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It starts early

(17 Posts)
withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 04-Feb-16 06:07:20

DD's in the last year of primary school. The subject of 'boyfriends' and girlfriends' has arisen. I'm not overjoyed, but can see that it will happen whether I like it or not, but see that it's also a good opportunity to begin to talk about relationships in an age appropriate way.

Anyway, this is the second time DD has been 'asked out'. The first time a girl in her class decided she liked the boy who liked my DD so she pursued him and now goes out with him. DD not really bothered.

Anyway, DD gets 'asked out' again by another boy. This boy is very sweet and calls round to check if DD is OK if she's off sick and he invited her to walk their dog (with his parents and baby brother over Christmas). It's all very sweet.

Anyway, the girl in her class has decided she likes this boy now and has set her sights on him. Luckily DD is laughing it off. It makes me wonder what kind of woman she'll grow into, though.

Incidentally, this girl has done this for the last couple of years to DD with female friendships, too. Anyone DD gets close to, this girl wades right in and it follows the above pattern.

DD and I have talked about it (she's mostly upset about losing the female friends). It's difficult to know how to handle it.

Has anyone else's DC's gone through something similar and how did it work out?

Slowdecrease Thu 04-Feb-16 16:33:13

The best advice I can give you about DD/girls in general is this universal truth: they are all, yes, you're included, as bad as each other. Sometimes your DD will be on the end of mean girl behaviour, sometimes she will be the perpertrator. They are all hormonal maniacs. Unless you have a particularly large excess of spare time to emerge yourself fully in the politics of pre-teen/teenage girl ishoos I suggest for the sake of your sanity you switch off to all of it unless there is any real threat of serious bullying etc. You know it makes senses. You will waste so much emotion on this, much more than your DD will,,in fact if you give undue weight to it you will exacerbate it. Girls are little horrors, even your own.

DrMorbius Thu 04-Feb-16 16:44:13

They are all hormonal maniacs

sits down in my football/movie room, gets a beer and some crisps, ready for the flaminge to start
I know know how these people who went along to watch hangings felt grin smile

Slowdecrease Thu 04-Feb-16 17:12:29

Am I wrong though grin

Slowdecrease Thu 04-Feb-16 17:15:16

I have a 13 y o DD who has been in the same group of four girls since age two. They all fall out and fall in again week in week out...it usesd to be about my little pony now it's about the lastest one direction clone from school on snapchat. Meh.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 04-Feb-16 17:51:33

I totally agree with you. DD is perfectly capable of being a beast as are we all (though I do my best not to). This particular girl has something of a reputation for being unkind - she's been instrumental in bullying DD in the past (witnessed by members of staff) and actually pushed DD over a bar at school resulting in my DD getting a cut and bruised face. She denied it despite many witnesses. School did nothing.

I think the issue is, I don't want my DD to be an arsehole as she grows up and I was hoping for some advice. I realise I can't really control other people's children or have any bearing on how they're raised, but I would at least like to raise a child who didn't think behaving like this was OK. Maybe I posted in the wrong place?

Slowdecrease Thu 04-Feb-16 17:57:54

I think the best way to teach them not to be arseholes is to point out 1/ when people behave nastily it's more a reflection of how they're feeling about themselves and not about their target so try to rise above/back away from it as they didn't cause it so nothing they do can solve it and 2/ when they are being treated nastily to take a moment to really take in the feelings of that and to make sure they don't inflict it on someone else . Girls has hideously short memories about these things though grin

MiniTheMinx Thu 04-Feb-16 17:58:47

If your DD is laughing it off, I think she will grow up to be quite rational and grounded. I don't think you should be concerned.

TheNaze73 Thu 04-Feb-16 18:19:35

All part of the growing up process I think. She seems to be handling it well & sounds like a real credit to you

offside Thu 04-Feb-16 19:14:02

I agree with mini, I don't understand the concern if your DD isn't the remotely bit bothered. I actually think that's quite mature and the best way to deal with the kind of people you're describing.

I would be more concerned if my DD was coming home incredibly upset and distressed by it. But she obviously doesn't care enough to let it concern her. Kudos to her.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 04-Feb-16 21:34:11

The only reason she's so sorted is because her Dad is so great. I get irritated, he's really rational.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Fri 05-Feb-16 09:56:34

Offside you're right; it's less of an issue and more of an observation. There are threads here full of how some women feel entitled to help themselves to other women's husbands and a real lack of 'sisterhood'. I was mostly remarking on how early it all starts and I wondered if anyone else had had experience of it. That's all really.

Slowdecrease Fri 05-Feb-16 10:04:09

Help themselves to other woman's husbands?? No, it's the husbands making it obvious they are there for the taking otherwise the other women wouldn't get a look in. What you are talking about here is completely normal adolescent behaviour, in all its unpleasant glory. Please don't draw any correlation between developing children /pre teens and adults who have affairs. You are way over thinking it I think.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Fri 05-Feb-16 10:46:49

Given what I know about this girl and her family, I think my last comment was pretty fair, actually.

Slowdecrease Fri 05-Feb-16 10:57:47

Well then given your obvious thoughts about that child and her family its to be hoped that your dd and this girl don't become really good friends as that would be awkward wouldn't it. Note: that's usually how it goes as time goes on.... They fall in and out in and out. I daresay as your DD is so chilled around this other girl they're actually quite pally. Again, you're over invested,particularly bringing this childs family into it and your knowledge (perception) of them. That's my thoughts anyway.

eyebrowse Fri 05-Feb-16 10:58:19

Hopefully your dd and other girl will be separated at secondary. If they are going to go to the same school you can normally have a quiet word with the head and request they are put in different classes.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Fri 05-Feb-16 13:51:48

They have history. They were friends for a time and this girl did a whole load of really horrible things to her when she decided she no longer wanted to be her friend any more. And it's still ongoing. You have no idea, obviously, of what has gone on but there has been some seriously horrible stuff. But feel free to give your opinion - I'm not sure I am overly-invested in it, but if I am, maybe I have good reason? It does look as if they will be separated at High School (where, no doubt, someone else will come along to do the same).

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