Right, I have what will seem a weird question. Can I start by apologising for jumping in the deep end with this but, but needs be as the devil drives.
I am 54 and have been happily married since I was 22, so I feel blessed. Kids have grown up and flown the nest, I have managed to forge a new well paid career after a period of illness cost me my old line of work. Life is looking good, or it was.
The first bombshell to drop on our lives was 12 months ago when my husband sustained a back injury that has left him with big mobility problems. I want to stress that his health and wellbeing are my priority, so when I tell you the other big thing that has come from his injury, please don't think that it has changed my love for him. In a nutshell, sex between us is now impossible. That's fine, I can cope. However, from day one of us realising that this was the case, hubby has been insistent that I cannot do without sex the rest of my life. I, on the other hand, have been insistant that I could and would do without it. Monognomy has always been non negotiable in my life. I wasn't pretending that it would be easy, but hey ho.
Then the second bombshell dropped. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught very early and it was a very tiny 16mm lump. Lump has now gone and its only immediate legacy was a three week course of radiotherapy, now thankfully over. We are now sat in a bar in Mallorca enjoying an expenses paid holiday to recover, courtesy of a hospital fund that I am a member of. It's nice but, believe me, it doesn't compensate for the pain, the burnt skin, or the sunken nipple. That's irrelevent though.
What matters is that I now understand what people mean when they say that a cancer diagnosis changes everything. Not one priority in your life is the same after THAT chat with the doctor. Even the literature that the hospital have handed out makes it depressingly clear that this could return. They gave a case history as an example which was basically of a woman who had an almost identical form of cancer (good in a bad way), went through the same treatment and was 'cured' (good), and two years later was diagnosed with the worst kind of breast cancer (very bad). So I know how rocky the land ahead might look, despite knowing that I have also been very lucky up to this point.
One thing that has changed is that I am no longer willing to contenplate life without sex. This is as much a certainty as my previous certainty about monogomy. I can't explain why my feelings have changed, but change they have. I have thought this through, so please, no moral lectures or warnings about STDs and a host of other potential pitfalls. I am an attractive and well educated woman and I suddenly realise what it actually means to say that you will go without sex for the rest of your life. I now see that the rest of my life might not be that long. Ironic, isn't it, that the idea of living 5 or 10 years without a shag is more depressing that living to a ripe old age without a shag!
But I still will stay with hubby. That is set in stone. So what are the options? Squallid dating apps like Tinder to find a 'friend with benefits'? No thanks! So I have settled on casual encounters in bars. Again, please do not lecture me about the dangers of such encounters. I am well aware of all this and will go into anything with my eyes wide open and a range of security measures in place. But the question is, where and how?
I live in Manchester, enjoy a drink with friends, and am confident about going into places alone, so I am well aware that I attract attention from men, attention that has always been unwelcome until now. So the ideal scenario is eyes meet, smiles are exchanged, a conversation ensues, and I am whisked off to a smart apprartment or nice hotel for a few hours of passion. What I am afraid of ending up with is a conversation about football and an invite back to a two up and two down in Salford or an Ibis budget hotel for a quick bang!
So how to go about this? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? I go out with friends and on my own, like I said, but not often into the big metropolis that is Manchester. No way am I going on the pull in my local. I am lost to even think where I could meet a quality hunk. If I go into Manchester, my usual haunt is a Wetherspoons. I get loads of looks in there, but are they the right looks from the right people? The added problem is that with hubby being disabled now, I can't afford to spend hours sat in the bar of the Midland Hotel hoping to get laid and paying a fortune for drinks.
I don't think that I need to explain further. Basically, if you can answer the question then you obviously understand it and me. I couldn't have just come on here and said, I'm a 54 year old married woman looking for a bit on the side. It simply isn't that simple Though in some ways it is. Honestly, before the cancer hit, the idea of going without sex until the day I die seemed like one of the duties that come with making those vows. Since the diagnosis, there have been times when the thought has left me feeling empty and unable to sleep.
Thanks in anticipation.
Sonia.
PS Forgive any spelling mistakes. Try writing something this long on a phone at a bar!
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Finding a friend with benefits.
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soniad1962 · 19/05/2016 17:05
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