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Life after a horrendous experience?

(19 Posts)
dilys4trevor Sun 14-Feb-16 08:09:47

My husband killed himself a month ago after I had discovered an affair at our shared place of work. I'd kicked him out, he was potentially going to lose his job because of it and his drinking and other areas of his behaviour had made me worried to leave the children with him overnight. He spent a week in the wilderness begging me to take him back and fretting about his job and then jumped in front of a tube train.

Anyway, it's awful and I am feeling very low. I will be going back to work in a couple of months and feel like my career is in tatters (I had been running the company and he had also been senior; this girl was a junior there who I scarcely knew. She's gone but I am still struggling with the concept of going back). I also worry how I will cope with three under 7 alone and I'm devastated he could have done this - any of it - to me and them.

I had been mentally preparing for single life for a lot of last year as it had been obvious that our marriage was floundering so to be honest, I feel like I'd like to meet someone else in the not too distant. The reason I am posting here (and not in 'Bereavement') is because I want to believe this isn't 'it' for me. That I could meet someone else (even with my three children) and that I could be happy again. I'm sitting there in tears at the bleakness of it all at the moment and could do with hearing some uplifting stories of single people with lots of kids finding happiness again. I am 40 years old and my kids are 18 months, 5 and 7.

Patheticfallacy Sun 14-Feb-16 08:16:21

I'm so so sorry. That sounds so painful and difficult. You can be happy again and having three children doesn't mean you can't meet someone in the future when you are ready. I am 35 with 3 children and have met someone after my divorce. He has a child and the children get on well together. It's all very recent for you and you must be in shock. Make sure you give yourself the time you need. It definitely isn't it for you x

MakeItRain Sun 14-Feb-16 08:22:34

You absolutely can meet someone else in the future. But you and your children need time to grieve and adjust first. You've been through an appalling time. I hope you have lots of friends and family supporting you. flowers

bb888 Sun 14-Feb-16 08:42:59

This isn't it! But it will take time, regardless of your feelings before you have had a horrendous experience to get through, and to get your children through now, and that in itself will be very traumatic to process. Give yourself time to heal flowers

kittybiscuits Sun 14-Feb-16 08:43:57

It's such early days and you've been through such traumatic events. I think it's a positive sign that you're wondering what the future will bring, even if it worries you. Have you got people to talk to in real life? Someone neutral who is not so affected by the death of your husband? I can't imagine the complex feelings you must be going through. Give yourself time. You have a lot of life still to live and room for lots of happiness in the future flowers

bb888 Sun 14-Feb-16 08:44:19

Even if this had just been you and your husband separating you would have been very shaken by it and needed time to re-evaluate everything. This has to be harder then that. Maybe consider not thinking about a new relationship right now but setting a little goal for when you will e.g. for me, following a marital separation at my instigation so very different from yours, I decided not to think about another relationship until I could go a week without crying.
One thing that I realised is that I need to be emotionally strong again before I go looking for anyone else, as if I was vulnerable then I might attract the wrong person for me.

Penfold007 Sun 14-Feb-16 10:01:26

Your a young woman with a young family and a long future. Give yourself and the children time to heal and process the enormity of what has happened.
I remember from your previous posts that your late husband's affair and suicide has impacted negatively on your professional reputation. You may need to focus on your job for a while, a secure financial future will make caring for three children easier.
Could you afford a nanny or au pair to help you cope practically?

dilys4trevor Sun 14-Feb-16 10:13:56

Penfold yes you are right, this is a worry for me. I suspect that everyone will largely feel so bad for me that it won't affect career in any material way, but it will affect my ability to be seen as a figure of authority. I've always felt that as the 'boss' you need to be seen to be above the shit of life but obviously no one is immune. It will 100% follow me about for a while, if not forever, career wise. Thanks for that as well, H.

I have a brilliant nanny and she has agreed to live in a few days a week. I am hoping it works out for her as I'd like her to live in absolutely (although haven't asked as she seems willing not but overly enthused at the thought of a couple of days). I also have lots of friends helping me.

The post about needing to be a good place and not vulnerable has really hit home. You're right and it will attract the wrong sort. I've no intention of joining any dating sites or anything like that but am thinking I might just be open to meeting someone if it happens (unlikely in reality anyway right now).

I am also very much still processing it all. The 'how the fuck could he DO this?' thought comes back several times a day. I didn't know him at all in reality and he was a very casual and frequent liar and manipulator. I had no idea and genuinely believed our relationship issues were all my fault, just as he said they were.

Offred Sun 14-Feb-16 10:42:39

I have four kids and have never had a problem with dating.

