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What's wrong with me?

(19 Posts)
Cantgoonanymore Sat 02-Jul-16 17:45:20

I'm married with 2dc and I'm in my early 40s. I'm a sahm and I do love my dh and children, but I'm so unhappy and I don't know how to carry on, or what's wrong with me.

Outside of my dh, I don't have any friends at all. I thought I did, but unless I chase them, I never hear from them and they don't make any time for me.
I try to be a good friend; I always remember birthdays, etc and I always say yes if they need anything from me. I listen to their problems and try to offer support/advice when needed, but I don't hear from them unless I contact them first.

I've tried leaving things to see if they'll contact me, but I end up giving in because I'm so lonely. The longest I've left things has been 7 months. I've asked previously if I've upset them and apologised just in case I have, but they always say that I haven't and that they're just busy, but surely the odd text only takes a second.

I'm not as fun/can't do as much as I used to due to poor health, which is not going to improve, so I wonder if that is the problem.

I'm going through a lot atm with my eldest dd and I could really do with a friend to talk to and some support. It's got so bad and I feel so lonely that I can't stop crying. Just writing it all down is upsetting. I feel like a worthless, useless person and I must be because no one values my friendship. If I knew how to fix myself, I would.

If I knew what puts ppl off of me I'd try to change it. I just wish someone would tell me what I do wrong.
I'm pretty sure I have Aspergers, and I know I can go on about things and can share too much to soon, but I'm a loyal friend and would do anything to help anyone who needs it. I never thought I was an awful person, but I'm starting to think that I must be if no one ever wants to make an effort to stay in touch with me longterm. I'm the common denominator so it must be my fault.

I don't want to go through life like this, but I can't see a way out. I've tried joining clubs, etc, but I always seem to be on the outside.
It's become so bad that I just feel like walking out the door and disappearing for good. I really don't think anyone, except my immediate family, would miss me and that hurts.

What can I do? How do I make myself more likeable? Any advice appreciated. smile

milothemonkey Sat 02-Jul-16 18:12:26

Very very similar situation except that I've realised my marriage is also making me lonely. I have no friends. I've always been on the outside. I can go through days where the only person I communicate with is my dc. It's an eye opener taking to school gate mums who always have friends coming over for dinner, who plan activities with their family, etc. We have none of this. It is desperately isolating. I'm thinking of separating as dh is very much an isolated person also. It's miserable. No advice. But you aren't alone.

Cantgoonanymore Sat 02-Jul-16 21:36:47

Thanks for replying. I'm sorry that you're in the same position as me. I know that it sucks. I can relate to not speaking to anyone for days. My DC are usually to busy to talk to their mum other than to ask for food!
Generally, I just have my dogs to talk to, which is fine but I do get bored of my own voice and although they give great cuddles they're not great at giving advice confused.

My dh is lovely, but very much a workaholic for the last few years, so I've lost my best and only friend. This week I don't think we've spoken more than a few sentences to one another (Is my dinner ready? Did you buy the milk? etc). We aren't affectionate anymore as he's either working or sleeping. The house can be full, but I'm still so lonely.

I know it's pathetic to feel sorry for myself, but I do. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without any friends, but I don't know how to fix it.
I volunteer for a charity, I've joined various clubs, etc, but although I chat to people and we seem to get on it never goes further and old friends can't be bothered to keep in touch. I get that people's lives are busy but I don't think that the odd text and/or bi-monthly (or even just monthly) get together is asking too much.

I'm so hurt that I often find myself crying and I can't seem to help it. I'll be out and about and it will suddenly hit me how lonely I am and I can feel the tears brimming. I've even taken to sitting in cafés on my item just to be around other people. God! how sad am I?

Maybe we should start our own club, lol.wink

Anyway, I'm sorry that you're in the same boat, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Do you have any idea why it's like this? Any suggestions welcome.

Why do you want to separate? Do you think your dh contributes to your isolation? Did you used to have more friends and now you don't; or has it always been this way? Sorry for the inquisition, just interested to know your views.

HeddaGarbled Sat 02-Jul-16 23:53:04

Have you researched Aspergers? www.autism.org.uk is good.

It's not that you need to make yourself more likeable. People with autism can struggle with social nuances. You could change how you are to fit in with neurotypicals. Or you could try and find a more like minded and inclusive social group. Aspergers support organisations would be a good start. Then there are activities which while not exclusively Aspie, attract a lot of Aspies e.g. Trainspotting, birdwatching, gaming, history, science, maths etc.

