Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Im felling pathetically hurt by this friend.

(13 Posts)
HintTaken Tue 14-Jun-16 14:32:13

Ive name changed.

Friend is actually a family member and we were best friends for many years. She moved away to another part of the UK about 5 years ago and of course we havent been as close and saw each other maybe twice a year when one of us travelled to visit. Over the past 3 years or so we have kept in touch via whatsapp and phonecalls and ive been to visit her a couple of times. One other time was planned but she cancelled it with a few days' notice saying she was working. She has been 'home' several times over the last 3 years and because all her and her partner's family are here she of course has lots of people to visit when she is here but every time she says she will come to see me, meet for lunch or coffee and leaves it as vague as that and then it never happens. When i say she is home, i mean staying with her parents 5 minutes drive away and will be visiting other family, some of which are less than 1 minutes walk from my house. It would be very easy to call in with me. Anyway, she was home this weekend, arrived on friday and left today. I saw her on sunday at her son's birthday party, but of course only got a couple of minutes snatched conversation. So i asked if she was free to have lunch yesterday and she said maybe. I left it at that. When it was time to leave i couldnt find her. I said goodbye to her partner and their son and i sent her a message saying that i couldnt find her but if she couldnt come and have lunch at least call in to my work (which is in the town where she is staying and all the family she is visiting live) and see me before she goes back. She replied that she would definitely see me before she goes. Yesterday came and went and nothing from her then she sent a message this morning saying she was away back now and there is never enough time to see anyone.
Tbh i'm angry. Its exactly what i knew would happen because it always does so i dont know why i am angry but it hurts. She came home once a few weeks ago and texted me saying she had been home but was away back now. Why even text me to tell me that? We're clearly not the friends i thought we were. I feel ridiculous for being so hurt by this. I guess i just let the friendship go now. Its very clear i'm the only one thinking there is a friendship there. But she is always saying she cant wait to see me and my children. And definitely we'll get lunch etc. I feel like crap, like i could burst into tears at any minute (i wont, i'm in work.) I'm supposed to be visiting her this summer with my DC (her invitation), this would be our family holiday but i'm actually thinking i dont want to go now. We could have a a nice few days camping or something with that money instead of paying to go and see someone who cant call in and see me for 5 minutes when theyre in my town.

I dont know what i'm asking really. Just need to get this off my chest.

NightWanderer Tue 14-Jun-16 14:40:44

I would just step back from the friendship. Make other plans for the summer. It sounds like she has a lot going on so can't be bothered making the effort to see you.

MangoBiscuit Tue 14-Jun-16 14:42:20

I had a very close friend for many years, since we were children. We live about 45 minutes drive apart, and have for several years. We got to a point were it felt like I was always the one visiting, whenever we'd arranged for her to come to mine, she'd cancel at the last minute. When I went to hers, she'd double book, and I wouldn't even get to spend time having a catch up as we'd be in a group. I ended up just not bothering to make arrangements, then eventually just not bothering to initiate contact. It was 2 years before I heard back from her, and she had a go saying I'd been a bitch for not making more effort. hmm

If she's a good friend otherwise, can you talk to her about it? Tell her how it's made you feel? If not and you've just had enough, YANBU to just stop being the one to make all the effort. It's a nasty, quiet sort of bitchiness that leaves you doubting yourself when a friendship is so one-sided.

DavidPuddy Tue 14-Jun-16 14:43:59

I moved away from home. When I go back there is so much expectation from so many people to see us. Added to that we are not always in charge of the plans. I feelbad that I cannot visit all my friends, though in theory it should be straightforward, but fortunately they understand. Going home is never fun anymore because most of the time is spent stressing about meeting other people's expectations.

spankhurst Tue 14-Jun-16 14:44:06

A poster on another thread yesterday wrote about 'mirroring' in relationships, i.e, you give to the person the time and effort they give to you. Sounds good to me.
YANBU to be hurt but you may have to face the fact that your friend doesn't have the time or inclination to maintain a close friendship with you.

Dogolphin Tue 14-Jun-16 14:50:08

Have a lovely time camping with your family and wait and see if she makes an effort. Either way you will have a lovely holiday.

Embolio Tue 14-Jun-16 15:06:01

I can understand you feeling hurt and disappointed OP but I think you are being a bit hard on your friend.

