First post on here, but feeling totally lost! My OH of 10 years is leaving me and our six year old DD. I cannot even begin to rationalise or accept the situation and feel totally devastated. He says he has "had enough" of me, and doesn't want this anymore. I am truly heartbroken for all three of us. I have asked him what went wrong and there are all sorts of things that were clearly getting on his nerves that could easily be changed (without compromising ourselves as people), but he says it is too late and that he "doesn't want this right now". "RIGHT NOW"??!!!! WHAT ON EARTH DOES THAT MEAN. His plan is to move over an hour away (to avoid the commute to work) and continue to pay for everything this end whilst I finish my degree (one more year). His plans for DD are to collect her once a week and "take her for tea". Jeez...as if money and a weekly Harvester will replace him! I am so broken and so so sick of hurting. We have so much but for some reason he is unwilling to try. I cannot bear the thought of being alone...the long evenings and all the family time/rountines we have. Has anyone else been through similar? When does the pain stop? I have cried so many tears for us all that I feel numb and sick to the pit of my stomach. All of my plans involved him. Everything I ever do involves him. I feel so very lost and alone right now.
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OH is leaving me!!! (Leaving US more's the point)!!!!
mogsandmouse · 13/06/2016 23:44
He will deny the OW but she exists and you must proceed on that basis. She probably lives in the town he is moving to (he may be moving in with her) so any contact must not happen there. That will also be why he is planning to take your DD out for tea once a week. A) because he doesnt want you to know about his new living arrangements and B) because he doesnt want childcare to impinge on his social life.
He has been planning this so dont agree to anything without legal advice. He had a plan in his head that he would skip off and you would be happy for him and be all accomodating about it. When you are not, because you are poleaxed by this bolt from the blue, he will get nasty. Be prepared for that as it will poleaxe you again.
I am so sorry 
Also betting on another woman. You WILL get through this, I and I'm guessing thousands of other mners have been there. Wouldn't wish on anyone but it happens. From now on your focus is you and dd.
Keep eating/nourishing yourself (soup, multi vits whatever), sleep whenever however. Avoid caffeine/alcohol it doesn't help the anxious feelings.
Time to get your ducks in a row:
If you have joint accounts take at least half the money out NOW and put in a completely separate (different banking group) account.
Locate and put to one side (if legally belong to you as well as him) or copy (those that are his eg pay slips, you'll need proof of pay for maintenance calculations) all financial and legal docs including marriage cert, dds birth cert and passports.
Tell college/uni immediately
Contact student support for financial advice, they're far more informed wrt students than cab etc
DO NOT agree to anything until you get legal advice.
He says he's leaving but does he have any legal claim on your home? If not soon as he leaves change locks.
Car? In his or your name? If yours get the key off him. If his but he's saying you can have it, get that in writing ASAP!
His 'contact' arrangements sound shit! Be prepared for him to possibly fade out of dds life.
It is shit and he's a shit!
All most identical circumstances to my best friend... And yes, as other posters have said the commute to work was a cover for the fact that he was moving in with the OW.
You need legal advice asap
First, there isn't necessarily another woman. There wasn't in my case. Second, and I'm playing devil's advocate here, the long commute to work may well be getting him down, especially if he has a high powered and demanding job. Third, the, "shit" contact he's proposing may genuinely be what he feels will be the least unsettling for your DD for the immediate future, on going it isn't enough for sure. Is he from a broken home, himself? If so, he may be trying to avoid what made him so upset as a child. Children need as much stability as is possible through a break up and, too often, there's far too much toing and froing as the self absorbed parent who's breaking up the family and becoming the nrp insists on, "their right" to contact with the child, and the child is left oscillating between a new, "home" with a new bedroom and new toys etc. and a distraught and emotionally vulnerable parent. It can, not always, but sometimes, be easier on the child to introduce the concept of two, "homes" a little more gradually, especially if parenting is particularly one sided through necessity, (work commitments meaning that one parent gets to see little of the child and partake only rarely in practical care giving) and even more so if the child is used to one parent being away from home for periods of time, (again if work commitments regularly keep a parent away) Yes, he's a shit for leaving without trying to compromise and see if the family can be mended. Yes, make no mistake, you're correct, he's leaving both of you. Yes, get legal help and speak to student services a.s.a.p. Gather as much emotional and practical support around you as you can, it's going to be a rocky journey. Yes, you do come out of the other side eventually. Battle scarred and weary, but stronger fundamentally. Come on here and vent as much as you need. II really feel for you.
Pressed too soon.
for you OP and be kind to yourself.
Also do speak to your tutors.
OP I feel so much for you. Try not to think of him as that "lovely" OH which he WAS. And remember him now as the OH who has walked out on you.
Imagine if YOU"D walked out! What would he be doing? How would he manage your DD? I hate it when men do this. It's SO presumptuous!
Do you rent or own the house? You will get some benefits now. Have you called them?
I think it's obvious there is OW involved here. Get some legal advice as soon as you can. He must really have thought long & hard about it, to give up the day to day involvement with your DD. Best of luck OP. Must be horrible
Today I'd advise you to start telling people. I found that people were amazed at how quickly I recovered from this, and I put a lot of that down to the fact that I talked and talked and talked and that they didn't see what I was like when I was on my own .
Secondly, and for the reasons given by PP, get the ball rolling with the finances and legalities.
Thirdly, he doesn't get to unilaterally decide how little he sees DD. I can't see how old she is but there are many reasons why one meal a week isn't near enough time 
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