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please help me stick it out this time

(12 Posts)
MooningIntoTheAbyss Wed 09-Mar-16 22:31:06

I don't have the strength to explain all that has happened but here I am again.
I want divorce. I need divorce. I need him gone. I WANT him gone.
But I always give in. Cos somehow it is easier then seeing it through.
I know the hardest part will be actually getting him to move out but it IS so hard!

And the stress, the tension. The nastiness that envelopes the household.
My poor DC having to live in this veritable fog of foul moods and egg shells. Never knowing if he is going to play or just be catatonic on the sofa.
One minute he is laughing with Dd, the next a huge HUGE puffing sighing exhale as he shows his distinct exhaustion at the whole fucking world.

I don't even fucking like the guy. He has no redeemable qualities that I can see anymore.

But why can't I stick at it? Somehow he always breaks me before I manage to see it though.
I saw a lawyer a few months ago. Got my info. I know what I need to do but something is stopping me from pushing the big red 'get the fuck out of our lives' button.
And it's probably Dd.
I think she will hate me for taking daddy away. Cos he will tell her I did that.

Please help me. I come across all strong and feminist in life but I'm just a shitty little weak woman being bullied by a shitty wanker of a no good husband.

He is:
Rude (not the worst but I abhor rudeness!)
Passive aggressive
Depressive
Lazy
Financially controlling
Selfish - in many ways
Opinionated whilst not having his own opinion
Controlling
Demanding
Tired - all the time.
Disrespectful
Verbally abusive
Emotionally abusive
Emotionally devoid

There's more but I'm spent

ridemesideways Thu 10-Mar-16 00:25:48

It's not your fault that he is an abusive shit. It would be your fault if your inaction meant that she grew up with such a man in the home - thinking this was normal and to be tolerated. It's never worth it. You can do this.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 10-Mar-16 08:36:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 10-Mar-16 09:07:53

"I think she will hate me for taking daddy away"

Why do you think that?. Have you asked her?

I think she could well go onto as you some very awkward questions (like why did you put him before me) if you stay at all within this, what is she learning about relationships here from the two of you?. She absolutely cannot afford to keep on learning such damaging lessons because those will follow her into her own adult life and relationships. You are showing her that currently at least this is still acceptable to you.

MooningIntoTheAbyss Thu 10-Mar-16 11:19:45

Because she adores him.
She is always always aski when will he come home. She is so excited to see him.
And because he will tell her it is my fault she will think it is my fault and that 'mummy made daddy leave' and she will hate me for it.

I know it's better in the long run. I know that. It's just so hard in the short term. So hard to maintain the conviction and because I am continually told how it's my fault and how if I just behaved differently etc. I'm so unreasonable. IM ripping apart the family it wears you down and it becomes easier to give in and suffer silently for 'the greater good'

I'm pathetic really.

We don't own. We rent and it's in my name. So I could have him removed. But I'm trying not to go down that route as it will just make things nasty. Plus he has literally no where to go. No where at all.

Balders74 Thu 10-Mar-16 12:00:41

How old is your DD Mooning? Your H sounds a lot like my XH, never knowing how he was going to react in any given moment, walking on eggshells all the time etc. It is an awful environment to live it.

I endured it for 15 years and we have to DC and I realised that I really didn't want my DC damaged by this image of a 'normal' relationship.

My DD is 15, such a delicate age and he never got on with her father, he wanted to control her and expected her to behave like an adult from a very young age. No childlike behaviour was tolerated.

Completely different with our DS but even he got the rough end of the stick sometimes.

We are a year on and I can honestly say it is the best thing I have ever done. Like you it took a long time to build up to telling him. I disengaged for a year before I actually told him I wanted out.

I did it the cowardly way and wrote him a letter and left the house for the day. I knew that way he wouldn't be able to try and talk me out of it but by then I was 100% sure I wasn't going to change my mind. He did try to tell me he would change but it was too late.

Your DD needs you to make this happen because living in this environment will damage her idea of a healthy relationship.

Jan45 Thu 10-Mar-16 12:06:52

Please do it, even if for your daughter's sake, what a horrible environment for her to be growing up in, I am sorry but you are compliant if you keep exposing her to this toxic situation.

It's not as hard as you think, you need to change that mind set and lean on your family and friends to give you that support to see it through. Detach from him completely so he can't wear you down again.

Stop playing the victim and take some control, it's your life, he doesn't own you.

Jan45 Thu 10-Mar-16 12:08:06

children adore their parents, even abusive ones so don't kid yourself that you are staying for your daughter.

Jan45 Thu 10-Mar-16 12:11:26

Anyone can rent a room pretty cheap so not buying he has nowhere to go.

You said yourself, it's easier to stay, you will feel great if you follow through, staying will depress you more and ensure your daughter has a warped view of relationships.

MooningIntoTheAbyss Thu 10-Mar-16 12:36:19

She is almost 4.

I know your all right.
He won't rent a room anywhere. He is 40 and sees renting a room as beneath him. He wants a flat of his own.

I know I'm being a bit pathetic and making excuses. I should just have him removed and not give a shit but as our DC are 4 & 18 months I guess I'm hoping to avoid the next 20 years being a constant 'you did this' and constant fighting.

Am removing all important paperwork and going to my mums for a few nights with DC while the full storm dies down.

I do want out. I positively fantasise about how amazing life will be when he is gone!
It just seems so hard to actually push the button and make it so final

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 10-Mar-16 13:12:00

DO IT.

Seriously, stop prevaricating and putting it off and just DO IT.

If you're too weak to do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

It's like anything - it's always scary looking at it, and it's often a bit scary when you're doing it, but by heck when you look back later you'll not only be glad you did it (as will your daughter) but you may well hate yourself for not doing it sooner.

LittleLegs25 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:23:43

Your daughter will not hate you, No matter what poison he puts into her ear your her mummy and she adores you just as much. Explain it to her like a regular grown up would explain things to a 4 year old, not how a vindictive immature "man" would explain things.

You will feel amazing once its actually done, good luck.

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