Husband unbearably rude to me and DS

[OhNoWhatWillHappenNow]

Have NC'd for this.

I got up very early today, DD was going on a trip. Home around 5.30 so went back to bed. DH and I had discussed last night about getting DS to school. He needs a lift to his friend's to walk - can't get there any other way. Usually I take DS, drop him and then drop DH at the station. DH said last night (though we didn't actually confirm it 100%) that he could drop DS and then drive on to the station. I said, let's see how we get on in the morning.

It took me a while to drop back to sleep, but I did, into a really deep sleep and didn't hear DH get up for his shower. Next I know is DH shaking me twice with "It's 7 now". Nothing more. I think I must have dropped off again. He then came back and started slamming doors and shouting at DS to hurry up and so on - general mesage, he was expecting me to get up. I was just coming round when he started getting very agitated about what was going on, didn't know what he needed to do with DS etc etc.

So in my daze I got up. He got very cross very quickly about the fact that (apparently) I hadn't answered his question about time to leave and so on (I had been asleep!). I then said, look, I am awake now, I will just take you all. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but figured I might as well just do it. DH still ranting, no you go back to bed, but I am now wide awake mid argument so what's the point!

DS, bless him, appeared and said, Dad, you only needed to ask me and I could have told you what time I need to be at Friend's house to walk. The fact that DH does this school run with me 3 days out of 5 and should have known seemed to escape DH at this moment. He then shouted at DS for interrupting us. I said, actually, he has a point, he could have told you. He is nearly 12 and he is pretty reliable for this information. He shouted at poor DS again. I then got dressed and went to sit quietly in DD's room. Took a few deep breaths, just to calm myself, didn't want to break down in front of DS.

DS came past DD's room to brush his teeth and came in to check on me, I told him that neither of us deserved to be shouted at but that I was ok. DH then sought out DS to very clearly apologise and said that he should not have shouted at DS and was very sorry about it. Absolutely nothing to me other than ranting (quietly) again about how "he has to do everything around here". Words I simply cannot believe I heard from him.

I cried after they left, it felt like a real turning point for some reason. We've been here before with DH making unreasonable demands and declaring that no one else does anything at all, all the burden falls to him, but it's been a while so it was a really massive shock.

I am trying to stay calm, I have so much to do today, but can't clear my head from this extraordinary outburst.

Based on past experience I think it is possible, but unlikely, that he will apologise. Just wondering if I have anything to apologise for, as his mood was so so awful, it is possible he will either be radio silence or could send some sort of message once he has dropped DS and got on his train to that effect.

Don't slate me please, I am look for impartial advice. Thank you.

[OhNoWhatWillHappenNow]

I forgot to add that at 4am when the alarm when off, I snoozed it, and after the first snooze he said "it's gone off twice now, are you going to get up". Which could be interpreted as "dont' forget you need to get up" or it could mean "I am annoyed that this has been snoozed, you had better get up". Not sure which.

He also said to me as he approached me whislt I was trying to stay calm in DD's room, in a very threatening manner, "I am really going to lose it in a minute". He clenched his fist, but came nowhere near me, but there was real hate and anger in his face and in his words.

[katieks]

I think reading this it was more of heat-of-the-moment thing and that your husband was feeling under pressure and stressed and took it out on you. I think he's embarrassed by having it pointed out to him that 'Duh, you could have just asked DS what time' and that's what's stopping him apologising.

See if he apologises through the day (I doubt he will as his mind will be elsewhere whilst you'll be brooding on it). Mention how upset it made you feel tonight if you want an apology. If he doesn't give one, then he's just an a**hole and then I'd probably give him silence and the cold shoulder for a little while to let him know that (probably unhelpful though).

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now? Why are you and he together?

And no you have nothing to apologise for but he certainly does and he will not do so either (this is repeated behaviour from him by all accounts). You seem to be on eggshells (aka living in fear) waiting for his response which seems either to be radio silence (sulking is never about silence, its learnt behaviour and passive aggressive) or some passive aggressive message.

Your children picked up on all this as well. They are far more emotionally mature than their dad is.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that yes this is how people really do behave in a relationship?.

[Blu]

Hmm, he really works himself up into a 'poor me' rage, doesn't he?

I do this sometimes, in a general fury, but always apologise / get a grip of myself.

Talk to him later, when calm, and no DC around.

I would be very irritated if an alarm went off twice at 4am. If you have to get up then, just do it, don't prolong the disturbance. But that isn't a reason for all that carry on!

[OhNoWhatWillHappenNow]

Thanks Katie, and yes, I agree that it could be heat of the moment. It came out of nowhere, have been no undertones or niggles or things brewing over the weekend or recent days/weeks. Such rage, in a matter of seconds, it was like someone had taken the lid off a shaken bottle of fizzy drink! We've been together 18 years and he has periodically "exploded" but I don't remember one quite like this, not in many many years anyway.

