Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He cannot empathise with me at all.

(19 Posts)
BillyBlueCack Mon 11-Jul-16 08:51:07

I totally lost it with my family yesterday and my partner (who I'm supposed to marry in a few weeks) totally can't empathise with me, says I need to see someone "Not that hippy Mindfulness" hmm

I say, Im human and I have my limits.

My partner has been working very long hours the last week, and ontop of that had to work on Saturday as well.
He text me from work on Saturday and said he got a formula 1 ticked for Sunday. I encouraged him to go, despite being on my own with two squabbling children because he's been working hard and deserved it.

Turns out he couldn't go because it turned out the ticked he was offered wasn't a full ticket. Or something.

So he comes home and in the morning he sleeps in past 09.30 and I'm telling the kids to be totally quiet to let him sleep as he's been working.

At 10am I take the kids of to a local park/farm for two hours. In this time DP does the food shopping.

In the afternoon, I tell them I'll cook them a roast as its a crap rainy afternoon and we're stuck in. I also buy them a family film on sky to give them something to do.
After roast the kids are still going mental so I suggest a walk as the rain has cleared.

All during me doing this, I'm being nagged by one or both of the kids. For God knows what reason it's always 'Muuuuum!' They moan and not Dad. The 5 year old throws tantrums left right and centre and is generally going through an attention seeking unpleasant stage.

After the walk we end up in a pointless arguement about a pair of shoes.

I eventually totally lose. In the car I shout, slam my hand on the dash and call them all ungrateful bastards.

I totally lose it.

Every part of my bloody day was spent thinking of them and trying to do stuff to make them happy and all I've had back is tantrums, whining and an arguement about a pair of shoes.

He says he cannot see my point of view, that he doesn't get why I lost it.

I say I'm human and I have limits.

How on earth can I marry someone who has absolutely zero empathy. He said himself that he cannot see it from my point of view.

I KNOW I shouldn't have shouted and slammed my hand onthe dash and called them all ungrateful bastards. I KNOW I'm wrong, I'm trying my absolute best to be a perfect mum with no anger (Mindfulness helps!) but from him I get nothing back.

Just judgement.

Help please.

BillSykesDog Mon 11-Jul-16 08:54:53

I need to see someone "Not that hippy Mindfulness"

So is what he's saying is that he thinks that you need to 'see someone' as in a health professional? Why would this be a bad thing? It does sound like you're under high levels of stress.

mickyblueyes Mon 11-Jul-16 10:34:57

Can't you take yourself out for a day one weekend, shopping, girls day out etc...leave the kids with him? He might appreciate/empathise with you a bit more if he's left to deal with everything.

ravenmum Mon 11-Jul-16 10:44:58

Calling small children bastards does sound pretty nasty to me, and I do understand why you were feeling pissed off.

DoreenLethal Mon 11-Jul-16 10:47:27

Stop being perfect. Let them be bored. Tell them if they are bored you will find them some chores to do.

scallopsrgreat Mon 11-Jul-16 10:53:02

What was he doing through all this? Why wasn't he sorting out the tantrums etc? Why is it all left to you?

Have to agree with ravenmum about the language used though. But you know that.

VestalVirgin Mon 11-Jul-16 11:16:45

So, you already have children with him, but aren't married?

What are your plans for the marriage? Will the money he earns while he is working so hard pay for a babysitter?
Or will he demand that you pay for the babysitter because the children are, supposedly, your job?

Since he has no empathy, you will have to make sure that if the marriage ends in a divorce, you will have the money to make up for your loss in career, etc., and you will have to make that sure by writing it down in a contract. Have a look at your options if you didn't already.

eloelo Mon 11-Jul-16 12:13:59

I can feel your exasperation. And rightly so, it seems you are alone in this.

MrsJackAubrey Mon 11-Jul-16 12:57:55

I've done that too - not the end of the world.

He sounds like he needs a good bloody shake. He's taking your input for granted, all that invisible emotional work you did all day long that he simply isn't seeing. It is he who needs to 'see someone' not you, he needs to learn how to empathise, it isn't that you need to learn how to manage yourself.

