Am I abusive?

[PeppasNanna]

Dp is drives me insane. He is bone idle. Basically I've got to tbe point where i.point out everything that needs doing. If I don't, he does nothing...

Today I got really angry as I'm not well. He was just sitting in the chair doing nothing whilst dc were trashing the living room.

I've told him he does as i say or he leaves. I was raging angry & I'm sick of instructing him. Hes so lazy, passive & indifferent, its infuriating.

But i sound nuts, don't I? Literally like a control freak!!

[CodyKing]

It's frustrating having an extra kid!

Why not leave it and go on strike - or go on a little jolly and see how he copes?

[PeppasNanna]

If i go on 'strike' or go away the house turns into a hovel.

It makes no difference.

[Buckinbronco]

You're sick, don't make any rash decisions.

We all have choice. What you're not likely to do is be able to change a grown man who doesn't want to do xyz. So whilst you don't sound abusive don't forget you have an option too- end the relationship. Then you'll not have to worry about his laziness again.

[Lweji]

And return to the same mess.

Were they really trashing the living room, or were they just playing? What has happened before if they make a mess? Do they tidy up, or does he or does he tell them to?

Do you have any regular tasks that he's responsible for? Does he skip them?

[PeppasNanna]

The 2 year old was tipping boxes out onto the floor, she'd say she was playing...i wouldn't!
He tells the dc to tidy up and if all else fails pick up a few bits & make sure i knew he'd 'tidied up'.

He works rotating shifts so no he doesn't have day to day stuff to do. Its more like gardening , DIY & day to day bits but i do the majority of house stuff. Hes a terrible cook so will always get a takeaway if i don't cook.

[PeppasNanna]

The house desperately needs decorating & the garden rarely is done.

[Lweji]

If you are prepared to walk out or send him on his way, do you think he'll step up?

[PeppasNanna]

No hes very unlikely to change.

So feckin depressing. Stuck in a shit relationship with a man child. What stupid choices I made. God I hate myself as much as him.
I'm so angry...

[MummyBex1985]

OP you probably aren't abusive. Like me, you've just been reading too much MN. I politely asked DH to try and remember to put his pots IN the dishwasher instead of on top of it and he sulked like there was no tomorrow. Started to wonder if I was EA too

Why are you stuck in the relationship though? Can you make plans to leave? Doesn't sound like you want to be there.

[MummyBex1985]

Btw, my ex was just like that. He's an ex for a reason.

He now lives in a shithole crack den and I have a beautiful and borderline OCD maintained house!

[PeppasNanna]

Dc, SN, money etc are all the reasons we are together.

I'm physically unwell. Now limited mobility so really struggling even to lift the 2 yr old.

No family or friends locally. No family support. Dc school placement breaking down.

No way of returning to my old career so money would be a massive issue.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You only need him to live with you for physical support due to mobility issues, help with SN child, and for money, yes?

How much support does he provide with your illness and mobility issues? What is easier because he is there? What is harder?

Do you know how much you would get in child maintenance, benefits and equity / asset share if you split? Is it really impossibly little?

What does he do that makes handling your DC's SN easier?

[PeppasNanna]

There are no assets etc.
He does very little but means i can leave him with the boys whilst i do stuff with the girls. I can do food shopping etc.

The boys are autistic and rarely leave the house. All trips are carefully & methodically planned.

He is on an average wage so minimum maintenance. I could claim benefits but would be living hand to mouth.

I wouldn't be able to keep my car for example, which would mean I would be very restricted. (£800 per year for insurance).

I've tried before to make a go of it on my own but couldn't.

[Lweji]

There is another possibility which is to tell him that due to all constraints, you'd have to leave the children with him and visit them.

One way for all is to stay together, is for him to take care of certain tasks. I'm sure he can do it, as he holds a job. It's a matter of presenting it to him in a way that he simply has to do it.

[PeppasNanna]

That's exactly what I did Lweji said basically you will do this/this &:this, and if you dont like it, you know where the front door is.

I started to wonder, if it was the other way round, what if i were a man, layng down the law & issuing ultimatums, would i be considered as being abusive ?

He knows I would never leave the dc with him. Hes never looked after them all by himself for more then a couple of hours.

[Lweji]

Checking to see if you are abusive:
Do you have the same or similar free time?

[PeppasNanna]

No. He sits for hours whilst i do stuff.
I've started to go out about once a month. I've never gone out by myself in the 17 years we've been together.

He used to go out but would get mind blowing drunk & take the weekend to recover. He rarely goes out now, probably hasn't been out since Christmas but thats his choice.

[Lweji]

There you go. If anyone is abusive it's him, effectively making you work while he just sits around.
It's not abusive to demand equal share of work and leisure time.
(unless you demand of him that he dusts every hour or so... :))

[Resilience16]

Has he always been lazy, passive and indifferent? If not, when did he change? If it's the way he has always been when did it become a problem for you?
Everything seems a hundred times worse when you are unwell and stressed. You have got a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself. You need "me time", away from the chaos at home, so well done for making time to escape even if it is just once a month at the moment.
Think carefully about what it is you really want.And then yes, you do have choices to make. But don't confuse an immaculate house with a happy home...