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Am I being unreasonable?

(24 Posts)
Rightfromthestart01 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:15:04

Dh loses his temper over dc dad, he won't let me contact him over dc we have to go through family, he won't let him know where we live so he can't take dc to doctors etc as he doesn't know address, he lost his temper because I buy most of dc things but he only keeps them here. I'm sure his dad has things at his house obviously. He says I do too much? If he sees him in the street he hurls abuse at him even in front of my family. I've done everything I can not to be in contact with him, he tried to cause problems at the start of our relationship. I'm confused, what am I not doing right?

VimFuego101 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:17:27

You need to leave him. Your kids were around before he was and he should support you to have a good relationship with your ex, not undermine it.

VimFuego101 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:18:13

Just re read. Is it your current partner causing the issue or are you referring to your ex?

Pinkheart5915 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:23:32

I'm confused too.
So your dh doesn't like your children's dad? I don't think your ex causing trouble at the start of your relationship with dh excuses him hurling abuse at him.

I think your dh is controlling not letting you have contact with your ex about Dc I am afraid when you have children with somebody they are apart of your life always and you should be able to communicate.
Dos your ex pay Maintence? I only ask as I wonder if he doesn't is that why your dh thinks you buy too much stuff?

When you say your dh loses him temper, does he hurt you ?
I wouldn't have a man tell me who I could have contact with.

blueberrypie0112 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:23:42

Strange behavior, I think. Why is he like that? Jealousy and doesn't trust you? Have DC's dad done harm to the child ?

Or worst, is he abusing your DC and is afraid it will go to the father?

ScarletForYa Wed 27-Apr-16 22:28:34

shock

What you're not doing right is failing to recognise that your 'dh' is a controlling, abusive arse.

He has no business interfering in the relationship between your dc and their Dad.

When you say your ex tried to cause problems at the start of your relationship, well I'm not surprised. He was probably devastated this man was going to be step Dad to his kids. A man who refuses to allow him to have his children's address?

Is there any good reason your ex should not have his dc address and contact with them?

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Apr-16 22:29:04

Could you rewrite it and make it clear who's who? I can't tell whether it's your ex who's a lunatic or the current husband.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 27-Apr-16 22:29:51

It's abusive. He is trying to control relationships that you have, for whatever reason is inside his head.
If you want to have a cordial relationship with your dcs' father, you should be able to - and he should be willing to facilitate that for yours and your childrens' sakes.

Rightfromthestart01 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:33:18

No I don't receive maintenance as we have him 50/50 one week on one week off, meant to add dc dad causing trouble was nothing to do with dh just being a general arsehole about our dc trying to change agreements etc. I'm referring to my dh causing problems, I don't speak to dc father. Any time he is mentioned in the bad one I always get abuse hurled at me 'I should tell him to fuck off' etc. but as I stress, I Never see him! Dh says it's because from when we first got together I talked about him said how he was awkward and horrible (which he was back then) so it's all my fault? I left dc dad cause I didn't love him he had cheated. Dh says things like he can't cope with dc dad being his dad but what on earth am I meant to do????

LeaLeander Wed 27-Apr-16 22:34:39

Why would you hook up with a man who constantly undermines your child's ability to have a peaceful relationship with its father?

Seriously, stories like this make me despair. I bet he really treats your son well too, eh? What a great environment for the poor kid to grow up in - parents who have split and now a crazy abusive stepfather.

Rightfromthestart01 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:38:39

Erm thanks for that hmm

CalleighDoodle Wed 27-Apr-16 22:42:24

Youre meant to leave i think. He sounds awful.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 27-Apr-16 22:42:57

How old is/are your dc and how often does their df have contact with them?

What does your dh mean when he says you "do too much"? How long have you been with your h and you also have dc with him, or are only the dc you have with your ex living with you?

Whose family do you "have to go through" to make contact with your dcs df?

