Hi Ladies, I haven't been on Mumsnet for a very long time, but I'm feeling pretty desperate and feel like I can't offload (again) to family and friends. The issue is my marriage and relationship with my husband. The first thing to say is that I do love him and don't think for the most part that there's any intention to hurt me behind his behaviour. We've been together almost 11 years and married for 9. In that time he has rocked my world a number of times by; having a one night stand on a lad's night out (taking the woman to his mam's house when she was on holiday), has gambled over significant periods of time on 3 occasions behind my back and has on so many occasions talked/agreed we go a certain way in life only for me to find out from other people that he thinks very differently. I feel he's hurt me with his deceit, however with each issue I've felt we've talked and worked through things with neither wanting to end the relationship. Each of his major deceits have seemed to me to be best described as melt-downs. Despite being almost 46 years old and having a very responsible job, he doesn't cope with the responsibility of family life well. I believe it all gets too much for him and he flips and does something for self gratification. I have a hunch he may have ASD as our oldest son (not his biologically) has been through the diagnosis procedure and I've been on countless courses and read loads of books. In some ways, this would explain why we repeatedly return to issues and why he just doesn't seem to 'get it'. Ontop of the deceits, he has also been made redundant 4 times, our oldest son was diagnosed with additional needs and only last year our youngest was too (but on a lesser scale). We've had a disastrous stint living in the Middle East which resulted in me and the boys returning after 9 months and him continuing to live there for 13 months after our return. Add to this the sale of our house (while we were abroad) & losing ALL of our equity and we've had to start again from zero. So all in all, it's been a very rocky time which has taken its toll on our marriage. Sorry for this rambling post...I wanted to add some background! Now to this issue in hand, me and my husband are a world apart in so many ways. I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and feel like I'm his brain/memory which is exhausting. I'm self employed as well as looking after our two boys and attending appointments at school/medical on a regular basis. I'm responsible for all of the housework, food shopping, cooking and parenting. I'm literally exhausted and I feel I nag and moan at my husband constantly. The thing is he isn't lazy and if I ask him, he'll do anything. I'm just sick of asking and mentally tired from the situation. I know he loves me and the boys and is affectionate but he doesn't seem to read a situation. On Saturday, it was the oldest son's 13th birthday party at home. I went to the gym at 7.15am for 45 minutes as I knew there was loads to do. He went to the gym and was gone for 2 hours while I was at home running around like a mad woman. Then once the boys were all here he went to walk our dog and was gone for almost 2 hours again. I was left alone to cook all of the food and take care of a bunch of teenage boys. I felt put upon again. We had words when he came home and he couldn't see why I was cross. He then took himself upstairs and lay on the bed for the next 2 and half hours whilst I continued to see to the lads, cleaned up and eventually saw them all home. Is this acceptable? A friend of mine said I shouldn't have expectations of him and then I won't be disappointed. I'm so confused. We've been to marriage counselling pretty recently until I found out he had been gambling the whole time we were going and I was left feeling crushed. I had thought we were making progress. On top of this we've had an almost non existent sex life for 8 years, he makes no move towards me and I make none towards him. It's a big mess. Despite all of this, we bizarrely can get along well. I'm becoming more and more resentful and I don't like myself for it. Any pearls of wisdom to share ladies? Has anyone else ever had a messy marriage like this? Thanks xxx ps sorry it's such a long post.
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Relationships
How do you accept your husband's differencs and have no expectations?
12 replies
mamof2boys · 11/07/2016 17:40
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Pearlman ·
11/07/2016 18:15
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