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DH doesn't find me attractive anymore

(18 Posts)
Toounhappynow Fri 01-Apr-16 22:06:38

I think anyway. We have had very little sex for the past 10 years, more me than him but neither of us seem to have high libidos. I have had my testosterone levels measured and they are virtually non-existent. I was referred to a consultant as my GP at the time realised it is a problem but saw a junior dr who asked if I had thought of trying foreplay and couldn't understand that it wasn't that I didn't know how to shag well, or have orgasms because I usually have multiples, it was because I had no desire whatsoever to have sex. With anyone. Fast forward years and we haven't shagged in 2 years. Kids are hard work, one with SN, work situation precarious and other family worries but still, we should be having sex. He always gave me the feeling he was up for it if I wanted but not anymore. We cuddle and say I love you and he squeezes me in bed but I have noticed that has decreased in the last couple of months - the cuddling in bed. Also, the suggestive remarks don't happen anymore. Neither of us were active in this area and it seemed balanced even though we were aware we should make the effort. I genuinely do not think he is having an affair. We have talked about it and Dh used to reassure me he still found me attractive but we never did get round to getting on with it!

I have put on loads of weight, it just sort of crept on, more and faster than I realised and now I am a repulsive lump. I used to be lovely and Dh did comment once recently, bluntly (on Asd spectrum) if I was going to just keep piling on weight and I was devastated. He couldn't see anything wrong with comment. I said I knew I had become over-weight, why did he need to point it out? I grew up with a mother with very disordered eating and my self-esteem is very much tied to my weight. I have been on ADs for a year and they really helped but think they contributing to weight gain hugely. I can't face the thought of not taking them though. Also tired beyond belief but bloods normal. I am in early middle aged, DH approaching 60.

I don't blame him for not finding me attractive anymore, I totally understand but I still unfairly feel resentful about it. If Dh had piled on 5 stone I wouldn't feel attracted to him, so why should he? I know I need to lose weight and we just get on with having sex and get back into the habit but I think he no longer wants to.

But how am I going to get over him not finding me attractive now, even though I get it? I am not clinically obese or huge, I still have the defined waist, bum, boobs , just with rolls, but I am pretty overweight now. But I just feel so affronted and hurt. Even though logically I understand it.

And what can I do about increasing my libido? I don't think it is as simple as getting back in the habit. It feels as though it disappeared years ago. After my first kid. Once a month on ovulation day I feel some vague stirring but it is nothing really. And now I feel inhibited, repulsive and let down that I don't have normal sexually desire. I tried DIY but ADs have made it almost impossible and tbh I end up not being bothered and going to sleep.

Please don't flame me for being a shite wife/partner. I don't need that. I dislike myself enough.

ChampagneTastes Fri 01-Apr-16 22:16:09

I don't think this is so much about your relationship as about your feelings about your size. From what you've said, your DH has not explicitly said he doesn't find you attractive (I know he talked about you getting bigger but that's not the same thing). Is it possible that you are imposing your insecurities onto him? You say that you are not keen on having sex so could he not simply be trying to respect your wishes? I think you need to have a frank conversation with your DH - you may find that he is not judging you like you think.

flowers I don't think things are as bad as you think.

Thatslife72 Fri 01-Apr-16 22:27:10

I agree I think it's u that's not happy with yourself, that effects your labido big time! And if your not confident and being flirty and just simply looking confident he won't be as attracted to u either. I used to be a skinny size 8 but I'm now a size 12 and just don't feel attractive so not as sexy and not as confident. It's a vicious circle. Why don't u get some new clothes, or perhaps a new hairstyle not for him but for you, then u will feel more confident and he will start notice u again 😉 X

Dancingtothemusicoftime Fri 01-Apr-16 22:40:13

ADs - Citalopram - completely killed my libido, and I piled on the weight too. I was also perpetually exhausted. There are threads elsewhere on here by women who have experienced the same effect when taking this medication. That said, they were a complete lifesaver for me - literally.

