Trust issues

[Adele978]

Apologies if this is a long one. I don't rally have anyone to talk to, we moved away quite a number of years ago and I lost touch with all my friends due to work and family commitments so I really only have my kids and my husband, I love them all so much but I need someone to talk to about this.

Me and my husband met 10 years ago, we met about 1 month after my mum and dad split up due to him cheating. I saw the effect that it had on my mum and never wanted to be put in that position in my life.

We met and everything was great, I told him near the beginning of the relationship about my mum and dad and how if he ever felt like he wanted to be with someone else or do anything with anyone else I would prefer him to speak to me and break it off rather than do something behind my back, which he agreed on.

A couple of months into the relationship he asked me to grab his phone for him, I was bringing it to him and he got a text, without even thinking I just opened it and found it was from another girl, he had asked her out for that evening, she said no. I was devastated, it broke me I wasn't in love with him at the time and we had only been together for a short time but just the fact that even after what I asked him he still did it. With it being so soon into the relationship too, its not like we had been together for years and he was scared to break up with me it would have been so easy for him to just end it there and then, no heartbreak just it was working but he choose to do it behind my back.

I ended it immediately and bizarrely enough it was my mum who convinced me to give him a second chance, even after what she had been through. So I did.

Fast forward a couple of years, we get married and everything seems fine on the surface although inside I'm dying on a daily basis. Its not necessarily that I think he is going to cheat on me, I think what hurts the most is that the the only reason he didn't go out with that girl is because she said no. If she had said yes what would have happened, would we still be together? Would he have chosen her over me? I feel like I'm second best because I'll never know. He tries to reassure me but the fact is, he doesn't even know, if she had said yes and they went out he might have fallen madly in love with her and they be together, I know this is all what ifs but it just hurts to know that I was the backup plan.

He also lies constantly, a few stupid examples below.

He told me about a guy who had started at work, this guy likes to brag about going out and cheating on his wife on a regular basis, apparently a real piece of work that nobody likes. We're at home one day and his phone rings, I answer it for him, its this guy from work. I whispered to him, how did he get your number and he told me that he had no idea. So I just asked the guy how he had gotten Micks numbers and he said that Mick had given it to him. I asked Mick and of course then the truth comes out, he did give it to him. I don't understand the need to lie, this now looks like a cover up. I mean, it would be strange that he had given him his number since he made out that he hated the guy but now it looks really suss that he lied about it and got caught out. Does this make sense to anyone else? Is it just me or would this make other people wonder?

Secondly and more recently I made him lunch for work, he came home and I asked if he enjoyed his lunch that I made, he said that it was nice. Later that night I had to go to the car for something, what was in the back seat? his lunch, untouched. I confronted him and he said that he didn't eat his lunch he actually went out for dinner with some people from work. Again, why lie? Now it looks like your hiding something. If he had said, oh actually we decided to go to Nandos for some lunch there would be no problem but the fact he tried to hide it and cover it up makes it looks ten times worse. I asked him why he lied and he didn't even know. Again, does anyone else see a problem with this?

I can't abide liars, its just something that I have never seen the point in. I am very straight to the point with everything, I just don't feel the need to lie, even if sometimes it might mean saying something that someone might not want to hear. It just worries me that his first thought for things is just to outright lie to me, I try so hard to teach my kids the importance of honesty but how can he to back me up on this when he lies constantly?

I'm so sorry it was so long, I think I just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone got to the end, thanks. If you have any thoughts please let me know. It would be really appreciated.

[sunshinesummer]

It sounds as though he is friends with this man who cheats on his wife. Could he be his Wing Man? Is he out a lot? I'd be going thru his phone. Self protection and all that. You know he isn't truthful, so that would be my next step.

[pallasathena]

If he lies constantly he's probably a fantasist who lives in a world that he pretends is more exciting than the real one. Men like him are basically losers o/p who have very little to recommend them from what I've seen over the years. We have 'the type', in the extended family unfortunately.
You say, and I quote, 'Inside I'm dying daily...' why do you feel that way? because in answering that question I think you have the answer to the bigger question which is all about how unhappy you really are despite saying how much you love him.
You need to take stock and you need to work out if this relationship has a future. If it does, then you need to detach and make it work on your terms far more than it is is right now. If it doesn't have a future then you need to plan your escape. Like you, I couldn't live with a liar either.

[loveyoutothemoon]

The sandwich thing I don't see as a problem, a little white lie to stop you feeling bad, but the phone number thing, why lie about that? If there were lots and lots of other lies then I see what you mean.

You have any more examples?