My dad has had clinical depression since before I was born. It's had a huge impact on my life.
He was abused by an older rich man in his teens and has never gotten over it. Partly because he feels guilty as he didn't tell anyone and end it sooner so other boys were abused, partly because he was one of the favourites and ended up liking the attention and money he was receiving (he was in their sick magazines) and he now hates himself for it. He also saw how the others who weren't favourites were treated and it was all a big mess really.
He's tried to kill himself on numerous occasions, he kept himself distant from me because he was so say afraid of abusing me (he told me this and he ended up receiving treatment from the mental hospital for this), he was a shit dad the older I got the worse he got.
He's blamed me in the past for being a bitch when I said something fairly nasty to him (after him abandoning me for his second wife and her dc). He told me he couldn't stop cutting himself after I said what I said and wandering around trying to find a bridge to jump off of.
I ended up in care because between him and my dm neither of them wanted me. This wasn't my fault. My dad has always told me about wanting to kill himself and generally over sharing information not really meant for young children.
Oh and at 3 I was sexually abused by an old man who lived in my grandparents residential home they ran and my dad did nothing about it. Neither did his parents and he was allowed to live there until he died but he wasn't allowed to talk to me or be in the same room as me. My sister was also sexually abused my our then step dad and again he didn't do anything about it or even seem to be angry on our behalf.
Anyway he left me to be put in care, ran away to bath, stopped having my dsis and dbro eow and ignored all contact with his mum (my lovely nanny who has always been there for me) and dad until his dad died. He now sees my nan every now and again, rings me sporadically and we have met up twice in the 3 years since we got back into contact.
There is an ongoing court case about the abuse he suffered and he wants me to read his witness statement. All he does is talk about this or about what an awful teenager I was (I was but with good reason it sucks not having parents who love you and I didn't have a good mum either). Hes so draining and when I do see or speak to him (he's sometimes at my nans when I go around) he really upsets me.
Should I forgive him for being a shit dad with the extenuating circumstances? I don't think I can but yet I'd love to have a father daughter relationship. Should I read his witness statement, I don't want to but he really wants me to. It turns my stomach if I'm honest and I'd prefer to not think about what that man did to my dad. I also don't know how to talk to him when he's repeating the same sob story over and over. He uses this as the reason why everything he's done wrong isn't his fault.
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Can anyone help me with getting my head around my dad
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BrandNewAndImproved · 09/06/2016 20:59
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