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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it a no no to begin an end-of-relationship dialogue by text/messenger?

21 replies

StirredNotShaken · 16/04/2016 23:03

Don't shout me down...please read first: I have been in a long distance (90 miles) relationship for 2 yrs. We see each other around 1 or 2 per month for an overnight and always have a good time . I have two children and therefore it is quite difficult for me to free myself up, he is twice divorced with no children. It has been an exclusive and committed relationship but we both have our own lives entirely and respect one another's space. It is the first proper relationship I have been in since I was widowed following a traumatic and abusive marriage. He is a fantastic man, but I just feel that I have run out of steam and I am, quite frankly, bored. WE communicate mainly by text/messenger and we chat on phone around twice a week on average catching up on one another;'s business. I'd guess he is far more into the whole thing than me right now. It has been a wonderful time for me but I realise how different we actually are and how opposite our lives are. WWYD?

OP posts:

Report

hownottofuckup · 16/04/2016 23:05

I think it would be better to do it on one of the weekly phonecalls?

StirredNotShaken · 16/04/2016 23:07

Do you think so? I know that is probably the right thing but I have no actual reason...iyswim. He;s done nothing wrong, I can't even thing of what I would say! At 50 years of age you don't have the 'balls' you had as a teenager.

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LineyReborn · 16/04/2016 23:16

What would you prefer to do? What feels right to you?

StirredNotShaken · 16/04/2016 23:21

I would prefer to message him, just say something along the lines of, I really need to just 'be' for a while. I don't want to be in a relationship. Everytime we meet it is to the detriment of my children as I have to organise childcare (this necessiates them staying elsewhere at the weekend as no 'at home' childcare obviously. I want to explain that I really just feel overloaded with stuff right now and need some breathing space from it all. it is honestly not him at all! I just feel like it is becoming something I have to schedule in along with all the other stuff I have to do. I am feeling burdened. Sorry, I have gone on a bit! There is nothing else from my life that I can cut out, not my 83 year old Mum, not my children, friends...nothing else can give. Oh, I don't bloody know. He is so nice but it has become so boring for me. I feel like a horrid person!

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LineyReborn · 16/04/2016 23:25

I'd just tell him that, because it's honest, in your chosen way.

Sounds like he's not making that much effort himself anyway.

StirredNotShaken · 16/04/2016 23:29

He would make more effort but we are both busy people. I just think that we are stuck.

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LineyReborn · 16/04/2016 23:33

It doesn't sound terribly exciting.

StirredNotShaken · 16/04/2016 23:35

It was at first, but I think I had never been treated so well, and he found me to be like no other he had met. We are totally different. And now that difference shows - at least to me...and I have realised that the distance and the 'no pressure' approach which served us well first is now not enough. I want to feel swept off my feet and find someone who is prepared to be with me more...which he is not and nor have I been. I think I am a mixture of all things and I must be so confusing! .

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WillIEverBeASizeTen · 16/04/2016 23:39

A LDR is incredibly difficult. Add children/work/elderly relatives then it becomes nigh on impossible. With the little time you have together, I can't imagine your lives are shared. Without sharing there is no relationship really, so I can see where you would be bored.

It is not his fault and neither is it yours, I personally would tell him, I think he's big enough to understand your position. If he doesn't, then he's not worth it anyway.

Having kids and trying to have a relationship is pretty tough going in itself, an LDR and kids..well..I take my hat off to you!

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 16/04/2016 23:41

I think if you really wanted him in your life and there was sufficient attraction you would make time for him.
It seems this relationship has run it's course and you need to be upfront and tell him this either by phone or face to face,
Don't make him feel unimportant by sending a text.

StirredNotShaken · 16/04/2016 23:56

You are all right. I know it. I will tell him. I think I will message and say I want to talk to him otherwise the texts just get comedic and like teenage banter. Thank you. I think I know really...I guess I just wanted an easy route out...Thank you all x

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ElanoraHeights · 17/04/2016 00:24

As someone who was ditched by text a few months ago, I am really not a fan of the ending a relationship by text approach.