I was able to gradually wean myself off them after taking them for 18m and my weight has dropped but not by as much as I would like. I know I need to exercise and eat more sensibly/drink less. But my libido has returned, albeit not with the same ferocity as in my earlier years, but sufficient to restore intimacy.

I agree with ChampagneTastes, this is probably more about your own sense of self and self-worth rather than any lack of reciprocal interest on your DH's part. Why not go back to your GP and discuss your concerns? My GP was brilliant and referred me for counselling which I found hugely helpful. Perhaps think about couples counselling too, so that you can express your hurt and doubts in a facilitated environment? You sound lovely and have a lot to deal with. flowers for you.

Thatslife72 Fri 01-Apr-16 22:48:51

Oh yes I take citrolopram too, that's also what made me put weight on and I'm so tired! I can't seem to loose it too. What a pain x

LotsOfShoes Fri 01-Apr-16 22:52:54

You say he's almost 60, his ave can also be a factor in why he's not that interested in sex anymore.

LotsOfShoes Fri 01-Apr-16 22:53:08

I meant his age*

HeddaGarbled Sat 02-Apr-16 00:22:50

So you don't want to have sex with your husband and haven't done so for many years and have repeatedly knocked him back when he has tried to initiate it?

And now he has stopped trying to initiate sex but you are upset because he doesn't appear to want to have sex any more?

Can you genuinely not see that the problem is not your weight but your rejection of him sexually?

He may be feeling that he is respecting your wishes by stopping making suggestive remarks etc. Or he may be hurt by your continuous rejections and protecting himself from that.

It is quite common for women who don't want to have sex to put on weight in order to make themselves sexually unattractive and so protect themselves from unwanted attention. This may not be the case with you but it's worth thinking about.

If you are not happy with the current situation, I would suggest some counselling, firstly for yourself, to explore your issues with sex and your feelings about yourself. Later, you might want to look into relationships counselling but I wouldn't worry about that just yet.

6cats3gingerkittens Sat 02-Apr-16 12:35:46

Hedda, are you a bloke?

suspiciousofgoldfish Sat 02-Apr-16 14:15:20

grin Hedda, I just spat my tea out.

So that's why I am fat! I subconsciously want to repulse anyone from having sex with me!! You are a genius!

I hear the Samaritans are having a recruitment drive, just FYI.

Slowdecrease Sun 03-Apr-16 16:47:04

I agree on some level with Hedda. I know for a fact I put weight on with my exh in an attempt to repel him..when I was ready to leave him and go back into the dating world I lost the weight and felt instantly more attractive - because I wanted to attract.

huskylover Sun 03-Apr-16 21:58:46

Cripes! Whatever happened to just loving your DH and having a healthy when I look at him I want to rip his pants off relationship?

turkeylovessprout Sun 03-Apr-16 22:14:48

That's interesting slowdecrease. I've lost 3 stone in 6 months (went up to size 18 with 3 kids) since I left and feel like 18 again.
Depression is awful for weight gain, however I am still on Fluroxetine and still have no libido or desire to have any kind of relationship sad

Slowdecrease Sun 03-Apr-16 22:40:58

Everyone is different I suppose Turkey well done on the weight loss that's incredible smile

turkeylovessprout Sun 03-Apr-16 22:46:14

If I may say so myself! smile Slowdecrease.
Much of it is to do with mindset for some people. For me, I was just comfort eating as I was miserable .

Slowdecrease Sun 03-Apr-16 23:07:39

I need your will power I have 2.5 stone to lose by September!! (This time it's because I'm really happy and a bit complacent oops)

turkeylovessprout Sun 03-Apr-16 23:50:03

smile Go lady! You can do it. I've been drinking lots of green tea mind and tried a few appetite suppressants. Whatever It takes! I hate gyms and diets. Running up and down stairs all day to the demands of a 6,4 and 2 year old helps too. Now I do t with a spring in my step! smile

turkeylovessprout Sun 03-Apr-16 23:51:08

ps, if you'd like to borrow the 6,4 and 2 year old to help you on your way, let me know and I'll send them over.

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