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Porn . Am I a bit backwards?

(28 Posts)
user1465869811 Tue 14-Jun-16 03:15:35

Hi there, my partner watches porn and visits characters (I only just found this out by accident on his browser). He's been honest about using porn and I was fine with that, but I'm really struggling with the chat site stuff. I don't want him thinking I was prying (I really wasn't), but I've just got it stuck in my head so much that I feel ill. I have very low self perception and always think I'm ugly and fat, but this has just made me so much worse. I feel worried about trusting him. Help please my head will explode like a cannon soon

CuntingDMjournos Tue 14-Jun-16 03:19:57

You are not backwards
What are characters? He pays to direct women on screen? Ugh

AppleMagic Tue 14-Jun-16 03:28:07

I'd consider it cheating, but you have to decide where you want the boundaries in your relationship to be.

SpinyCrevice Tue 14-Jun-16 07:26:00

I would see it as cheating too and I would LTB

SpinyCrevice Tue 14-Jun-16 07:26:58

Oh and just because he says it isn't cheating doesn't mean he's right.

Oysterbabe Tue 14-Jun-16 07:32:48

I'm also not sure what visiting characters means.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 14-Jun-16 07:54:49

It seems the OP's partner is paying to interact online with sex workers, Oyster, most probably in the comfort of her home while she's out or otherwise engaged in another room.

What site(s) is he using, OP? Fwiw you're right not to trust him as, if he hasn't done so already, he's one step away from visiting prostitutes in rl.

If this thread isn't yours it may be of interest to you as evidence that other women also struggle with the mental images that activities such as your partner's conjure up www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2656495-Aworks-co-uk-what-is-this

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Jun-16 08:08:31

I think there are a couple of things you can do here. Firstly speak to him, discovering that sort of thing would upset a lot of people. You most certainly aren't backwards. Secondly, I'd want to know why? Do you have honest & frank conversations about sex? Is he repressed & unable to talk about it. My guess is there is something he likes sexually, which he is unable to talk to you about. It's quite pathetic of him to be like that. No idea, why people don't just ask. It's the old classic of sex or money causing problems here. You need to be direct with him. Good luck OP

WellErrr Tue 14-Jun-16 08:16:36

Visits characters?

AgathaF Tue 14-Jun-16 08:58:01

Of course you're not backwards. We all decide what our boundaries are, and what boundaries we can comfortably live with. It seems that he is stepping over what you find acceptable in a partner (I would absolutely hate this too). Does he understand how it makes you feel? Does he understand about your low self-esteem? He is really only a step away from visiting prostitutes, and is certainly getting his sexual jollies from this, so of course you are going to feel betrayed.

Is this a new relationship? Are you generally happy with him, apart from this issue?

adora1 Tue 14-Jun-16 13:52:04

The problem with regular porn use is that it can quite easily lead on to webcamming etc, you are not backwards, he is effectively cheating on you, why would you stand for that just because it's under the guise of `porn`.

RestlessTraveller Tue 14-Jun-16 15:18:30

Some women are ok with some aren't. The point is that YOU aren't, that doesn't make you 'backwards' you need to tell him and see what happens from there.

HelloHola Tue 14-Jun-16 15:43:17

I wouldn't have a problem with my OH watching porn, but I would if he was doing it instead of asking me for a helping hand if you know what I mean. Some people have big issues with it though - which looks like you do - and so it is in no way right for him to continue doing it.

I told my OH I would have a problem with him watching porn once we moved in together (we used to be long distance) and he stopped straight away. He said he didn't realise that it was a bad thing, but would of course stop if I didn't like it.

You need some mutual respect - sit him down and ask about it. Ask him why he thinks it's acceptable to go from watching porn and not being involved in the activities, to moving on to chatrooms and actually interacting with them. That is a whole new ball game and a little bit seedy of him to do behind your back.

It will be hard, but you have to tell him how it makes you feel - it's obviously hitting your self confidence hard - if you don't tell him, he'll keep doing it and it'll be a vicious circle of misery.

poocatcherchampion Tue 14-Jun-16 15:50:42

Characters = chat sites perhaps?

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 14-Jun-16 16:01:57

You are not backwards. You, like all of us, are allowed to have your own values.

user1465869811 Tue 14-Jun-16 19:52:56

Chatrooms.. not characters lol

AnyFucker Tue 14-Jun-16 19:56:46

I would consider that infidelity and act accordingly

Real time interaction is cheating

user1465869811 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:10:27

He's been on his own for a while before we met. He's been open about using porn, I use it too sometimes, so I don't want to appear hypocritical. I do trust him, he is incredibly loving and caring.

I know I'm a jealous type and have always struggled with that. We are both intelligent and talk well, but I don't know how to bring this up as I have inadvertently snooped around

LadyLayLay Tue 14-Jun-16 20:17:40

NBU. I felt sick and really betrayed when I found out my ex watched it sad It does nothing for your self esteem. And I would 100% take issue with the chat room thing.. That's just sleazy.

user1465869811 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:21:26

Funny thing is though I don't want him watching it, but use it myself. Hypocritical and controlling of me.

I have never told anyone I use it.. except for however many millions there are on here. I think I need to sort my head and beliefs out

LadyLayLay Tue 14-Jun-16 20:23:57

I think that's normal. I watched it on occasion too grin It's because YOU know there's nothing in it for you, just as there probably isn't for him, aside the "empty" thrill.

user1465869811 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:24:22

What does NBU mean?

And what does 'i would ltb? Mean. . Sorry new on here

LadyLayLay Tue 14-Jun-16 20:27:53

NBU - not being unreasonable
LTB - leave the bastard

CheerfulYank Tue 14-Jun-16 20:30:26

I'd be livid. I hate porn.

Followyourart Tue 14-Jun-16 20:30:35

I think watching it yourself and not being happy with him using it in the same breath is quite hypocritical.. Deep down it saddens me when I hear about couples using porn behind each other's backs.. Can't you put that energy into each other? Or am I the backwards one?
For me, it's about as boring as watching paint dry, the fact that you have to firstly imagine that they are enjoying themselves "for real" (obvs it's acting) is enough of a turn off already.
If you don't like him doing it, sit down and think about it , and why you do it - you don't have to like it. If I found oh using it, I think id leave eventually..might sound extreme but hey, I've got a contingency plan and everything . The worry about this possibility kind of ruins my day to day life, actually.....

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