It's not a nice thing to do I know but I do think it's far more respectful to the other person and less cowardly to say it over the phone. Just say that it's not working for you, that he's a lovely man and you hope he's happy and you wish him well but you have too much else going on right now. Just keep repeating the line that it's not working for you if he pushes things; that's not being mean to him by being personal and it's the truth.

I finished with someone this way a couple of years ago and, although it wasn't nice to do, I said it wasn't working and the guy was very nice about it. I didn't criticise him (though I was annoyed by him by the time I finished things and found him boring!) and was glad I had done it that way.

As an aside, I keep reading threads on here about finishing relationships by text and I think that's only acceptable if you're a) 12 and b) haven't been together for longer than a week! I have been taken aback at the number of people who think it's ok these days. What is the world coming to etc etc!

Isetan · 17/04/2016 07:07

It's not about having balls, it's about treating people with respect. You are entitled to end a relationship for any reason you like but that doesn't entitle you to be disrespectful by being dismissive. How would you feel if you were dumped by text?

HandyWoman · 17/04/2016 08:40

Agree with Isetan the respectful thing to do is end it by phone not text.

I have experienced a scenario not dissimilar. Was in a bad/EA marriage for 14 years then met someone totally the opposite who treated me very well. I couldn't believe my luck at first and went along with it. After my marriage being treated with warmth, kindness and respect was like and emotional 'spa break'. But as the months ticked on the differences showed and there wasn't enough attraction to balance out the difficult bits. It's a simple equation of 'is there enough in it for me to make the effort?' And the answer in your case is 'no, not any more'

However you aren't teenagers, please end this but do it over the phone.

Sootica · 17/04/2016 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/04/2016 09:42

I think how you end a relationship depends on how you normally communicate as a couple. Some people never talk on the phone so calling to end things would seem rather odd perhaps, but I'm not convinced text is right for a relationship lasting more than a few weeks really unless that's the way you exclusively chat. And it's not a serious relationship. I think Sootica's idea of a text first to warn him you can't see him this weekend and need to talk, then chat on the phone.

StirredNotShaken · 17/04/2016 10:09

Thank you all, your responses are as I anticipated and I know it is the right thing to do. If I were to have have done it by text it wouldn't have been an one line thing, we do speak by text/messenger more than verbally or in person. I suppose I just wanted an easy 'out'! I haven't seen him for two weeks and not got any plans until end of April, so I will have to tell him over phone. Feel dreadful, he's done nothing wrong! But the endless texting,,messaging etc is quite draining and it is difficult to keep things going when there is little physical contact. He did say he would come and do lunch one day this week but my son doesn't even go back to school until this Tuesday so I could really do with some space and time to get my house in order and get back into the swing of things. Sorry, am rambling here. He is going to be reasonable but very sad about it, but i cannot even respond to his "I love you's" any more as it is just not in me.

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Sootica · 18/04/2016 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StirredNotShaken · 19/04/2016 07:20

Not yet, I haven't yet seen him and we are not doing so until weekend after next. Think you are right....he must sense it and that is not a good thing. But I will post on here with an update.x

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Lweji · 19/04/2016 07:27

I have been almost exactly in your position and after a week debating it with myself I ended it over a phone call.
I didn't think it was fair on him to drive over one hour just to be dumped. And it's so difficult to keep things going as normal while texting and calling.
It's not ideal, but I really wouldn't want to drag it if you are going to end it.

ChubbyPolecat · 19/04/2016 07:54

I ended my last relationship by text. He had done something he needed to apologise for so it sort of opened the lines of communication and the conversation went that way when I realised it was as good a time as any to end it. I really didn't like him by that time whereas he said he loved me so I didn't want to do it over the phone as I knew I wouldn't sound upset and thought that would upset him more. He ended up ringing anyway and I'm sure I must have sounded cold but I needed him out of my life

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