I've posted on here before, under a different NN, about my poor self image, low self esteem and poor self confidence.
I've detailed some of the things my mother said about me on here before which is where all this stems from.
Essentially, she told me no one would ever want/love/marry me for sins from biting my nails at primary school, to mashing my potatoes into my gravy, to not being pretty enough, or dressing conventionally, or being slim enough, or being too intelligent, or because my waist/wrists/ankles were too small and made the rest of me look bigger... In fact, every aspect of me, everything about this human being that made me Me was at fault.
I couldn't tell you a single thing she liked, or even tolerated, about me.
It's resulted in me having a very poor sense of self. Because everything about me is wrong. I have spent a great many years feeling guilty for having children, I married someone who didn't love me, became involved in a series of abusive relationships, unable to form friendships, I've underachieved academically and professionally... all because I've spent my entire life feeling guilty for taking up space on the planet when I had no right to be here because I was just offensive to everyone else. I've carried around a huge sense of 'shame' my whole life, just for being me.
This is compounded by the fact it appears I have AS. I've recently been referred for an assessment. This means that I've just accepted everything my parents said, unquestioningly and that I not only have the difficulties with forming relationships that people with AS have, but with the added bonus of being told by the only people that should love me that couldn't be loved. I met someone else who had a diagnosis and she just assumed I already knew that I was. She said it was obvious. Even my son has said he thinks I am.
I've spent the last 6 months or so trying to get to know myself and understand myself within this new context. I've read a lot around AS now, particularly how it affects women, and I sit reading it laughing and crying at the same time. It's like someone has written all these books just about me. People I've never met telling me exactly what the world looks like and how it all seems/feels like to me.
I'm single. I've been mostly single since my exH and I separated 3.5 years ago. I've had a couple of short relationships, but ended both of them because they didn't meet my needs. One of the big benefits of AS is that I've never understood the, "but I love him" nonsense. I'll give someone a chance, but once that switch is flicked off, there's no chance of flicking it on again. Apparently, Aspies are very good at burning bridges. I am.
But I don't want to be single forever. I don't want to be unloved forever. I am doing a lot of work on myself to try and improve my sense of self. And I can see that I've made huge improvements. I now understand that my mother's issue with me was to do with her issues rather than because there was something inherently wrong with me. Even if it were just that she was unable to cope with a child with AS. I don't see AS as a 'fault' or a 'flaw'.
I no longer feel that a lot of me, my personality, my lifestyle, is an impediment to me having a relationship. If someone can't cope with my 'quirks', then I'm not the right woman for them and they're not the right man for me.
There is one aspect that I am really struggling with though, and that's my physical appearance. Because I feel that's not a subjective thing. My mother told me I was unattractive, not good enough and detailed all my faults regularly. It means I'm acutely aware of my unattractive physical qualities, from head to toe, and feel hugely conscious of them all the time. They are real. I can see them. And they are many. I don't know how anyone else could not be equally repulsed/offended by them. I don't know how a man could be attracted to/love me in spite of these without feeling he deserved better, and that's certainly been my experience so far. I can see when a woman is attractive/beautiful and I can see that's not me. I don't know how love happens then.
I can see around me that other women are not 'perfect' and have relationships. But, by my mother's logic, those women are not loved (although she never applied it to anyone else, only to me). I'm sure that cannot be the case.
I am currently a size 12/14 and have a pretty much hourglass figure. But my body is generally 'flabbier' than I would like and other things I can't quite bring myself to type. I don't think I look too bad, but I don't have what is accepted as being a 'nice figure'. But I'm losing weight and toning up to improve this. I've found an exercise that is perfect for me. I love it and if I could I would give up work and devote myself to it 7 days a week! As it is, I do it 2-3 times a week and have been since February. I can see/feel the difference. I'm never going to be 'slim'. My frame suits a bit of weight, so I will always be 'curvy'. Men generally don't find me attractive, but some people have said that they do and I just don't see it. But I never get chatted up and no one ever asks me out. I've been asked out twice since my ex and I separated, not including all the married men who seemed to think I was fair game.
I know I can look ok in clothes. I'm not really interested in hair and make up. I get my hair cut/coloured so it looks ok, but I don't style it. I don't really feel the need to wear makeup. And people generally assume I'm younger than I am. But it feels like a facade. Under it all, I look like I've been lazily moulded out of raw dough. Surely no man is going to look at that and feel anything other than repulsion. I tried to believe that confidence is what men find attractive, but a couple of years ago, I was confidently naked with a man and he commented on the fact that he couldn't believe I was as confident as I was. I don't think it was a compliment as much as a comment on the fact that he was surprised I was that confident when I looked as I did. I gave up on trying to feel confident/sexy/attractive after that.
I don't really know what I'm asking really. I have a notebook that I'm writing things down in to try and change my internal voice. At the moment, I don't have any positives to repeat regarding my appearance and I know that none of you know what I look like, but I think I really want to know how and why you can be loved when you're not 'all that'. People have said before that you can't explain 'chemistry' and it's not to do with 'looks' or anything. But I don't understand it. I can't make it make sense. I need to understand that. Either that, or I want to be told that my mother was right and these things do make me unloveable. That way I can stop dwelling on it and move on.
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EA upbringing, AS and self perception...
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INeedSomeHelpWithThis · 30/04/2016 23:01
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