I live in a different country to most of my family and friends and when I'm back in the uk, no matter how long I go for, there is never enough time properly see everyone, especially now I have young kids and nipping about across/between cities has become a big hassle. If I've seen someone at an event id tend to class it as having 'seen' them on that trip. I admit to getting annoyed if people expect me to spend all my time travelling and visiting as being in the uk is usually our holiday and we want to relax, have lie-ins, go on day trips etc. The kids get fed up and my mum gets annoyed as we are treating the house like a hotel and she doesn't get to see us properly either. It doesn't mean I care about people any less because I haven't seen them in a while!

If people visit me then I can really focus on them and have a proper catch up. I wouldn't cancel the trip or write off your friendship - what a shame that would be. By the same account, perhaps you can't expect it to fill the role it had previously as your lives have moved apart. My best friend is still my best friend, but our relationship isn't the same as it was when we shared a flat, our lives have moved on. When I see her though it's like we haven't been apart.

Your friend was only home for a weekend - Friday presumably travelling, Saturday birthday party, Sunday/Monday relaxing/visiting maybe or perhaps they had an activity planned, Tuesday - travelling. If you live 5 mins from her parents house why not call round to see her one evening instead of expecting her to come to your work?

If your friend is anything like me I'm sure she's spent her weekend rushing around, trying to satisfy everyone and was probably thinking 'at least I'll get to catch up with everyone at the party'. I'm sure she wants to see you in the summer.

I haven't been home recently so I'm pretty sure this isn't about me 😄.

HintTaken Tue 14-Jun-16 15:09:21

I feelbad that I cannot visit all my friends, though in theory it should be straightforward, but fortunately they understand.

I have been really understanding, i always told myself it was because she had so many people to visit but there comes a point where you have to stop kidding yourself. it would be so so easy for her to see me. If it was important to her. If it isnt, then fine, friendships fade. I just wish she wouldnt make out she was so excited to see me when she isnt. Its that, that makes me think "oh she does want to see me, i'll see her this time" etc.

Thanks everyone. I'm just going to take a step back now. Whatever will be will be. It really sucks. We grew up together.

MrsSpecter Tue 14-Jun-16 15:11:29

If you live 5 mins from her parents house why not call round to see her one evening instead of expecting her to come to your work?

Without going into too much family history, that isnt an option.

MrsSpecter Tue 14-Jun-16 15:11:51

Damn ive fucked up my name change. Great.

Yoksha Tue 14-Jun-16 15:38:29

OP, I wouldn't put the family through those dynamics for a holiday. I think you need to cancel this visit and step back emotionally. Just give yourself space to reevaluate the situation. If you know she's visiting, just say cool. Don't organise anything between you. Lower your expectations, expect zilch. I promise you won't be disappointed. See how things materialize. If there's a comeback, just throw it back at her with a remark along the lines of:-

" you seem to be overstretched when visiting, so I'm just leaving it to yourself to how you manage your time. I've stopped making demands on you. They're not successful "

Give yourself a breather, it all sounds like it's getting too heavy.

sonjadog Tue 14-Jun-16 15:55:42

I think you should step back. I am in your friend´s place in this scenario - living away and visiting a couple of times a year. Firstly, you do have prioritize who you see because there are more people than I could possibly have time for, but tbh, my closest friends I always have time to see. If she isn´t making that time, then it is a sign that she maybe sees you as a friend, but not a close friend.

Secondly, I have also learnt that there are people who will talk the talk about how much they want to spend time with you, but it is just words. Really, they can´t be bothered and they just make it seem like they can because they want to be seen as a nice person. I think that if you live in a place you can tolerate such people better than if you are just there for a short time. I don´t contact people who behave that way to me after a couple of times. I have enough people to see without time-wasters. I suspect that your friend might have tendencies in this direction - she is saying the words, but she isn´t backing them up with action. Fine if you can deal with that, but it sounds like you can´t.

I think if you want to go this summer, then go. But go with your eyes open and take it for what it is. I put up people from my home country all the time. They are very welcome and I enjoy having them to stay. But it still does´t make them my best friends and priority when I get back.

HintTaken Tue 14-Jun-16 16:12:55

Yes sonja i think you could be right about her saying things to be nice.

I'll not make a decision about the summer yet. I'm still too upset to be deciding anything. No flights booked yet anyway.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now