I met my xh when I had two kids, had twins and have been with my current BF four three years.

bandmum Sun 14-Feb-16 10:48:54

I have a friend whose exh left her with 6 kids between the ages of 8 years and 9 months. After a very tough 2 years she started dating. Her first serious relationship didn't end well as the man struggled with being step dad to 6! However soon after she met her now dh and he has been amazing. He had never been married and had no dcs of his own but simply stepped up to the mark. So there are wonderful men out there who will be happy to commit to a woman with 3 children. But first as pps have said give yourself time to process the terrible events of the past few months.

dilys4trevor Sun 14-Feb-16 10:49:09

offred that makes me feel better! I think after the experience of last year I also have some confidence/self belief issues I never had before

dilys4trevor Sun 14-Feb-16 11:04:12

Bandmum, I had been thinking I might be looking at at least a year or two. That's a great story. I like the idea someone had above of setting myself a target: if I can go such and such amount of time without crying then it might be time. I do need to get the work situation sorted out too

Tiddd Sun 14-Feb-16 19:29:31

poster dilys4trevorposter dilys4trevor You are running the company because of who you are and no other reason. Whilst on a personal level you are in a different place at the moment you are still the same brilliant leader. So think about getting back to work and developing the new flow of life for you and your lovely children and then who knows who might walk round the corner when you are least expecting it smile

dilys4trevor Sun 14-Feb-16 21:41:26

Thank you Tiddd. I started today feeling low and ended it feeling much better (had a nice day at a good friend's house with the kids).

Your post makes me feel more confident about work. You're right. I got that job because of me and nothing about me has changed. He had slowly picked at my work confidence over the last year (he had been senior too but slightly less so than me by the end of the year and on less money, lower bonus). When I had gotten the promotion to MD he had barely acknowledged it and avoided the all staff announcement when I could have obviously used his support. I had had to leave the celebratory drinks to get home for the kids (this was invariably my job) whilst he went out, but he had later said lots of people hadn't gone to the promotion drinks and gone to the pub instead because 'no-one cares about people in their forties getting promoted' (he was 36 and never missed an opportunity to remind me I was four years older). He also hit the roof when I got double the bonus he did and asked if i really thought I was twice as good as him.

Sorry for the all the detail, but thinking about all that makes me think that in some ways, going back to work without his glowering presence could be a huge relief. God I read back over that and realise what an arsehole he was/had become, dead or not.

Still, it's obvious even to me that I am still very hurt and upset over what happened so I definitely won't be selecting my Tinder profile pic any time soon (hope I've got the right one - I always get Tinder and Grinder mixed up).

Tiddd Mon 15-Feb-16 20:55:17

As long as you don't start using snapchat you will be fine smile perhaps focus on your LinkedIn profile for the time being - you are brave, strong and getting through half term, a challenge even for those of us who haven't been through what you have.

Maybe think about a coach when you get back to work or a mentor from a different business. You made it to MD for a good reason - don't forget it.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 15-Feb-16 22:00:22

I'm sorry to say that the vultures will already be circling you'll attract attention from unscrupulous males intent on exploiting comforting a newly bereaved widow who, in their opnion, is gagging for it sufficiently vulnerable to be easy pickings.

After all that's taken place it wouldn't be surprising if your personal judgement has been skewed while your business acumen remains intact. For this reason I would strongly urge you not to consider dating in any capacity other than a +1 at those social events you must necessarily attend for at least 2 years as you and your dc need time to come to terms with your new normal.

Professinally speaking, such is the way of the world that your late h will rapidly become a distant memory warranting one sentence, if that, when your name is mentioned and, if anything, your 'survival' of events that would decimate most can only add more kudos to your reputation.

This very definitely isn't 'it' for you, but extreme caution is adivsed until you have fully recovered your equilibirum as desperation may cause you to prematurely seek out a man to 'validate' you, rather than wait for one who will enhance your life in immeasurable ways. It should be noted that it can take considerable discernment to distinguish one from the other and you may need to hone this particular skill before dipping your toe into the dating pool.

Onwards and upwards! To the victor the spoils and you deserve to be victorious over the adversity you have endured. flowers

CallieTorres Mon 15-Feb-16 22:04:04

Wow, this is all so new for you, and of course it's going to look bleak.

I don't have any words of wisdom, but there is someone out there for you, just have patience x

Anomaly Mon 15-Feb-16 22:36:00

My parents were friends with a couple who went on to have four children. Tragically he was killed in an accident while they were all still young, I think eldest was around 10. I remember attending their mother's wedding to a lovely man a few years later. That must be nearly 30 years ago now and they are still a happy couple, children are all grown up, married and have families of their own.

You'll not be alone forever but I agree with others I wouldn't rush it. You need time to grieve for you husband, grieve for the life you were planning and no doubt supporting your children through their grief. You will get there.

OooLookShoes Mon 15-Feb-16 22:57:15

Professinally speaking, such is the way of the world that your late h will rapidly become a distant memory warranting one sentence, if that, when your name is mentioned and, if anything, your 'survival' of events that would decimate most can only add more kudos to your reputation

This with nobs on.
I can relate to that.

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