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Not sure how i can end things

(9 Posts)
Bumpkin2 Mon 11-Apr-16 07:57:52

I'm really unhappy in my relationship and just don't know what to do. He's quite controlling and when I've posted before people said he was emotionally abusive. He's like 2 different people, 1 nice 1 a complete arsehole. We have a 3 year old and a 6 month old and he's the same with the older, shouts at her a lot and has no patience but is also the most loving dad. I think he has too high expectations of her and when he's annoyed and shouts a question at her if she doesn't answer straight away he keeps shouting for an answer which unsurprisingly she can't give. He has always liked winding me up to get a reaction and now he's started doing the same to her, he'll wind her up till she shouts or has a tantrum and then he'll punish her for doing it.

No one sees this though, to everyone else he's the perfect fun loving dad who adores his family. I look at my baby and know that if I stay the same thing will happen to her and it's killing me. I hate seeing how he is with my eldest but i just don't know what to do.

No one would believe me if I told them what he was like (apart from my mum who has seen his aggression first hand) so one of the reasons I stay is because if I left he would end up having them on his own which I couldn't handle. At least if I'm here I'm unhappy but always there for them.

I'd love a relationship where I looked forward to weekends, right now I dread them. Even nice days out just ends up in arguments. Its getting worse as time goes on as my confidence is getting lower and lower so I struggle with decision making and that causes more arguments. I'll make a decision that he doesn't agree with but because I get so flustered when he questions me on it I can't explain my reasons properly so he gets annoyed.

This isn't the person I want to be or an example I want to set for my children but I can't see any way round it without giving him more control over them than he already has.

Sorry, that was a bit long, think I just needed to get it off my chest!

Costacoffeeplease Mon 11-Apr-16 08:05:33

It sounds like you know there's no future here, and it's time to put steps in place to leave. Don't let him abuse your children any longer - you don't want them to end up with a partner like him when they're adults

Bumpkin2 Mon 11-Apr-16 08:09:59

But if I leave he'll end up have them on his own for weekends or more when I won't be there for them at all. He's so charming and comes across as a complete loving dad which he can be, no one would believe me.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 11-Apr-16 08:12:02

But you'll have more time with them, away from his influence - and be honest with people, let them know just what he's really like

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Apr-16 08:16:48

He is still being abusive to you and in turn your children. This is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you all.

Your reasons for staying are not in any way reasons for staying; all that will happen is that you and your children will end up being further controlled by him. You are likely now a shadow of your former self. He is also now shouting at your 3 year old; that is totally unacceptable. You cannot allow your children to grow up thinking that this is their norm for them as well. How can be ever be the most loving dad when he is doing that at all, he is doing to her what he has been doing and still is doing to you. He is not a fit father to his children but an abusive one. Being there with him does not protect them your eldest child from his emotional abuse of her either because you are seeing that happen right in front of your very eyes. Your comment, "at least if I'm here I'm unhappy but always there for them" is a frankly stupid reason for at all staying within this. You're just showing them that this is currently still acceptable to you on some level.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Such men see their partner and children as mere possessions for them to use as they see fit. You will never be equal to him because he will not allow it.

Men like him often seem plausible to those in the outside world but am certain that some people are suspicious of him and his motives. Also your mother has seen his aggression towards you at first hand. What has her counsel been to you before now?.

He will likely make all aspects of you separating from him as difficult and protracted as possible as punishment aimed at you for having the gall in his eyes as he sees it in leaving him. Its however the only way forward for you and your children though because a life of being controlled is no life at all. I doubt very much that he will have much if any interested in his children post separation anyway; again he will use contact or a lack of with his children as a weapon to further punish you with. In any case I would not ever do mediation with him due to his abuse.

Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft could well help you as well as seeking help from Womens Aid into forming an exit plan. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-Apr-16 08:19:23

Have a discussion with Womens Aid.
They can help you with an exit plan and ways to try to go for supervised contact only.
Start keeping a diary of events and what happens.
If at all possible, try to record him shouting at your daughter, but do not put yourself in danger by doing this.
Start talking to your mum more about this. Call her and let her know how your day is going and what has happened.
First stop though, Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
You know you can't stay. Just because you are there keeping an eye on things doesn't mean that your DD is not getting the abuse. She clearly is and she is watching you let it happen.
Not good at all.
Time to takes steps to protect them both.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Apr-16 08:22:15

"But if I leave he'll end up have them on his own for weekends or more when I won't be there for them at all. He's so charming and comes across as a complete loving dad which he can be, no one would believe me".

Well I believe you, have seen far too many of these sorts of scenarios before now. Many abusive men do come across as plausible to those in the outside world but they do not see the reality of living with him that you and in turn your children do.

Do you really think he will end up having them on his own for two days at a time?. I can't see him putting the effort into maintaining that in the long term. He will probably state all sorts of crap about you to begin with (he may well threaten to take the children away from you, call you an unfit mother and such guff) and go on and on about access or a lack of at the start as a further means of punishing you for leaving him. He will mess them about re access too. He does not give a fig for you or his children, they really mean that little to him.

pippistrelle Mon 11-Apr-16 08:52:47

And if you do leave, you will be actively showing your children that you will not tolerate this behaviour, and that they do not have to either. Something that will stand them in good stead their whole lives.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Mon 11-Apr-16 09:50:32

Totally agree with hellsbellsmelons, record him when he bullies your DC and keep a diary. He can put on the charm as much as he likes but you'll have evidence to back your side of the story up then.

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