Negative people

[2015mom]

Hey guys I am a very positive person and like to look at positive things in life.

But certain people in my life like to look at feb glass half empty namely my mother and mother in law ... They always put up with stuff and want to off load on me which I think is unfair. I offer solutions to their problems so they don't have to deal with whatever they are moaning about but they don't take my advice and then few weeks later they are moaning again!

It can be exhausting at times because I don't offload my problem to them ... I resolve them rather than burdening others

Any advice please

[DraughtyWindow]

Well stop offering solutions then! And tell them to their face how it's making you feel. You're not their counsellor.

[elQuintoConyo]

"Oh dear, do give it a rest!" is how I deal with it.

Other than that: smile, nod, change subject.

[whatswhat]

I'd just continue putting a positive spin on things when asked but maybe you also need to be direct when they bring things up again e.g. 'sorry i'm not going to discuss this anymore, i told you how i would deal with it last week.' Also, beware of the influence that they might have on your thinking. I am very much glass half full but i went through a difficult period in my life and my closest friend at the time was a half empty person. She really didn't help my mental well--being and i should have stopped spending time with her much sooner than i actually did.

[jellybeansprout]

People don't want solutions, they just want to be heard. You don't have to listen though.

[MatildaTheCat]

Are you my sister? Seriously, the two people in my life who are like this are DM and DMIL. DMIL is in a particularly difficult situation as she is very old and frail and is having to make massive adjustments to manage the simplest things. Now, I know this is an awful situation to be in but it is utterly draining to have every single suggestion ( and I know what I'm talking about) knocked back. So now I say, 'What would work?' This makes he think more positively rather than dwelling on all the stuff she can't do etc.

Huge sympathy, it's extremely wearing. It's taken me about two years to find a nightdress that she will wear and even then it's just a case of 'I suppose it will have to do.'

[2015mom]

Oh dear I can't stand ungrateful people!! Wow can't believe it's taken you that long to get a nightdress... I would hAve just taken her shopping n got her to choose it herself lol

But I like that response 'what would work?'

[MatildaTheCat]

Oh I tried. There were demands that no store could meet in terms of fabric, style, length, quality and price. Two long years, indeed.

[2015mom]

Good on you for persevering ... I would have just abandoned my search lol

[springydaffs]

You don't 'burden' people with your problems but 'resolve' them yourself? I find that quite cold.

Giving and taking in relationships is a means to intimacy and bonding. It's good to be vulnerable sometimes. You may not want to do that, which is your choice, but an awful lot do require, and enjoy, this way of deepening meaningful relationships. Some would view it a privilege that people share their innermost and risk vulnerability with them.

These women may or may not be moaners - but who's to say you have the solution to the things they share with you? Re you are put out they don't do what you advise them to do - but who's to say it is you who has the answer?

That said, I have known people who have no intention of finding a solution and will use anyone as a sounding board to moan because they enjoy moaning. I back off from those people because they are using me, not sharing with me in order to deepen our relationship.

[springydaffs]

Plus not everything in life is positive, no matter how you look at it. It's good to recognise that life can be unremittingly shit sometimes.

[tellmemore1982]

Sometimes life isn't a bed of roses and you can't just get on with it.

As you age, things stop working and people start treating you differently. To many people this is a huge loss, they are often grieving the people they were and the lives they had. It's difficult always to stay a step ahead of your game and continue to have positive change throughout your life, in fact often the body will take over and take away positive opportunities from people who would otherwise have grabbed them.

I think you should take a moment to be grateful for what good health and a rewarding lifestyle means to you, and how lucky you are to have it. You won't have it forever.

It can be draining listening to people like this all the time, but perhaps they keep on about it because they feel like you don't really understand what they're going through. Which from reading your post, I'd say you probably don't.

My suggestion would be to minimise quantity and maximise quality of time with them. Plan your visits carefully, give them something to look forward to and reduce contact between trips. That way you can focus on trying to help them stay positive whilst minimising the regular negativity.

What would you want if you were them?

I certainly wouldn't want someone banging on about how I should be grateful for things when I felt awful. I imagine you wouldn't either.