Rightfromthestart01 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:46:34

My dc with ex is 8 we have a dc who is 2, ex has (8) 2 weeks a month as do I, me and dh been together 5 years. I have to go through a auntie of mine who is in contact with dc father

Rightfromthestart01 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:48:18

I don't know what he means by I do too much, by buying things for dc I think, I buy school stuff etc but he must have some at his fathers as I don't send him with any and he goes to school when he has dc. He says I run around after him, but I never speak to the man!

LeaLeander Wed 27-Apr-16 22:54:55

Your husband makes you contact your child's father through your aunt? How absurd. Why do you let him make rules for you to follow? It's none of his business how you interact with your child's father! You are not a servant or subordinate to your husband, you know. You can do whatever you wish and whatever is in the best interests of your son.

And he begrudges the money you spend on your very own offspring. Nice. Does he begrudge money spent on HIS bio-child?

Blackheart2016 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:54:58

Sorry I'm confused by which man is which. Who is complaining that you are running around the other one?

Blackheart2016 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:56:26

Oh I think it's your husband complaining about your ex?

Cabrinha Wed 27-Apr-16 23:08:56

So, you swapped one arsehole for another arsehole?

No fucking way should your husband be dictating to you what you do. Why are you putting up with that? Is your son hearing this shit about his father? Because that would be fun for him hmm

HeddaGarbled Wed 27-Apr-16 23:12:07

No you are not being unreasonable but your H is.

I think that what you are not doing right is not standing up for yourself and your child a bit more. You don't have to do everything your H says. So if you want to have contact with your ex, give him your address, buy your son things, you are allowed. It is not his place to stop you doing these things.

Telling you that you should tell your H to fuck off is not abuse being hurled at you. The best response is to tell him calmly that you will make the decisions about your son and that you will not be following his orders/advice.

However, I suspect that your H really is hurling abuse at you and is just using the situation with your ex as an excuse. He sounds like an angry and aggressive man. Are you happy with him apart from the arguments about your ex?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 28-Apr-16 03:25:41

Your h is being wholly unreasonable and if he "can't cope" with your ex being dc's dad he shouldn't have become the dc's stepfather.

You share parental responsibility for your dc with your ex and it's imperative that he should know the name, address, and phone number of his dc's GP in the event of an emergency and, similarly, he should have your/dc's address.

As for communication between you and your ex being conducted through an aunt, how ludicrous is this? You are two adults with a shared interest in promoting the welfare and wellbeing of your dc and, regardless of what went on when you first took up with your h, are no doubt capable of communicating direct with each other in a civil and courteous manner.

I'm sorry to say that your h sounds a deeply unpleasant and controlling piece of work and, if he's not prepared to allow you to exchange information direct with your ex, I suggest you ask him how he'd feel if you divorced him for his unreasonable behaviour and he found himself not knowing his dc's address or details of their GP and had to conduct any communication with you through a third party?

With regard to your h verbally abusing your ex whenever he sees him, I have no doubt that the police will advise him to desist should your ex make a complaint - which I sincerely hope he will as someone needs to take your self-entitled h down a peg or two.

In answer to your question "what am I not doing right?", what you're doing wrong is allowing your h to dictate terms when the right thing for him to do is to butt out and leave you to freely communicate with your ex as and when it's necessary for you to do so. .

As I find it hard believe that your dc is unaffected by this highly unsatisfactory situation I hope you'll take the necessary steps to remedy it asap.

Should you need further confirmation that your h being unreasonable I suggest you make contact with your nearest Women's Aid service www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ as I also find it hard to believe that he confines his controlling ways to this one issue.

Lunar1 Thu 28-Apr-16 04:10:37

This is no way to live, your poor child. Why should he have to live with a man who behaves like this about his dad. How does your ex not know where his child lives 50% of the time. Does he not know where his gp is? If I've read this right it's appalling.

wannabestressfree Thu 28-Apr-16 04:30:31

You know this is wrong. Get in contact and make sure he has your address and the address of the gp. It's abusive and your facilitating it.

hesterton Thu 28-Apr-16 04:39:21

Poor little boy. Sounds like a dreadful home situation. Do you have to stay with this man?

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