But pressure and stress about taking DS on a journey we do together at least 3 days a week?? I don't think that can be the trigger. And yes, he will probably have been embarrassed that he could have just asked DS what normally happens on a Monday.

He was just annoyed that he had to get up (despite the fact that I was up at 4am!) and all the stomping and huffing and slamming is making the point of "I go to work, you swan around at home". Hence the "I have to do everything round here" comment.

Term time, school hours working would be nice, but not that easy to get round here, and the one time I did get a job which would have fitted the bill unfortunately I fell ill for several weeks, so couldn't start it and he said it would hardly have been worth my while. . Financially it wasn't going to be taking us to riches, but it was a job at least. Anyway, for reasons other than DHs disapproval it genuinely didn't work out.

[HandyWoman]

I'm sensing there's more to this. A sense of walking on eggshells and difficulties being upfront with communication.

His attitude to your PT job that nearly was, suggests to me that being SAHM means 'd'H should never have to feel inconvenienced by family life. Hence the rage this morning.

[Costacoffeeplease]

The clenched fist and 'lose it' comment would be the end for me - one small step from swinging a punch

[pallasathena]

I'd tell him very cooly and calmly that if he spoke to me like that again or if he clenches his fist aggressively in front of me one more time, I'd be down to the nearest solicitor's office for my free half hour legal advice.
Don't be intimidated.
He's not very bright is he?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

So, he discusses the 'fair' division of tasks in front of ds.
He shouts, repeatedly, at both of you.
Your ds is sufficiently upset to 'check if you are okay'
H doesnt apologise to you, only ds (mine does this, it's divide and rule I think?)
And he 'warns' you he is about to 'lose it' with a clenched fist?

You need to do what I am doing, I think, and start making plans for a permanent change.

[SandyY2K]

At least he apologised to your DS. I know that's little comfort to you now.

I think he was stressed because it's not something he does daily and didn't want to 'fail', so he shouted in panic.

I'm not sure if this is your youngest child at 12, but looking for a pt job your sanity if nothing else would be worth it.

I hear from a lot of men resentful that they are the only earners when kids are in school, but part time work is harder to get.

[OhNoWhatWillHappenNow]

DailyMail - he didn't discuss that in front of DS. DS had gone to his room to finish getting ready for school at that point.

He doesn't normally shout repeatedly, but this morning yes, he shouted at DS at least twice and just wouldn't stop shouting at me. Once he had apologised to DS after a few minutes he then said nothing to me other than the "lose it" clenched fist comment.

I think DS was quite upset, gave me a hug as they left, which he wouldn't normally do (though to be fair I am normally going with him, so perhaps hard to say that).

Has now briefly apologised, but believes I am also at fault for making him so angry. Apparently I wouldn't answer his question (but he hadn't asked one, just kept saying "what's happening what's happening" or something like that) and that I kept going on about the alarm (?) whereas it was him that moaned about the alarm going off twice in five minutes at 4am so I don't understand that

Gutted that it involved DS, just mortified about that, what on earth must he think. He stood up for me, tried to alleviate the situation, only to get a totally unnecessary earful. I don't want him to be afraid to stand up for people he thinks need help in future.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

OhNo sorry if I got that wrong about discussing it in front of ds. My error.

But it aint good if your H is still telling you why it is your fault. Especially - 'it's your fault I am so angry' - that is a big red flag.

[OhNoWhatWillHappenNow]

Hi Sandy, cross posted, yes, at least he did apologise to DS and quite quickly.

It's a different dynamic between us as husband and wife and him and DS. How he behaved towards DS is inexcusable in anybody's book, and he did recognise this. But he clearly feels I am as much as fault as him for the row that he and I had. Even if I was equally responsible for the row, the way he conducted himself was still, to my mind, completely out of order and a totally disproportionate and outrageous reaction. He has, in a small way, apologised, but he's still at work so it was a very brief exchange of messages and I know it is really hard for him to talk at work. Even at lunch, everyone is just "there" so you can't make anything other than very short to the point phone calls.

I would love a part time job, and am actively looking, but it's really hard to come by - evenings and weekends just don't fit with our family life and most of what is around is shifts and weekend cover for various jobs. I do everything I can to ensure that family life runs smoothly, that everyone has what they need, but he clearly feels I don't do enough.

He doesn't do that trip on the school run daily, but he is in the car with us three days a week doing this exact trip to drop DS (and usually DD if not away) to walk to school.

[HandyWoman]

You didn't do anything to make him angry.

Neither of you had confirmed the morning's plan. Both of you are responsible for that situation.

Ad a grown adult who holds down a job and goes on the school run 3 days a week he should know what time he needs to leave the house.

It was a sustained attack. You tried to appease by just getting up anyway. He then came to find you to make a threat.

Now the dust has settled it's still your fault for making him angry. Massive massive massive red flag.

Google 'cycle of abuse' sometimes the periods are months or years. But they are still there. He's doing just enough of this to keep you in your place.

Your 12 yo can see how bad it is. I hope you can start to see how bad it is.