'Scared' of my ex

[Noodledoodle123]

Name changed because I want to try and keep myself anonymous.

Cut long story very short I've just managed to end a 4 year very intense relationship with an alcoholic guy. Although I don't feel I suffered domestic abuse there were some lightbulb moments where I realised I felt trapped and a couple of scary occasions where I forsaw abuse happening if I didn't put a stop to it.

He saw the breakup coming as we had not been happy for months but every now and again (as opposed to in his own home) he goes out drinking in my local town. He has been known to show up at all hours blazing drunk and shout until I answer the door and send him away.

I'm living at my mothers now and he knows the address. I don't want to live in dread of him coming round and causing aggro. Every time I know he is out I can't not panic until I know he is back at his flat.

How can I break this cycle of feeling anxious?

[category12]

Well if he does show up, you could call the police and get them involved. That might be enough to put a stop to it. Or if you're in contact, tell him if he shows up like that again you will call the police. And follow through. He's got no right to come round screaming abuse, drunk or no.

[Noodledoodle123]

Thanks for your reply category12, unfortunately I've told him many times to stay away, which he does but only sober. When he is drunk its a different story.

I'd thought of getting a restraining order but it seems a bit harsh plus he'd ignore it when drunk anyway. Think I might tell him I'm moving house and then not give him an address. He might believe me then at least I'm not bringing trouble to my mums house.

[SandyY2K]

He's not that drunk that he forgets the address then. He's using the alcohol as an excuse.

Give him a last warning and say others live in that house, and you dont want any further contact from him.

Do it by text for evidence and say a repeat will result in police action in the form of a restraining order.

Men like him need harsh or they won't listen.

[soundofthenightingale]

Restraining orders can make matters worse (fire them up). It really depends.

Honestly, NoodleDoodle, if you are worried I would (very highly) recommend the book "Stop Signs Recognising Avoiding and Escaping Abusive Relationships" by Lynn Fairweather. Best book I have ever read on the subject, and may help you clarify your thoughts about whether you feel in danger. Its really sad to hear how vulnerable women can feel in these kind of situations, and how they let themselves get into it in the first place. You wouldn't wish this on anyone would you - I wish young women had some kind of personal education on this but I guess its something they have to learn if no other guidance around them :-(.

This could all mean that you are feeling unnecessarily anxious, but equally it could mean you have a gut instinct. I hope you work it out and do whats best.

On the positive side, once you are free, its unlikely you will ever go on that ride again.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If he turns up, call the police to remove him. Then, the next day, see about getting a restraining order, so that if he turns up again he will be arrested immediately.
Don't worry about 'hurting his feelings' or getting him into trouble. He's a drunken abusive prick and you owe him nothing. He has no right to any type of contact with you and no right to disturb you or your family.

[BoatyMcBoat]

Please just call the cops every time he does it. As soon as he starts, just dial 999. Right now though, use 101 and ask for the DV unit. Tell them what's going on and don't pull your punches.

[hellsbellsmelons]

getting a restraining order but it seems a bit harsh
Why does it?
Making you scared and scaring your family is harsh.
Get the restraining order.
Keep a diary of every time this happens.
Call 999 to get him removed.
Once he's in prison he won't be able to do this anymore.
Seriously, stop being nice. He isn't.
Protect yourself and your family first and foremost.
He's a nasty twat - stop putting his feeling first.

[BoatyMcBoat]

Getting a restraining order is not harsh. He is terrorising her and her mother. He needs to stop.