Dealing with overbearing inlaws

[atotalshambles]

My inlaws have been completely overbearing since my first child was born 7 years ago. I tried as far as possible to let them see the grandchildren whenever they wanted but however much they saw them it was never enough. It was all about 'helping' - 'do you need any help' 'we can come and help' I got to dread each school holiday as they always wanted the children (alone of course) when we wanted some time on our own.When they did see them it was (and is) as if I am invisible . I then got a serious illness and was in hospital for a few months. At one point I was given a 50/50 chance of survival so I am pretty traumatised. They said and did some unforgivable things in that time. When I was ill it was as if I could see clearly and I realised what a toxic relationship it was. So since then we have gone very LC - a few low key visits a few times a year. No more overnight stays anymore as I just simply don't trust them anymore. The problem is that they just can't accept this 'new' relationship. Whenever we see them they constantly ask 'ok so when can we have the children for a week'. The last time we saw them my FIL got drunk and told me that he was coming to take the children. I have been able to keep calm but I worry that I will end up falling out with them. They are retired, live in an isolated area and seem to spend their whole lives waiting for us to ask for 'help'.

[Joysmum]

You haven't mentioned a husband?

[StKildasNun]

You could speak to the police (or maybe a solicitor) and explain that your FIL threatened to take the DCs and see what rights they and you have. If it is on record with someone 'official' you might feel more able to resist and, knowing your rights will help you to be firmer in dealing with them.
What was their relationship with their son like?

[atotalshambles]

Husband is supportive . initially he didn't see the problem when children were born - they just want to help etc.. But they were overbearing to him when I was ill so he understands and is supportive. But it is tough as he loves his parents and doesn't want to upset them.

[atotalshambles]

They idolise their children. i don't really speak to them anymore - i leave it to my husband as they never listen to me. Their children can do no wrong (I guess like a lot of parents)

[StKildasNun]

But DH should see what's going on and take your side if they 'never listen to you'.

Sounds like they think their DCs are perfect beings, and their DCs' DCs are perfect beings and you are just of no consequence or in the way in this pantomime.

I would keep DCs away from them - they definitely are not just trying to help.

[WindPowerRanger]

Have you told them plainly that the children will not be going to stay anymore, and why? If not, I think you should (or rather, your husband should).

[Joysmum]

It's up to your DH to set clear, firm and consistent boundaries. His parents are his issue not yours.

Your issue is your marriage and being able to both communicate honestly and fully with each other to determine what those boundaries are he should be enforcing.