Can you look at getting a job? Being a SAHM is socially isolating without the added complication of Aspergers.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 03-Jul-16 00:01:40

I know how you feel. I don't really have any close friends and when I hear about groups of friends going on weekend trips together I feel really envious. I love my DCs and my DP but it's not the same as having close friends is it? I'm not close to my family either, occasionally meet up with one sister for coffee but rarely see my brother as they live quite a way away and we don't get on very well anyway.

I joined an evening class to try and make new friends but I still felt left out there as everyone already knows each other. I ended up not going to their socials as I was too uncomfortable, so even less likely to get into their group! Plus they are all quite a lot older than me. Nothing against mixing with oldies grin but I was hoping I'd meet someone who I could go out dancing with as I quite miss all that!

Incognita82 Sun 03-Jul-16 07:33:41

I can relate to this thread! I have a couple of friends I see occasionally, but generally I am on my own most of the time with the DC. I'm a lone parent since I caught my ExH cheating. I have always felt like an outsider, even at school and generally don't see friends unless I chase them.

I've done a handful of online tests and I always come out as having some asperger traits and some not. I do like a lot of alone time, but I also do like socialising with people I know.

I've come to the conclusion that I am just not the kind of person people are drawn to. The good thing is that this bothers me less as I get older (mid fifties). One thing I realised during the break up of my marriage is that I can really only be me and like you OP I think I am a pretty decent person and a good friend. Its their loss!

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore Sun 03-Jul-16 08:01:51

You could change how you are to fit in with neurotypicals

Um, most people with an ASC 'mask' on a daily basis so that they/we're (I've been referred for an AS assessment) better able to fit into an NT world. But it's not the same as 'getting it'. It's still utterly confusing and meaningless, it's just less obvious to everyone else.

Suggesting that the OP should change is like telling a deaf person that if they listened a bit harder they could hear. hmm

Cantgoonanymore Sun 03-Jul-16 11:12:41

Wow!! Thanks for all the replies. When my eldest was diagnosed with ASD the consultant said she was pretty sure I also had it from what she'd observed. I haven't been formally diagnosed though, as I don't see the need.

I've spent my life trying to fit in and done some pretty daft things as a result. I'm now at the age when I think if people can't like me for who I am then tough. I'm a loyal friend, always willing to help out and I think I'm a good listener. I'm articulate and I don't smell, I dress "normally" and I can keep a secret. I can't really change who I am, but if I knew what I was doing wrong I'd certainly work on it.

Thanks for the words of support TheMorning. What made you go for a formal diagnosis? Do you have any tips?

Incognita I'm sorry that your xdh treated you so badly. It sounds like you're better off without him, but it must be hard sometimes. You must be a very strong person; I'm not sure I could do it on my own (I think all lone parents must be). I do enjoy my own company and I love reading and art/craft stuff, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone other than my dh to talk to. I'd love to have some GFs so we could get together occasionally and have a chat over a glass of wine. Do you really think it gets easier as you get older? Or do you think you're just more resigned to it?

Mark that's exactly it. The clubs I've joined are all established and they all know each other already; and whilst they're friendly it hasn't led to invites outside of the club.
Also, like you, they're all a good 15yrs older than me, which whilst not a problem, I'd like friends of a similar age too.

Watching stuff like"Friends" or "The Big Bang Theory" is depressing because I wish I had something like that; a small group of close friends who are always there for one another. I don't need lots, just a few good ones would do!

I get on quite well with my parents so I tend to visit them once or twice a week, as at least I have someone to talk to (and it's nice to spend time with them).

Thanks for all the replies; I really appreciate it flowers Sorry for the epic post.

springydaffs Sun 03-Jul-16 11:35:09

Friends and Big Bang just aren't realistic! Granted, some people have that but imo it's not usual. So don't measure up against that model, you'll end up feeling shit!

Agree that you could try working or volunteering. It's good to be part of a group that is working on the same project as a team - however, volunteering is a bit less pressure (usually!)

Imo it's good to have general social interaction on a moreorless daily basis ; even trivial interaction does the job eg did you see the tennis / eastenders/brexit etc. If people don't get your flavour then that's their loss but being part of a team curiously allows for differences.

You sound very caring.. and I'd watch out for that. You don't have to voice it or move into showing you care too quickly. Apart from anything, you'll be a magnet for takers who have no intention of giving..

springydaffs Sun 03-Jul-16 11:37:12

And quit apologising for yourself. You know you're a good person, you don't need others to agree.

