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Trying to please everyone,mailing miserably...".

(17 Posts)
startingover231 Wed 01-Jun-16 22:32:16

I am currently having to sell the family home after XH left me for OW. Now divorced and I got the family home , mortgage free, as part of my divorce settlement. However I can't afford to stay here as it's a big old cottage and very expensive to heat, maintain etc. And a big part of me wants to make a fresh start. I have 3DC , age 23,21 and 17. DD 21, doesn't live at Home as she's in the forces but still considers this her home. It's the only home the children have ever had so it is a big wrench for them ..... I put the house on the market expecting it to take ages to sell and it sold in 3 days! Now I have to find a new home, and I am struggling, I am trying to include the DC by sharing house details , taking them on viewings etc. But it's become very clear they all want different things, places to live different types of house and now I find myself struggling to please everyone, feeling like I'm pleasing no one and not knowing which way to turn.......whichever house I think I like, one of them hates it! I know they're struggling to accept what happened and it's hard for them to leave their family home. Any house we move to will be a downsize from our lovely home because it has to be affordable but how can I get them onside? I thought making a fresh start would be exciting, instead it's just upsetting me more and more. Any advice from you all be gratefully received. Have any of you been in the same situation? What did/would you do?

tribpot Wed 01-Jun-16 22:41:41

Sorry to be harsh but two twentysomethings and a late teen don't get to decide the house you buy for the next phase of your life. The person you need to please is yourself.

I appreciate you want to buy somewhere big enough to house all of them at a push (I assume they are all still living at home, albeit your 21-year-old is in the forces) but within a few years they should all be gone. So the person who has to live in the house you choose is you.

The main upheaval in their life is emotional and it was caused by their father - I notice he didn't have such fine sensibilities about how it would upset them when off shagging someone else. You can't compensate for that, it's his mess to sort out if he chooses. I think I'd tell them you've had enough feedback from them on the sort of house you should buy and you'll be making your own choice from here. I would have slightly more time for the view of the 17-year-old given he/she will actually have to live there as opposed to the adults, who choose to.

deste Wed 01-Jun-16 22:42:03

I think in this instance you need to find something you like. Chances are your children will be all left home in the next few years and you are going to be the one to live in it. You are never going please everyone so I think you need to just please you. As long as you are not moving to the back end of know where and they are not too far from friends I wouldn't worry. They are lucky to have a roof over their heads.

startingover231 Thu 02-Jun-16 07:27:57

I know that's the sensible ,rational way to think but what if I move and one of them is desperately unhappy? My DD23isnt likely to leave home anytime soon as she has mental health issues, 17 year old has struggled with everything to do with her dad leaving and either acts like its no big deal (when I know it really is for her) or falls in love with the most unsuitable houses because next door has a nice dog! The DD in the army thinks she should have a say because she's still part of this family! She doesn't like the idea that her room will be the smallest one, even though that's the logical way because she's hardly ever home! I wish I felt strong enough just to say this move is for me, it's my house like it or lump it!

tribpot Thu 02-Jun-16 07:43:47

Actually I think they're backing you into a corner where you have no choice but to say: this is happening, like it or lump it. Clearly what they want is to manipulate you into staying in their current home, something which is not financially possible. (Irrelevant to them, fundamental to you).

If they hate it, they have the option to leave. I appreciate that is a rather black-and-white view of the world for your DD with mental health issues but presumably she is working with her MH team to be able to live independently? Or is the expectation that you will continue to house her reflected in the financial settlement from the marriage? And the fairest thing to your middle DD is to treat her no worse but no better than the other two, i.e. none of them gets a casting vote on what house you buy. It simply does make sense for her to have the smallest room - why on earth should one of the two who live in the house every day cram into a smaller room so a bigger one can sit empty most of the time? She has made her choices and she's an adult. Maybe the rooms could be reversed when your youngest goes off to uni and is also only back for part of the year?

Do you know where you want to move to, what kind and size of house you're after? I think you are letting their objections distract you from moving forward - which you simply have to do if the house is unsustainable. And the sooner the better before you waste too much money on it.

MidnightLullaby Thu 02-Jun-16 08:38:35

You need to make this decision on your own. It's nice that you want to consider your "children's" feelings, but they are either adults or nearly adults and, frankly, they need to suck it up.

