Should i apologise because it will make me feel better?

[indecisionindecision]

For most of 2014 and 2015 i was troubled by depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. During this time i destroyed a friendship with one of my closest friends by being paranoid, needy, insecure and generally a pain in the arse to be around. I apologised to her several times but in the end the apologies were pretty much ignored as i guess she thought that things were not going to change.

I have been having counselling for about 6 months and can on reflection see how awful i was to her and how when i was saying sorry before i wasn't actually in the right mental space to change my behaviour. I keep thinking about sending her an email to apologise again, because i feel bad about how i behaved and regret the lost friendship. However, i suspect that she will either just see it as another empty apology, or she will see it as me bothering her when we are no longer friends. i don't think it will be a well-received apology and know there will never be some miraculous moment where things go back to how they were 3 years ago therefore i would only be apologising to make myself feel better. I keep trying to put myself in her shoes and think about how she might feel but it's difficult to put myself on the other side. Is there any point in me emailing her to say that i now realise how awful i was?

[cheesecadet]

Depends what you did, can you be more specific?

[5subjectnotebook]

Can you write it so as to offload your feelings but not send it?

[indecisionindecision]

I've done that 5subject. It's been sitting in my drafts folder for about a week.

Cheesecadet i can't really by more specific without going into a long list of stuff i did over 2 years, there was no one-off incident. As i said, i was generally needy, paranoid and insecure.

[cheesecadet]

Trust your gut-what do you think she would say?

[daisydalrymple]

Can you send her a hand written card basically summarising what you've said above?

Something along the lines of...

I'm truly sorry for my behaviour and for the hurt I caused you. I wasn't in a good place in my life through the depression and anxiety that I was suffering with, and have since received counselling, which has helped me be able to change my behaviour and how I deal with things. I can see how hurtful my behaviour was and apologise sincerely. I wish you the very best in life.

Hand written card is more personal somehow and she may reread it through a few times. Just a thought.
I hope you are feeling stronger and in a better place in your life now.

[janaus]

I had a falling out with a friend 20 years ago. Never spoke again.
About 2 years ago we bumped into each other and I felt very awkward. She came up to me and said let's put it behind us. We are now very good friends and it's as though we never had a falling out.
I think it is worth it to try. But don't be hurt if she doesn't accept apology.

[ajandjjmum]

What about finding a card along the lines of 'I treasure my memories of the fun we had together' (sort of thing), and just write a couple of sentences inside to say that you have now recovered, and if she ever felt like picking up your friendship in the future, you'd love to hear from her.

[princessbeer]

Consider how you think you'll feel if she ignores you/doesn't accept the apology. Do you think it'll upset you massively if its a negative?
If not, do it. Life's short. Sounds like you're really aware of yourself post-counselling