Stuck in a rut.

[Sonicaid]

My partner and I have known each other 20 years and been together 8. He is 16 years older than me. Neither of us have been married before or had kids.

We have a wonderful relationship, we laugh and joke, and generally get on really well. He works 60 hour plus weeks on the family farm and has a lot on his plate, but he's home every meal time, has never played away or raised a hand to me.

I'm absolutely desperate to have a baby and settle down and get married. He does not. He is very laid back and loving but he will not discuss marriage at all. I think he just doesn't want the fuss, I'm OK with the that, would be happy to just go off and do it but he's adamant he doesn't want to at all.


My biological clock is ticking very loudly at the moment. In the 8 years together we had never discussed having children until the last month or so. Although I've been trying to summon up courage for a couple of years.I told him I wanted a child and he said he was too old. End of conversation. Our relationship is 90% perfect but why won't he discuss big issues with me. We discuss everything else?

He would be a wonderful father and I feel we could offer a very safe secure environment to a child. He is quite happy just to live life, but we only have one and I feel it's going too fast!!

I feel I have 3 years and then that's it no children for me. He refuses to plan anything, I just feel we are plodding through life with no direction and before I know it I'm going to be a very lonely old lady with no family.

The common sense answer is to leave him and find someone else. But how the hell do you do that? I don't want to do it. I want to get married and have babies with him. I don't know why can't even talk about it properly?

[Getit]

Why would you wait 8 years to discuss wether you wanted kids???
Ultimately if he won't talk you will have to issue an ultimatum.

[goddessofsmallthings]

why won't he discuss big issues with me

Have you made it crystal clear that marriage and having dc are big issues for you and that they may turn out to be dealbreakers if he's not willing to discuss them with you?

How old is he and has he been married before?

[HandyWoman]

He won't discuss 'big issues' hmm my guess is it's more than the kid issue.

If it's taken you two years to raise the issue then your relationship has problems, I'm afraid.

He's happy as long as life is plodding along on exactly the way he wants it.

Do you really want to marry and have babies with a man like that? Because it sounds like having dc with him could be quite a gamble.

[Arcadia]

* '*he's home every meal time, has never played away or raised a hand to me.'

You seem to have very low expectations of a relationship. I would not consider faithfulness or non-violence as a positive, rather a base line of what I would expect. You also say he is 'laid back', not necessarily a positive if you want to achieve something together.

[ChildlessAndOK]

Dear OP I feel for u. My DP refuses point blank to have a child with me - he says due to my health issues (physical that impact mentally). Doesn't matter how much I can justify and how obvious it is (to me!) that people have children under millions of potential complications. I accept that I will likely not be a mum. It puts u in an awkward position because it's not just the child, is it? It's the family with that person. I'm sorry I can't advise, just empathise. Greatly.
Warmest thoughts xx

[LionHearty]

He has communicated what he wants. Or more to the point what he does want.

What you need to decide is whether you wish to accept no kids and no marriage to be with him. That is the price for this relationship, do you want to pay it?

[LionHearty]

not want

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

OP, he's told you very clearly. He doesn't want children. You say he's 16 years older - be helpful to know just how old you both are.

It doesn't matter that YOU think he would be a wonderful father if he has no desire to be a parent. He's not wrong, you're not wrong. You're just not compatible going forward, if your desire for a child is this strong. I'm afraid, the options are:

a) accept you won't ever have children and stay with this man
b) leave this relationship and have a baby by sperm donor
c) leave this relationship and hope you meet someone else within the next few years who will, relatively quickly, want to start a family

Unfortunately, it's a bit hard to "discuss" this subject when one partner doesn't want children. It's not like "where shall we go on holiday".