I don't even know where to start. I guess I will start with apologising if I should of posted this in Stately Homes (someone sent me a link to this a week or two ago..) but I can't find it now. I will also apologise because no doubt I will waffle.
I have had what some would call a privileged life. Financially, my parents have always provided. Toys when we were young, good education, nice home etc etc. We have been told that we are "very lucky" and I guess in some ways they are right.
Emotionally though i haven't ever felt very supported. I have never in my years on this earth hear my parents say "I love you". Not to me, my brother, each other, family, friends. They get very awkward when I get upset- usually ends up with raised voices and "it must be partially your fault" and always seemed to find a reason to blame me in certain situations.
Mum is also quite rude. Slightly racist and just generally rude. Rude to people in working class jobs, will comment on peoples weight and how they look "revolting" and can also be a little homophobic. It makes me really uncomfortable because it just isn't the person I am. At all. Sure, we all judge (and I try my hardest not to) but it honestly seems like she has no filter. Just a couple of examples with me:
- We were watching TV the other day and I was stretching out after getting off the sofa and she grabbed hold of my stomach and went "this is disgusting! you need to get rid of that! I have an overhang but thats because I had to have c sections!" I'm trying to loose weight, really I am. I just find it very difficult and I do comfort eat.
- The other week she refused to go somewhere with me because (and i'm sorry if this offends anyone- truly, and HQ edit this if necessary) she saw a black person going in there.
She is also quite controlling. She walks in on me getting dressed/in the shower and will comment on my body (hairy legs, back, my weight). Goes through my personal belongings, hides things she doesn't like (i.e. my cigarettes), opens my mail. Finds it necessary to comment on everything little thing in my life- my job, why i'm doing this instead of that, my hair. Every.damn.thing.
She can also be an aggressive drunk. I hate her drinking, I really do and I always dread what mood/argument we will have when she drinks.
Then there is my brother. We are completely different people but he is so rude and disrespectful to me- well to everyone really, but especially me. Honestly? I can be quite scared of him. He comes across as controlling and is just rude. There was an occasion when I was about 12/13 (he was 16/17) when he punched me in the face when my parents were on holiday and he said to me "who do you think they will believe?" We were having a very petty argument- I can't remember what for, but it was severley uncalled for. Knew from that moment on I would never have a relationship with him. My parents do idolise him- and to give him his due, he is very clever and has had a successful life. When it comes to him, most of the time there is no wrong. I know this sounds so wrong, and in a way it hurts me to say this, but in a way if he died tomorrow I honestly don't know if I could shed a tear.
My Dad is generally OK. I would say I am closest to him out of anyone in the family.
I just don't know if I feel anything for my family- namely my Mum and brother. If they hug me, or touch me, I do feel like recoiling sometimes.
Some days I feel like never seeing them again. But I don't want to cut them off and end up regretting it.
