of ending our marriage and the effects on the boys feels unbearable. The bizarre thing is I'm ever so strong in ways but weak when it comes down to saying goodbye to my marriage. Xxx

category12 Mon 11-Jul-16 21:05:08

I understand, I stuck with my ex for many years through cheating, gambling and disengagement - in my case, he would fuck off down the pub for hours under the pretext of getting something from the shop. It's hard to let go when you have tried so hard to make it work.

But actually when I did let go of it, it was such a relief. I didn't know how unhappy and how low my self esteem had fallen until I got out and - the sun came out and life is so much easier and better without him. Even if practically it's all on me, it's easier because the emotional weight is lifted.

Laquitar Mon 11-Jul-16 23:00:31

When i read the title i thought it is about liking different things, like beach holidays/city break, football/ theatre, London/countryside, that short of 'differences.'

You don't seem like you are a couple tbh. Sorry. Are you sure that you love him and you don't think you do because you live abroad and you are isolated? Therefore you just need eachother?

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