Missing my ex when I shouldn't be, abuse related

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Hi please help me deal with all of this, one min I'm feeling strong and justified and the next I'm a quivering wreck. I miss him but I shouldn't

[1horatio]

I'm not sure... Maybe try to distract yourself? Do something that makes you feel happy and strong?

Good luck!
You deserve better.

[Oddsocksgalore]

Every time you feel like this think of a time when he was a bastard to you.

I used to record my ex husband ranting at me and when I was wavering I would listen to them and I absolutely knew I had done the right thing.

Good luck.

[markingthebench]

One day, I admitted to myself that I would always miss and love my ex, despite everything, and that I was still finding it hard to see him as a monster, even though he had clearly been abusive.

That night, I had a terrifying dream in which I was cuddling him and comforting him about everything that happened. In my dream, he suddenly turned really nasty, said "ha, fooled you", told me I would never see the children again and threw me out over the garden fence.

I think this was my subconscious taking care of me. It's okay to accept feelings for what they are, but vital to keep hold of common sense and the truth.

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Thanks for all the advice, I feel strong most of the time then something little will happen and I find myself sobbing and cant imagine ever feeling happy again. It's so strange to have 2 such contrasting feelings, I'm just trying not to think about it too deeply and remember all the reasons why I am doing this.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

How long has it been since you ended things with him?

It's totally normal to have conflicting feelings and to miss an abusive ex, by the way. Abuse works by reeling in a victim, so it is hard to get unhooked. And you may also need to mourn the loss of your good times with him.

I personally believe that some of the good memories of relationships with abusive men are "real", and that they are not all down to charm and manipulation. So it is totally possible to sincerely miss some aspects of the relationship, all the while knowing that you couldn't put up the abuse in that relationship anymore.

You will feel happy again.