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Financial abuse - when is it too much?(7 Posts)
Not sure where to start..
Been with DH for 12yrs, married 7yrs - anniversary this Monday.. We are in late 30s with two young children <5yrs
DH has never been good with managing money, took me a while to realise. We struggled financially at the beginning of our relationship, with me moving from abroad/starting career and him selling his business/unable to find something he would be happy with. So the subject of money was always blurred by some events. On average he builds 5-10grand debt every couple of years and then comes with a tail between his legs asking to do something to sort it out (last time we remortgaged, but We split excess cash and i took £3k out to keep it safe in my individual account. The reason I did it is that I knew otherwise money will disappear within weeks)
Anyway, just to give you a perspective, we have joint account (massive mistake) but in last 6 months I made some significant changes to how our finances are managed - with pretty poor results though. I have calculated what is our joint spent and other individual commitments and decided to move surplus of my salary into my individual account. Since then I had to subsidise our joint account on 3-4 occasions as we were almost over. My DH each time promised that he will review what went wrong, but he then dismissed the topic and every time I prompted him to do it it finished in a massive argument and him calling me miserable and boring.
Today was a final straw for me. We are on holidays abroad. He has loads of cash and says he saved up for hols, I drill where he got it from and he has a go at me that I should be grateful and say thank you that he thought of it. Today He is out with our DS and texts me - please move X money to joint account. I log in and realise that he literally paid almost 1k credit card bills from our joint in June without telling me. Btw I have cc which I pay from my individual account. Also £1k out to his account ("his holiday saving"). I am £400 short to pay childcare.
I kept calm told him that we can't pay childcare and he replies he would sort it tonight and fix it all. When we meet late pm he does not want to talk about it. When I push he tells me to f.. Off and that he does not give a shit and to stop being boring (at that point I walk off). I ask to hold holiday budget from now on and he does not agree as I am too tight apparently.He would not put boys to bed, playing the card - you love doing it so much. Anyway I put boys to bed,, 10pm I want to take laptop to go through it, but he watches telly so I am not allowed. I ask him to do accounts as he promised, he says he is too tired. I ask him again, he ignores me.i know he will not do it tomorrow or day after. I take some cash, leave to room to go for a walk/bar, hesitant whether I should take some cigarettes with me, try to open the door and he grabs me violently telling me to leave the room key card (I only took it as I know he will not wake up to let me in). For him inconvenient as air con went off, so he is visibly angry with me. I pull away and run off. I can see on his face he is mad, I am scared.
I am at the hotel reception now, I don't know what to do. I am so confused. I don't want to make any angry decisions but I feel the whole financial situation is not right and I resent him for lack of transparency, and lack of respect for me as a wife. He laughs that all is 50/50 - I could not agree more, but in fair relationship when each one respects the other attitude to money and decisions are made jointly. I feel pushed/bullied into some decisions.
He told me today that this situation is absolutely normal - bollocks. Please tell me it's not..??
I want to tell his parents about it - we have a very good relationship, but he messes with my head saying that they have their own opinion of me, so I am worried they will not be supportive - although apart from his word there is nothing to say they would not.
Where do I go next with this? Am I exaggerating?
Sorry wifi is very bad here I may not be able to respond easily/quickly but I appreciate all your views/advice
Oh op, this is very scary to read, l hope you are Ok.
Firstly he is never going to be responsible with money, he has proved that countless times, you have bailed him out before and now he expect you to always do it.
For me this would be a deal breaker as l couldn't live with the stress of worrying about whether Dh is going into debt.
This is NOT how most couples live ..do not let him say that to you....most decide on budgets, and take responsibility to stick to those plans for daily expenses, savings etc.
Secondly he is behaving like an entitled brat by dodging the accounts and leaving you to shore up the shortfall, knowing how stressful you ( and anyone else would) find this. This is not the actions of a loving husband.
Lastly he is becoming threatening when you push him to face this issue, this is a huge red flag.
I am so sorry but it sounds disastrous to a marriage, how can you live like that.
Dragongirl, thank you for your reply
I thought I could handle it all but realised I need to draw the line now
I spent couple of hours considering my options last night - I am giving him ultimatum to sort things out and prove to me how that is going to work moving forward. Otherwise I will ask for separation.
DH doing accounts now and came up with plan to shred his cards and consolidate debt in one loan (again!) which I simply will not put my name against. He needs to find the way out - I am more than happy to support with advice but nothing more.
He has anxiety issues and on meds, he always had anger problems I just need to learn not to get sucked in and react back in anger (which I am often guilty of)
Fingers crossed there is some way to fix it
In sorry but this all just seems like a sticking plaster on a broken leg
He continually gets you into financial problems, won't talk about it, and is now getting physical?
I think you need to cut your losses and separate now - things are getting worse, not better and the sooner you're free of him the better
You've tried hard with this, but for your own physical and financial safety, and that of your kids, I think you need to draw a line and get out. I would say as little as possible till you get home, make positive but vague noises about his plan, and then move your funds out of the joint account. Don't 'ask for a separation' - it's not just up to him! Do it. Speak to his parents and say you want to stay on good terms and for them to see the kids.
You need to not get sucked in and react back in anger? Are you kidding me? I'd be livid!
He has caused all of this, not you. He will never change because he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. If I was you I'd tell him I was leaving now, don't waste anymore time on him.
Please be careful as he will not be happy if he knows you are thinking of leaving....he is very used to you sorting his financial problem and supporting him...he will be angry you are challenging him to sort his problems himself .
You seem very organised and capable..could you plan to be ready to go somewhere immediately if this situation turns in a direction you don't feel safe..hopefully it won't come to that but if you have all important Documents etc already and a plan then you will have more confidence to carry this through.
Good luck and keep posting
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