Is there hope?

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

Been together for 13 years, married for most of that, and for the longest time my husband avoided sex. It drove me mad, he just didn't want it. After years of frustration and threats he went to the doctors to discover he has low testosterone. It's now treated and his sex drive is back! But it's as though he's left it too long and now I don't want it. I just don't. Sex feels like something he wants to do to me somehow. He doesn't seem interested in initiating things in any sort of a way that I might like, he just moans that I don't like him playing with my breasts. That's all he seems to want to do, and for me that's a massive turn off. It's been over a year since we had sex, we are in separate rooms as he smokes and I hate the smell, and also I can't stand being pawed by him, he has such heavy hands.

We went for sexual therapy and it was to do with creating intimacy, giving each other back rubs etc but it just seemed to create even more friction between us, so we stopped going.

Can this ever get better?

[pocketsaviour]

Honestly it doesn't sound like this can work, I'm sorry.

Do you have DC together?

[HandyWoman]

It sounds like he wants to be intimate but that you've become like strangers. As though there is zero emotional intimacy. It sounds like you don't even want to be in the same house as him let alone dtd.


In your heart of hearts - what do you want to happen?

[Pagwatch]

I think it depends upon whether you truly want to want to have a sex life.

Do you see what I mean?
It's one thing to have a sexual disconnect and for both of you to wish it was better and that you could rediscover a desire for each other again.

If you would rather not bother and don't miss the intimacy of the earlier part of your relationship then I think it might be doomed.

Did the attempts to create intimacy cause friction because privately you don't want that part of your life to change. So it annoyed you?

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

The attempts to create intimacy were so forced. There was nothing whatsoever intimate about them, we got to the day of the counselling and realised we hadn't done the homework from the previous week and then it was all pointless and rushed and the kids were running around. I said I didn't see any point in trying at that moment, with the children around, the dinner on etc and he said we HAD to do it or the counsellor would think we weren't trying. I said that wasn't the bloody point! And this happened week in week out.

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

I've also lost most of my libido due to some tablets I'm on. But I still have one somewhere! I dint think I ever got over feeling so rejected for years and years. I don't think I've forgiven him, or even that I can. See, he made out it was all my fault, if only I was softer, quieter, not so pushy, fatter, thinner, would let him play with my breasts etc etc. The breast thing was a big deal because it was the ONLY thing that turned him on, and left me feeling like I was holding some appendage for him to get off on.
And then it's picked up that he's got low testosterone, something odd with his blood pressure and now it's all fixed he's up for it all the time.

[HandyWoman]

You tried to rebuild intimacy with the kids running around?!

Mmmmm.....

I think what's more relevant is why you didnt do the homework when there were appropriate opportunities (assuming there were??)

[SandyY2K]

Well it seems like you didn't put effort into the sex counselling and he wanted to.
How can it work when you didn't do the homework? It won't get better and perhaps after so long you've just lost desire for him.

Have you tried letting him know what you do like?

You could both try this. Tell each other what your fantasies are and try and fulfill them. As long as it doesn't involve a third party.

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

"I think what's more relevant is why you didnt do the homework when there were appropriate opportunities (assuming there were??)"

Yes. He goes out 3 nights a week min, and a lot of the time he's at home I feel like he would rather be out. Even the counsellor said that in order to fix things we have to be in the same building!

i felt like the counsellor was trying to recreate some halcyon days we had had when we first met. But for me the sex was never great anyway so there wasn't anything I wanted to recreate. She couldn't seem to "hear" that, even when I put it in the bluntest terms.

[HandyWoman]

Do you want out from the marriage?

Stay together and not have sex?

Stay together and rekindle intimacy?

What do you want??

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

"Have you tried letting him know what you do like?"

Yes. Ad infinitum. However for years it was all about what HE liked, or it didn't happen. I feel he utterly disregards me because he's so bothered about his erection. Sex became (when it happened) entirely on his terms. If it turned me off, tough, because that was all that was on offer.

No wonder I didn't fancy recreating that!

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

Handywoman I don't know. I think I want out. He will be terribly hurt and I worry about the effect on the children which is why I haven't done it before. The thought of trying sex again just makes me cringe.

[ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout]

Perhaps it's like starting from scratch again?

Very few people meet someone new and sex just falls into place. We need to take it slow and learn what our partner likes and teach them what we like. But both of you have to want to please each other.

Can you try to start dating again? Take an interest in each other? Fall in love, and maybe lust, again? Build up some anticipation and excitement and learn about each others' bodies together?

However, if he genuinely isn't interested in pleasing you, that's unlikely to make you hot for him. He really needs to make a huge effort, then you do too.

I wish you luck

[SandyY2K]

Well a selfish lover isn't good for anyone. It's all about him despite what you want and he isn't concerned about your pleasure.

I think it's game over. If it was never good to begin with, then you're right it's flogging a dead horse because your satisfaction isn't important to him.

That sums it up really. You should tell him this directly so he knows a exactly why you ain't feeling it.

[Jan45]

Who wants a person who is not interested in pleasing them, only themself - must be the biggest turn off ever, I can't stand these men who think they are entitled to use your body as they see fit, in fact they are the worst lovers ever because they don't seem to realise that pleasing your partner is highly enjoyable for both partners.

For me this would be the end of the relationship, no sex = no nothing.

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

He will say that it's important to him that I like it, but his actions show otherwise. I swear if I lay like a lump of lead and let him do what he wanted and mess with my boobs non stop, he would be happy with that.

[Jimjamjimmyjam]

I think that for me, there's such a lot of anxiety there around it, because it was always such hard work.

[Greenandmighty]

Sounds like there's a sexual incompatibility issue because he doesn't seem to turn you on and it didn't sound that great in past either. Take some time to think about how you woukd feel if you did break up.

[Resilience16]

So have I got this right? The sex was crap when you first got together, then it stopped and you were unhappy,now it has started again and you are unhappy because it is still crap?
It's a shit situation to be in, but I guess you've got some decisions to make.The sex therapy ain't working as neither of you are really committing to it, and it is never going to be a magic wand to fix things, you both have to put the effort in and have the same goals.
Weigh up your options and decide what is important to you and what you really want. You need to be honest with yourself here. I think there is probably a lot more going on that just the sex issue...