Financial abuse - when is it too much?

[IAmTheBadOne]

Hi ladies

Not sure where to start..

Been with DH for 12yrs, married 7yrs - anniversary this Monday.. We are in late 30s with two young children

[Dragongirl10]

Oh op, this is very scary to read, l hope you are Ok.

Firstly he is never going to be responsible with money, he has proved that countless times, you have bailed him out before and now he expect you to always do it.
For me this would be a deal breaker as l couldn't live with the stress of worrying about whether Dh is going into debt.

This is NOT how most couples live ..do not let him say that to you....most decide on budgets, and take responsibility to stick to those plans for daily expenses, savings etc.

Secondly he is behaving like an entitled brat by dodging the accounts and leaving you to shore up the shortfall, knowing how stressful you ( and anyone else would) find this. This is not the actions of a loving husband.

Lastly he is becoming threatening when you push him to face this issue, this is a huge red flag.
I am so sorry but it sounds disastrous to a marriage, how can you live like that.

[IAmTheBadOne]

Dragongirl, thank you for your reply

I thought I could handle it all but realised I need to draw the line now

I spent couple of hours considering my options last night - I am giving him ultimatum to sort things out and prove to me how that is going to work moving forward. Otherwise I will ask for separation.

DH doing accounts now and came up with plan to shred his cards and consolidate debt in one loan (again!) which I simply will not put my name against. He needs to find the way out - I am more than happy to support with advice but nothing more.

He has anxiety issues and on meds, he always had anger problems I just need to learn not to get sucked in and react back in anger (which I am often guilty of)

Fingers crossed there is some way to fix it

[Costacoffeeplease]

In sorry but this all just seems like a sticking plaster on a broken leg

He continually gets you into financial problems, won't talk about it, and is now getting physical?

I think you need to cut your losses and separate now - things are getting worse, not better and the sooner you're free of him the better

[TendonQueen]

You've tried hard with this, but for your own physical and financial safety, and that of your kids, I think you need to draw a line and get out. I would say as little as possible till you get home, make positive but vague noises about his plan, and then move your funds out of the joint account. Don't 'ask for a separation' - it's not just up to him! Do it. Speak to his parents and say you want to stay on good terms and for them to see the kids.

[Helennn]

You need to not get sucked in and react back in anger? Are you kidding me? I'd be livid!

He has caused all of this, not you. He will never change because he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. If I was you I'd tell him I was leaving now, don't waste anymore time on him.

[Dragongirl10]

Hi op,

Please be careful as he will not be happy if he knows you are thinking of leaving....he is very used to you sorting his financial problem and supporting him...he will be angry you are challenging him to sort his problems himself .

You seem very organised and capable..could you plan to be ready to go somewhere immediately if this situation turns in a direction you don't feel safe..hopefully it won't come to that but if you have all important Documents etc already and a plan then you will have more confidence to carry this through.

Good luck and keep posting