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Post break up coping mechanisms

(20 Posts)
LesAnya Sun 03-Apr-16 14:21:14

Broke up with bf of almost 2 years this week. We met up yesterday to talk, and it has just made everything 10x worse.

I keep on thinking that it can't be over, there's so much that we haven't had a chance to do together yet sad. I have cried, which helps but now my head and nose hurts so it's probably not good long term. Any guidance/anecdotes of what you did to feel better? tell me it gets better

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Apr-16 14:26:14

Can't really advise but I was the same as you once. I was completely in love with him and absolutely heartbroken. But it only took 3 weeks to get over him. That's not long at all considering how I felt about him and the heart break.

Once you realise it's for the best it gets easier.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Apr-16 14:26:56

Whose decision was it?

LesAnya Sun 03-Apr-16 14:31:14

I suppose it was a mutual decision at first. We'd argued about the future as he's a bit older than me and he changed from "I don't know if I want to marry you" to "I don't know if I want to get married at all". So we agreed to give each other some space, which we did and met up to talk things through but I think he'd made up his mind by then. He says we've not been happy for a while news to me and that if we want different things then we should part ways as obviously it wouldn't work long term. It's just all a bit sad for me.

LesAnya Sun 03-Apr-16 14:32:58

I can see his point in a way, if I want things that he won't feels he is unable to give me, then it does make sense to call it a day sooner rather than later. It's just a shame because he was my best friend too, and I genuinely thought we'd be together forever.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Apr-16 14:38:59

Coping mechanisms:

- Cut all contact: block on social media, e-mail, and phone. Cut off any mutual friends who start to pass on news about him with "I don't want to hear about ex, thank you."
I know you don't want to, but this is a mandatory sanity-saving measure! Look how bad you feel after your latest talk. You don't need that.

- Fill your time. Now is the time to call all your best girlfriends and plan coffee dates and nights out. And to join that pottery class you were always curious about. Be busy. Busy people who are interacting with other human beings have less time to mope.

- Distract yourself from moping. When you are inevitably alone and your mind gets lost in thought and sadness and what-ifs, have a pre-prepared go-to thing to think about instead: your plans for your best friend's birthday. That hiking weekend you want to organise. Anything: just giving your mind something else to chew on, or else you know you're going down down down a very deep rabbit hole of bad feeling.

- Allow time to pass, and to heal you. It will, I promise.

TheNaze73 Sun 03-Apr-16 14:39:04

However hard it is at the moment, it will get easier. I agree with you about seeing his point. Glad he was honest rather than just stringing you along

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 14:42:53

Everything that RiceCrispieTreats said. x 10.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Apr-16 14:47:21

Yes definitely cut contact, you'll only feel worse if you see him/hear from him.

If you can't cope carrying on with him knowing you're not gonna marry, then that's it. What if you accepted it, would he carry on with you?

LesAnya Sun 03-Apr-16 15:00:25

I don't think he would moon. I think he'd be concerned about me 'sacrificing' - for want of a better word - what I always said I ultimately wanted. I don't know if I would either, I would have concerns about resenting him 5 years down the line for not wanting anything more

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Apr-16 15:27:45

If you're sure that's what you absolutely want then you're doing the right thing.

It's hard but one day you'll meet someone where you both want exactly the same. You probably can't think about that right now.

Keep busy and let it pass. Treat yourself to something new and see friends and family. x

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Apr-16 15:29:08

What were his reasons not to marry?

Fluffyears Sun 03-Apr-16 15:31:38

Think about how you feel now as the start of an illness. You feel shite you need rest and treats, as time goes on you feel better. You might get recurrencurs if the illness but each day you are getting better and eventually you do come through it.

LesAnya Sun 03-Apr-16 15:36:51

He said he had long standing commitment issues, which given that I was his first long term relationship, makes sense. I just don't understand why he'd spend almost two years with me given that previous relationships were only about 6 months each. confused

Teaandcakeat8 Sun 03-Apr-16 15:37:43

Cut contact with him all together and delete everything that reminds you of him. This is the worst part but it makes it ten times easier. Including removing him from all social media (don't just hide updates, you won't be able to help yourself but stalk), delete his number, texts etc. If you are sentimental put all momentos in a box and give them to a friend in case you want them back later (I bet you won't).

Did you live together? If so the practical things will keep you busy. If not distract yourself; spend time with friends, get stuck in at work, anything to take your mind off it.

Whatever you do, don't sleep with him. Don't fish for information. You sound like you know it's for the best so keep reminding yourself of that.

It's odd that he's chosen to finish it now. Don't be surprised if there is another woman involved.

Think of this as a great opportunity to think about yourself and you only. Be selfish, do something you couldn't do in a relationship. If the next boyfriend you meet is 'the one', make sure you've done all the things you wanted with the freedom you have now.

And have a hug, because it is truly the worst feeling chocolateflowerswine

BG2015 Sun 03-Apr-16 15:47:10

I agree with the cutting all contact. Delete everything and throw things away, birthday cards, letters etc.

I split from my ex in Dec 2013 and it took me a long time to get over him. I joined my local gym and made some new friends there, got fit and then met my DP.

It will get better.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Apr-16 16:09:54

You're definitely doing the right thing then. Did he tell you this at the start?

Massive hugs, you'll be fine eventually.

Sounds like he wants to be single so he can do what he wants.

MrsJuice Sun 03-Apr-16 23:14:59

If it's any comfort, I bloody well married the 'perfect man'. We were in breakable, in love, and still had amazing sex.
We had a daughter, who we both adore. He was a fantastic father, and stepfather to my other daughters. We'd been through some highly challenging circumstances, but always survived.
One day he just left. I'll never understand. We loved each other unquestionably. He misses the children, and gets visibly upset every time he sees them.
I adore him, but I'm losing patience. He admits that our relationship wouldn't have broken down if I had't been ill.
He's lost everything that he loved and relied upon. I have pulled myself together, and managed to keep the children on an even keel.
Some men just don't have the balls to be what they pretend to be. Mine wasn't.
If someone will easily walk away, then they will do it again.
Work on your self esteem. Mindfulness apps are great.
I'm going to focus on what I know (kids, friends, family), and discard what didn't prioritise me. It hurts, no doubt, but you need to move on.
Life is out there!

loveyoutothemoon Thu 07-Apr-16 09:58:04

How are you feeling/coping OP?

harriet2802 Thu 07-Apr-16 10:09:42

Hey,

I went through a break up with my ex of 4 years just over 6 months ago. At the time I couldn't stop crying, I took time off work and I practically begged him to make a go of things again. I couldn't imagine life without him and I was in a very dark place. Everybody told me that I will feel better one day and I just didn't believe them at all. It was horrible.

But look now, here I am, 6 months later and I'm just fine! I have realised I WILL meet somebody again some day. I had my first date since the break up this weekend and it was lovely. Topped up by seeing my ex and his girlfriend out the other night and she told me how unhappy she was.

You will get there eventually and one day you will be happy flowers

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