My mother expected me to leave home at 18 and that was that. As far as she was concerned, she'd done her duty and provided a roof over my head until I was and adult. She took my key and I've not referred to it as 'home' since the day I left.

There is absolutely no way she would ever have even consulted with me about moving, let alone asked for my opinion or listened to it!

That's probably not the best way to be either, but you and my mother would appear to be at opposite ends of the same continuum. You probably want to aim for somewhere in the middle...

startingover231 Thu 02-Jun-16 09:17:38

Tribpot I think in a way that's part of the problem, I don't know what I want either. Part of me would like to move right away, make a completely fresh start, but my elderly parents live nearby and need a great deal of support atm. So I can't really do what I want to either, plus there aren't really any houses that exactly fit my needs so it's always going to be a compromise.....

Midnight, there have been many a time when I've thought I'd like to say to my kids fly the nest I've done my bit! But of course I never would! I guess I've just got to get on with it they'll get used to it and home will always be where I am not the bricks and mortar!

OurBlanche Thu 02-Jun-16 09:23:39

Hello! Hello! Hello! Is there an OP in there? Hello!

Oh! Sorry, OP... all I can hear is your kids, your parents, they have needs, have issues, have to be plactaed, catered for...

STOP IT!

All you will do is make yourself very unhappy... and none of them will get any joy out of that either.

Sit down and think about you, as an individual, not mum, ex-wife, daughter. Who are you? And what do you want?

Then choose a house that fits you and will do for everyone else... they, after all, will have different needs over th enext few years and YOU REALLY ARE NOT RESPONSOBLE FOR EVERYTHIG AND EVERYONE... you just feel as though you are... and maybe they like the ease of that too!

Be selfish... take some time for you... make the right decision for you. You sgould find that if you are hapoy then everyone else will feel that ease and happiness too.

Cheapthrills Thu 02-Jun-16 09:27:24

I would make the selection myself. Don't even think of taking them on viewings until you have decided what house YOU want and then show them out of courtesy at the stage before you actually move in.

I am in the same position as you re selling up after divorce and I will be doing just that. I am not looking forward to discussions over whose room is whose but ultimately I will decide what is best for the family.

Badders123 Thu 02-Jun-16 13:14:57

They are adults
I would suggest it's time you started treating them as such
This will be YOUR home long term - not theirs

shazzarooney999 Thu 02-Jun-16 13:20:09

Your the agult you decide what house you want, after all they may not be there for much longer, its your decision, not theres.

ItWasNeverASkirt Thu 02-Jun-16 13:26:28

Can you rent for a while, to take the pressure off while you look for the right place to buy?

It sounds to me as if you're trying to keep everyone happy, but that you're not thinking about what would make YOU happy, and that is the most important thing. Whatever your DC think about houses, the most important thing is that you are happy and settled. Then you will be better able to "mum them" grin -- wherever you are.

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 02-Jun-16 13:32:11

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I think there's a wider issue here about assertiveness, as a previous poster said.
Can I recommend this book ? It's worth a read, I promise.

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 02-Jun-16 13:32:36

Oh and I agree re possibly renting for a while. Good idea.

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 02-Jun-16 13:40:00

I was in a similar situation, but with only one younger DD (12). I decided what I wanted, I went looked made an offer had it accepted and then took DD to see the house.
I think sometimes children with a lone parent thinks they can have more say 'bossing' their parent about. I do reign my DD in pointing out that it is 'my money' to buy ' my house', when she can afford her own house she can make the decisions.

startingover231 Thu 02-Jun-16 17:58:10

I think there is something to be said about me being assertive and putting myself first for once the trouble is I don't know how to,! I have spent all my adult life gladly trying to please everyone, now I've learnt the hard way that isn't possible, I just don't know how to start being assertive!
Renting is something I've considered but as I'm am currently mortgage free and only just managing financially, any rent (which is likely to be £700+ a month will have to come out of the proceeds from the sale of the house which will make it even harder to buy. But it may come to that if I can't make my mind up soon!

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 02-Jun-16 17:58:59

Please read the book OP. It will help you with exactly that.

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