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Can I have some thoughts?

(8 Posts)
Katiep87 Sun 12-Jun-16 17:55:49

Dh and I aren't getting on, we both work have children etc the normal stuff. We see little of each other with work but when we do he's rarely interested in sex. I know he watches porn most days when I'm not there and 'sorts himself out' I've never been bothered by it, until now. He is lazy in that sense (he's not lazy with home things and work and childcare) but when it comes to sex he's ridiculously lazy. I wondered for a while why he wasn't interested until he told me about the porn. It's starting to make me uninterested, I feel uncomfortable about it now and I find I'm starting to feel very self conscious about myself and my appearance. I can't get in the mood with him anymore and to be honest I'm starting to feel that he isn't for me. It has caused a massive problem for me , I used to have a huge sex drive, I still do, but I feel horrible about sex and anyrhing to do with it. I feel uncomfortable if people talk about it or I see it on the TV even if I'm alone. I can't understand why I feel this way.

chocshortbread Sun 12-Jun-16 18:18:35

have you told him all the above, spelt it out for him like this? You need to.

TheNaze73 Sun 12-Jun-16 18:21:16

This is when porn is destructive. When it interrupts intimacy in a relationship. Have you spelt it out to him?

pocketsaviour Sun 12-Jun-16 18:49:05

I can't understand why I feel this way.

Your partner has basically told you that he'd rather wank to porn than have sex with you (probably because it's less work and he doesn't have to worry about giving a porn actress an orgasm.)

I think it's very understandable why that would leave you feeling depressed and insecure and unwilling to have sex with him.

I think you might give him one chance to sort his shit out, stop wanking and start treating sex as an activity that both of you do together for mutual enjoyment, not something he does to you. Because of the damage his uncaring attitude has caused, a sex therapist might be in order here.

If he won't behave like a bloody grown up in the bedroom, then I'd probably make plans to leave, because if you stay your self confidence is going to end up completely destroyed.

I've been there. It's shit.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 12-Jun-16 18:49:43

Your feelings are perfectly valid. If something makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable.

It sounds like you haven't really articulated to yourself why it is that you feel uncomfortable with porn. Do you think you could try here? It might help you sort out your own feelings, and your own needs in your relationship.

FYI, a lot of people feel uncomfortable with porn. Reasons vary, but the most common ones include:

- Feelings that porn use by an intimate partner is a form of infidelity,
- The way porn can affect a partner's real life sexual relationships (eg. wanting performance sex, or because they develop an addiction that deadens them to real life sex)
- The misogyny in porn films, which informs social behaviours towards women,
- Not wanting to support an industry which is rife with coercion of vulnerable young women.

pocketsaviour Sun 12-Jun-16 18:50:08

I meant to say he should stop wanking to excess. It would be unreasonable to ask him to never masturbate again (especially since he's obviously a total wanker grin )

Katiep87 Sun 12-Jun-16 18:59:23

Thanks for the replies I'm not sure as to why I feel uncomfortable around it, I never used to in past relationships but I've also found in the past he's looked on more adult type sites which involve paying for sex etc and now I feel completely put off. We used to watch it together and I used to watch it myself but it makes me feel sick now. I've tried talking to him which resulted in him saying he would stop for a period then hiding it more and more, in fact he uses a private web browser now. I honestly don't know in my head whether it's just porn he's looking at, I also once found a sex talk app on his computer which he claimed was from before we met, which it might of been but I honestly didn't think he was this type of person. From the start he has always said ah I don't need porn I never watch it until I found these sex sites and the truth come out he's been watching it all along, I even caught him pleasuring himself in the bathroom in the middle of the night once. This feels like the end for me. I've given him so many chances.

pocketsaviour Sun 12-Jun-16 20:08:50

I'm not sure as to why I feel uncomfortable around it

Again, you've given a long list of perfectly good reasons to feel uncomfortable about it.

Is it that you actually mean you don't know if you "have the right" to feel unhappy with it, given that you were previously okay with it, when you actually had a sex life?

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