Marriage and Health

[custardmountains2]

My then partner left me after we got a house together for the best part of a year when I was in my mid twenties citing one of the main reasons was that I was 'always ill all the time' and he didn't love me anymore. We did get back together as he said he missed me - but I never got over him saying this. He is still unsympathetic if I'm ill. I have since been diagnosed with 3 lifelong conditions (nothing hedious and hopefully don't look too ugly for it ).

He also said that once the kids are at school he expects me to support myself which I have done as I am a very proud person and not a moaner. I only work part-time but am looking to go back full time now my kids are much older which I want to do to be fully independent and for my own pride.

I do worry if I will cope - what do you do in this situation? Having said that I am looking to go back full time as I love working and getting out and about.

Don't know if I really want advice just wanted to see if anyone has been through something similar as all my friends seem to be fit as a butchers dogs and sprouting more babies left right and centre ( not that I'm jealous or anything so can't really talk to them about it.

[lookingforafriend]

Sorry to hear about your ill health...
I am registered as disabled, walk with a stick, spend best part of my life in bed.....constant uncontrollable pain from the neck down and am looking at further major spinal surgery very soon...

I can honestly sympathise with you as to how you feel.....yes, I too am always unwell.......I am also sad, scared, lonely, bitter and extremely frustrated.......no other person can possibly understand unless they are or have been through the same,,,,

I am extremely fortunate to have a very supportive, caring and loving husband who takes care of me no matter what....however, it is difficult....

Is there a family member or a close friend that you are able to confide in? Is there a way that do not have to return to full time work? Are you well enough to do so?

These are questions that I think are important to think about and be discussed....I do also hope you have someone to talk to...

[custardmountains2]

I am no way that bad and very sorry you are going through this . Can't really say too much or I would out myself as one of them is rare but can make working full time tricky as it can be random as how it effects me. I like to think I'm tough as nails and can do it but do worry about getting tired and people noticing though as I have found telling people has done me no favours. People are unsurprisingly indifferent or unsympathetic

[goddessofsmallthings]

He also said that once the kids are at school he expects me to support myself which I have done

What does tihis mean? Are your finances entirely separate or are your joint earnings pooled with you both having an equal share of any disposable monies?

Are you married and, if not, is your name on the mortgage/tenancy agreement for your home?

[custardmountains2]

He is a high earner and does pay bills and small mortgage at the moment. I would like to feel like I have the option of being completely independent though. I am a strong willed moody old cow!

[custardmountains2]

Goddess, our other finances are separate and always has been.

[RomiiRoo]

How old are your DC? I am guessing he has no idea that school age children still need lots of input with homework, school events, organising playdates and extracurricular activities, parties and presents for friends, dental and doctor appointments, illnesses, friendship crises, not to mention the fact that schools still assume one parent is available for this, that and the other.

I work FT as a single parent, next time your DH says he expects you to work FT once DC are at school, tell him you expect such tasks as the above to be shared equally. See how long that lasts.

[custardmountains2]

Romi they are older now and have juggled all that stuff up till now - there health has not been perfect either which has made it harder to deal with.

[custardmountains2]

I don't know what I'm asking really just if anyone has been through the same thing - a bit of support I suppose even though I'm doing ok?

[Aussiebean]

I know someone who was diagnosed with ME 6 weeks after their wedding. She had two kids going in.

Her dh, earned all the money, did the shopping, housework, supported her going back to school, did all the night feeding when their children were born and didn't complain or demand anything in return.

[RomiiRoo]

Hi again,

I'm sorry I misread your original post, I am tired. I may be mis-reading again, but it seems to me then that your husband has been able to be a big earner and enjoy the benefits of family life, because you are working part-time and deal with the day to day aspects of having children. (This is without even considering the health aspects - I have a mental health and fatigue related condition and one of my children I am currently trying to get evaluated for ASD, so I speak with some experience of the difficulties there, but not as much as you). You should be more than proud.

And, not only that, but your finances beyond house and bills are separate, which means what? He has his pension, you have yours; he has his savings, you have yours etc. Has he ring-fenced his earnings in his will too? What happens if he keels over tomorrow? Are you and the children provided for?

You are going to work FT, despite the fact that you probably actually need rest for the good of your health and wellbeing and between you, your household has enough money; and the fact that you are worrying how you will cope suggests that right now, the additional pressure may actually be more detrimental to your health.

I get wanting to be independent, but what does this mean exactly? Paying more to the household, when there is already enough? Building your own nest egg (running away fund). For me, I need to work FT as I am a single parent, but I also know, from my lovely therapist and the occupational health person I ended up seeing, that my health is a priority, otherwise then I can't do anything for anyone. Does that make sense? Your children are better off with a mother who can work part-time and meet their needs (which you are doing) than one who wishes to prove she is tough as nails. Prove to who?