You sound perfectly nice and normal to me!

BillyBlueCack Mon 11-Jul-16 13:18:24

I never should have called them that, no.

I'm glad people can see why I'm exasperated.

I just don't know how to fix this. The probably is souly mine according to him.

Vestal I hope it doesn't end in divorce.

BillyBlueCack Mon 11-Jul-16 13:29:55

For what it's worth, he does try and help sort out the tantrums.

It's no really enough. I just don't want to be judged and I want to be bloody appreciated.

My weekend revolved around trying to make them all happy.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jul-16 14:11:06

Well then take yourself off for a weekend.
Leave them all to it.
See how they get on.
I'm sure he'll cope fine.
Just do it.
He can only gain empathy by doing what you do.

VestalVirgin Mon 11-Jul-16 15:28:24

Vestal I hope it doesn't end in divorce.

That's fine - just make sure that IF it does, you don't stand there with nothing. His willingness to organize things in a way that means you are safe and well off in case of divorce would be an indication of how much he cares for your wellbeing.

It is possible that he is just not good at feeling empathy. But then he should be willing to listen to a rational explanation of things and act accordingly.

newname99 Mon 11-Jul-16 15:57:58

I'm confused by the responses, a mum swears at her family is aggressive slamming her hand down, admits she totally lost it (no control) and the dad is at fault?

I think he is suggesting anger management for you.You don't get empathy when you frighten your family.Admit you were wrong, learn your triggers and figure ways to deal with the stress rather than lash out.

You are finding parenting stressful which we all understand but that doesn't give you the right to behave badly.If a dad had done this then what would be the responses?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Jul-16 16:25:43

Her triggers are; a useless 'D'H who does fuck all to help and has no appreciation of what she does do!
We all lose it with our family sometimes.
You see it here all the time.
'Am I a terrible mum' etc. etc.....
We are allowed to lose our shit every now and then.

HuskyLover1 Mon 11-Jul-16 16:25:53

Look, everybody loses it sometimes. We are only human after all. Although, I have to say, when I last "lost it", my DH and DD (adult) were so shocked by it, that they did everything possible to calm me down and make me feel better. Why isn't he more bothered about how run down you feel?

SandyY2K Mon 11-Jul-16 16:27:29

I understand your frustration. Mum is on the tip of their tongues all the time. I admit I've felt the way you do and in my mind have said everything under the sun.

I have walked out of the house to calm myself down and come back and gone straight to my bedroom for some peace.

My DH did not empathise and thinks I exaggerated. This was about 10 years ago though when the kids were younger. The closest I got to empathy was when I went away for the weekend and came back, he was more or less handing me DC as I got out of the car. I could see he was worn out.

I would just like to say that there is no perfect mum. We all try our best, but it's a hard job with minimal recognition a lot of the time.

When dads get stressed out with the DCs, we should equally empathise. I just think if you had posted this saying your DP lost it as you did - there would have been a lot of nasty critical comments about how awful he is and a few LTB comments. We can all lose it once in a while.

I once told my lot they'd send me to an early grave, so I totally get how you feel and am not placing judgement.

Your DP probably didn't want to make a big deal out of you loosing it with his comment. Perhaps trying to lighten the moment and calm you down a bit.

OrlandaFuriosa Mon 11-Jul-16 19:05:55

Is he capable of empathy and does he empathise on other occasions?

If so, look at the triggers for both if you in this situation.

If not, then think about whether you want to be married, seriously, and if a long term relationship with him is right.

Feeling for you.

LesisMiserable Tue 12-Jul-16 12:24:57

Dead simple. Stop being a martyr. Learn. If you run yourself ragged again trying to keep everyone happy you WILL be unappreciated again and it WILL be your own fault. Your a mum not a f***ing clown it is not your responsibility to be switched on to "entertain" mode at all times. As for your partner, if you act like you live to please him don't be surprised if he expects it and wonders why you're annoyed.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now