Cantgoonanymore Sun 03-Jul-16 12:07:11

Thanks Springy. I've been volunteering for the last 6yrs and I always go to their monthly coffee morning's and their bi yearly meals out. Although ppl are friendly and we seem to get along well, it's never been extended outside of these events. I've suggested meeting up a few times, but it never went further.

My dh and children don't want me to work and my health precludes it atm anyway. I'm in constant pain so I'd worry that I wouldn't be reliable in the workplace. I used to be very social, but my dh isn't and he doesn't like/approve of going to pubs/clubs, etc. Tbf, I think I'm past that age now anyway.

You're right, in that I have found I'm the one watching ppls children or giving them lifts, etc, but when I need them, help isn't so forthcoming. It's when I bring it up that we seem to drift apart and they no longer contact me.

What you say about daily interaction is right. Where I'm at home alone all the time I don't really have anything to talk about or anything interesting to say. That's part of the reason I often go to cafés on my own, just for some social interaction.

Klaptout Sun 03-Jul-16 12:18:58

Some good points already made. Don't try and change, you are exactly who you are meant to be.
My children have ASD as did their Dad, I think I'm on the spectrum too.
When I read your post I nodded along thinking you sound just like me!
I don't have an extended family and my DH died, I have a few people who I would class as friends, but like you I have some health issues which then lead to me cancelling meeting friends, then I feel awkward making another arrangement with them.
I go long periods of not hearing from people, though if I text them they do usually reply.
Have you had a look at Meetup.com, so many groups for all kind of interests, I've joined up to several of them, the ones for anxiety in my area have a few members who identify as being on the spectrum. I've not actually been on any events as I don't feel brave enough.
Roughly whereabouts do you live? There might be other people on here who would like to meet up.

springydaffs Mon 04-Jul-16 00:42:15

Erm. Your husbands doesn't approve of pubs and clubs??

Can you explain that a bit?

Cantgoonanymore Mon 04-Jul-16 08:35:39

He hates pubs and clubs (anywhere with lots of alcohol). They're not his thing at all; and whilst he wouldn't stop me going with friends (not that I have any), I know he'd be worried about me drinking too much as I tend to do daft things. I'm a massive people pleaser and that's magnified 100fold when I'm drunk, I find it impossible to say no, especially if they've been nice to me. It's led to me getting into dangerous/awkward situations in the past so I can understand why he feels that way.

Anyway, don't we all compromise/change things about ourselves or how we behave when in a relationship? It's not just yourself anymore; you have someone else's feelings/opinions to consider.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 04-Jul-16 09:47:11

Yes OP, my DP hates pubs too, so we never go. I'm not a massive drinker anyway, but very rarely drink now as it's odd on your own! I think we all alter things slightly to fit in with our nearest and dearest, nothing wrong with that.

eddielizzard Mon 04-Jul-16 10:07:14

i think you sound great and i don't think you need to change who you are. here's what i see is the problem - don't forget i don't know you, i'm just a random stranger:

you're a kind and warm person. you're lonely and you want friends, so perhaps you offer help too soon and share too soon in order to show that you're a nice, kind person worthy of being a good friend - which you are. trouble is, all that attracts are users who aren't really prepared to put in the same effort.

now i'm still warm and friendly and happy to strike up a convo with anyone. i still invite people for coffee or to an art gallery. i DON'T offer help and don't share personal problems until i absolutely feel comfortable with that person. if i'm asked to help i do, but i don't continue friendships with people who don't reciprocate. if they don't reciprocate it could be for any number of reasons, but the bottom line is that is what is important to me - a mutual friendship where confidences and help go both ways.

a few years ago i was like you, lonely, fed up of being taken for granted and needing some real friends. now after years of hard graft, not running after people and not giving too much away too soon i have a handful of great friends who i can rely on.

you will find those people too.

springydaffs Mon 04-Jul-16 12:00:31

Great post eddie

eddielizzard Mon 04-Jul-16 14:15:26

thanks grin

Cantgoonanymore Wed 06-Jul-16 22:53:40

Thanks for all the replies; I'm really touched that people have taken the time to post.

That rings a bell with me too klap I also spend ages analysing things I've said/texted in case I've said something wrong. I've heard of meetup.com and may try to see if there's anything in my area (southeast).

eddie I think you've probably hit the nail on the head; I'm a very open person and I definitely share too much too soon. I'm trying to back off and not offer help so easily, but it doesn't come easily, and so far it's backfired, in that now I have no one to talk to as they haven't kept in touch.

I'm desperately lonely, but I obviously need to change how I interact with others; and I need to give it longer and not cave in like I usually do.

Thanks for your thoughts; you've all given me lots to think about and some ideas to try. smilestar

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