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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I accept this and move on?

14 replies

Whatcanido77 · 26/03/2016 10:40

Background is that DH and I met 14 years ago. He was separated but not divorced and he had a child who is now an adult.

Fast forward we married 8 years ago and have a 6 yr old DD.

However, this is where the problem starts. He will not agree to any more children and tells me that I only have myself to blame for this as he told me at the outset that he didn't want any more than one and also reiterated this before we married. Of course at that time and being in love, i just went along with it and was clueless at that age as was mid 20's and hadn't thought about them myself.

He hasn't relented and has told me to stop going on about it now. He is frankly sick of me going on. I am 38 now but it wasn't until I had one that i realised how much joy they bring. He on the other hand finds it much harder work having already been through it once and being older than me.

I can see where he is coming from but I can't help the way I have felt.

How do we move past this because it is starting to affect the relationship and how i feel towards him. He can't see this because of the fact he told me and I therefore had a choice to walk away. His argument is if I wanted 2/3 kids I should have got with someone who wanted the same! He is right in that bit isn't he!! I wish I had now looking back. why does love cloud your judgement when you are young?

Anyway back to the question, how do I come to terms with it and how do we move on from this?

OP posts:

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TheCrumpettyTree · 26/03/2016 11:05

Well he's been honest with you from the start. He doesn't want another child so you have a choice to stay and have the child you've got or leave in the hope you'll have another child. Do you want to stay in the relationship? What sort of a dad is he?

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TokenGinger · 26/03/2016 11:06

He's completely right. He was honest and told you from the outset. Pestering him to have a child he does not want is unfair. You either have to stick with just one child or leave.

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Costacoffeeplease · 26/03/2016 11:20

He is right, yes. It's now up to you to decide whether your relationship overrides having more children or vice versa

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OneLove10 · 26/03/2016 11:20

I think he is right in that he was honest with you from the start. It's not really morally right to have a child if you don't want to. You have two options, either the need to have a child is greater and you leave and start over or accept that your family of 3 is enough.
Sorry I'm sure it must be tough but he has been upfront about this and gave you no false impressions.

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Whatcanido77 · 26/03/2016 11:27

Thanks. I know deep down that you are right and I just need to come to terms with it. I don't want to leave him as we have a nice family life with the one we have. He is a good man and a good dad who does his share and supports the family financially in a job he hates. I shouldn't feel this way towards him but I am finding it hard as time ticks on.

It's just so difficult when you yearn for another and your partner isn't on the same page.

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RandomMess · 26/03/2016 11:29

I think there is another side to this neither of have you considered.

Is he able to support you through your feelings of coming to terms of not having anymore?

DH agreed to a #4 for me with the agreement that would be the last. I decided to be sterilised after #4 for health reasons - I was crying so much in pre-op the surgeon didn't want to operate (I think he was concerned I had been coerced). What hurt far more is that DH wasn't supporting me emotionally through saying goodbye to that chapter of family life (youngest was at school).

My sadness etc made him feel guilty and he withdrew when what I needed was him to hold me close and let me work through the sadness etc.

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Whatcanido77 · 26/03/2016 11:44

We have had discussions about it a good few times and whilst he understands my feelings, the discussion always comes back to "I have never misled you" he does tend to live in a world of black and white when it comes to this.

OP posts:

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SeeYouTomorrow · 26/03/2016 11:47

I sympathise with your feelings of wanting more, it really is not uncommon even for women/men who already have 2+ children... but surely you married him for exactly the right reasons, because you loved one another? Regretting marrying him is actually a little awful and I hope he isn't aware of your feelings on this.

If he is a good dad and husband and you have a nice little family, find a way to come to terms with this so you do not become bitter and resentful. You should explore why you feel that your husband and daughter are not enough. Does the want for more children supersede your existing family's stability and emotional welfare? I hope you would answer 'no' to that. Make peace with this or your marriage is doomed anyway.

Counselling may help. Is that something you would do? Random makes a good point; I would advocate speaking openly to your husband about accepting his decision but also asking for his emotional support in helping your come to terms with the decision.

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RandomMess · 26/03/2016 11:50

Then perhaps he doesn't understand then does he?

You know he isn't going to change his mind but is he hearing that you are full of regret and anger and heartbeak and you need more than a response of "I have never misled you". A lot of those feelings are probably aimed at yourself and it will make a big difference if he can support you through your grief of coming to terms with it IMHO.

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SeeYouTomorrow · 26/03/2016 11:51

Sorry, I missed your last post.

He is right though, isn't he? This is a black and white issue. He told you his feelings from the outset and has remained absolute in his desire not to have any more children.

What would you like him to say or do to help you in this? (I am not being sarcastic btw, just genuinely trying to help).

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RandomMess · 26/03/2016 11:55

Also recognise that some of your desire etc. is irrational biology - your body is screaming at you "last chance saloon" I'm coming up 44 and I'd love to have another baby - I mean WTF - there is no logic to that!

I still miss having pre-school DC - however grandchildren could be not that far off if I'm honest I really enjoy spending time with other peoples toddlers but would I really want to give up all the free time I have now? No I wouldn't but my nurturing instinct wants the simplicity of young children instead of the turbulence of teenagers...

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littleleftie · 26/03/2016 11:59

This sort of post comes up quite regularly doesn't it, and it's so hard as there is no room for compromise.

In my RL experiences I have three friends who have been in this position. Both now really regret staying. One is stuck in a very unhappy controlling marriage and has never got over having no children. The other had one child and her DP refused to have more. When she was 44 he left her for much younger OW and has had three DC with her. Last friend aready had one child, DP didn't want another. She fell pregnant anyway and her partner left her. She doesn't regret having her second DC though.

Only you really know how important an issue this is for you but I do feel really sorry for you.

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seasideview · 26/03/2016 12:09

I am guessing he is early/mid 40's?

I am really not surprised that he doesn't want to go back to nappies/crying babies at this stage of his life, let alone think about another 18 years of child raising. And he was honest about this, from the get-go.

I am mid 40's, my DH is early 40's and our children are adults (just). We are now looking forward to a bit of freedom and lots of travel. I'm sure lots of people are the same.

The thing is, if you did leave him so that you could have a baby with someone else, you could spend 5 years finding someone, another few TTC, before you know it, you're mid 40's with a new born and you'll still be on the school run at 60. Would you want that? Also, the age gap between your DD and baby number 2 would be huge. Meaning they may not be close.

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Whatcanido77 · 26/03/2016 12:18

Seaside view- I know. He is actually late 40's so it's a daunting prospect for him.

It's something I am going to have to come to terms with. I don't want to break up what is a good family and nice life all for the hope that I may get lucky! And in any case it would be a bit selfish of me wouldn't it. Disrupting his life and that of my Child all for my own selfish reasons!

The feelings are hard to deal with sometimes though although I know biology will be playing a part in this too.