FWIW, I suspect that this man leaving you and then coming back has left you with a fear that he will do it again; and in the meantime, he has done a number on your self-esteem, but that is reading maybe too much into things - but think about it.

Don't mix up being independent and strong with doing everything, and that is not really a long term recipe for health and wellbeing. Apologies for the long post, but honestly, you don't want to get to the stage where you are mentally and physically exhausted as well as ill; and your husband should not be letting that happen or encouraging it.

[custardmountains2]

Romii - you are spot on with being left once already - it makes me feel insecure and want my own career, once bitten and all that. No MH problems just at the back of the genetic Q thank you for your reply

[custardmountains2]

Even worse I think some people locally think that I trapped him ( cliché ideas) and used his money when nothing could be further from the truth as I had some money from property and family money but that soon ran out when the kids were younger.

[Marilynsbigsister]

OP, are you married. ? It's an important question.

[RomiiRoo]

Ran out how? Towards getting you both settled down as a family before he was well paid, or in paying your 'share' once you were at home more with small DC and there was already an income disparity?

[RomiiRoo]

Marilyn's big sister massively important question. I assumed so. I hope so.

[custardmountains2]

Anyway thanks everyone think I will look to go back full time and just see how I go. if it gets too much I will just go back to part-time.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Strange reply to a direct question OP. I am therefore assuming you are not. If this is so and he isn't willing to do so (why would he now he has children and got them without having to legally share anything with you ?). Anyway, that horse has now bolted so if I were you I would work as much as possible and make contributions to the mortgage. ( that way you can establish a claim in the event of a split) as you are at a huge disadvantage right now as the unmarried partner of a significantly higher earner)

If I have read that wrong, I apologise and please disregard all the above. If you are married, all the assets, savings, property are in the marital pot. There is no his money/ your money. Do not feel obliged to put your health at risk by working more than you feel you can.

[custardmountains2]

I think on another thread someone else said that as soon as there is an imbalance that's when the problems start. What I have realised is on my days off I am spending most of the time doing all the washing cleaning ect that has built up. It would be better and less tiring to work full time and get a cleaner in twice a week.

[RomiiRoo]

It would be better and less tiring to work full time and get a cleaner in twice a week

I think, if this is counted as a household bill, and your husband pays for this, yes. Ditto send your ironing out. In other words, try and get back some of the income inequality this way, if you have separate finances, because he has benefitted from you doing these kind of tasks. Do not take on these costs as yours. I would also suggest that any division of paying for such costs, if he does not pay all, should be proportionate to earnings. Again, he has benefitted from you doing these things in past years.

FWIW, I have weighed up the pros and cons of dropping working hours versus getting in more household help/paying for childcare, and it seems longer term that working FT and getting the household help makes more sense. There have also been times where my office is more peaceful than my home - but there is a risk of imbalance there too (when work becomes your coping mechanism and your identity and source of self-worth; and you are doing more than your health would ideally allow).

That said, I have a child who cannot cope with FT childcare, and my house is small; plus I am a single parent so my earnings are my household budget. My experience with a cleaner was that I found it stressful maintaining a level of tidyness that she could clean; and because of my childcare fees at that point, I could not afford more than one visit per week. I am lucky in that I can work reasonably flexibly; and while I hate disorder, I am working on accepting that a certain level of chaos with small children and a working mother is inevitable. So, it is about finding the best balance for you.

I am sorry, I write long responses. But I was reflecting on your short response last night, and it struck me that maybe it would be a good idea to also post this in general health, and just say that you don't have close family support, but wish to go back to work FT - how to cope with your health conditions. I think here, people are going to comment on the relationship imbalance (which is part of the problem you have set out) as well as the issue of working FT with no support and health problems.

FWIW, I spent my inheritance on childcare when oldest DD was pre-school, so I could do my job; and on extending my maternity leave. I was married at the time. So, there is no judgement in my comments above; I have been the person getting the thin edge of the wedge . Please don't feel you need to respond to any of this post, beyond what you wish to.

[Marilynsbigsister]

So, once again to be clear on the advice we give OP. Are you married to your OH ?

[RomiiRoo]

I think it is clear the OP does not wish to answer, and I think your previous post gives two helpful paths depending on the scenario.

In my experience, anyway, being married did not count for much because the break up was so hostile (he did not accept it) and I was so wrecked that I focused my legal efforts on getting him to leave me alone and on the right contact plan for DC, one of whom was small and with SN. Plus, he used the post-separation horror he created to squirrel away financial assets.

Had we not been married, I am not sure what I would have lost, really - I have still not managed to divorce the man (yet).