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Separating from my husband

(38 Posts)
GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:22:58

NC.

H and I have been having problems for about 4 years. We almost split 2 years ago, instigated by me, but I agreed for us to stay together. We have had counselling within that time, and although that did improve our day to day functioning and reduce my anger and resentment towards him, I have known for a long time that I don't love him.

I told him last week that I don't have any feelings towards him anymore, and that I want to end our marriage. He is very, very angry with me. This is not what he wants, despite admitting that he is unhappy too and knowing that I am, but he wants to stay together for our 3 children.

He says that us breaking up is wrong. He doesn't hear me or understand that I don't love him. That for me, staying together and spending evenings making excuses trying to avoid him, is wrong. That both of us being miserable and in turn keeping the children in this toxic environment, is wrong.

I am certain that ending the relationship is the right thing to do. For me, in both the immediate and the future. For the future happiness of our children. And ultimately I do think he will be happier in the long term, despite him not believing this now.

But he is insistent that I am wrong in wanting to end the relationship. He is refusing to move out of the house, telling me that because it is me choosing to end the relationship it should be me leaving, and that I cannot take the children with me. I know that legally he doesn't have any right to say/do that, but I want to try and make this as easy as possible for the children, and I don't know how to do that when he is so insistent that breaking up is not the right thing to do.

We have a house together that we would need to sell, but I don't know how we can continue living together when things are currently worse than ever with him either crying all the time or telling me I am ruining his life. I can afford to rent a house and take the kids with me, but I want him to continue to see them and I don't think it would be fair on them to go "home" to spend time with him.

Please help.

Funinthesun15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:28:44

He is refusing to move out of the house

In a way he is actually correct in that unless he is abusive or you are, if he seemed legal advice, it would usually be for him to stay in the house until divorce and finances are sorted.

Legally no he doesn't have the 'right' to stop you taking the DC but nor do you have the 'right' to take them either. You are both their parents.

Funinthesun15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:29:45

*seeked not seemed

juneau Thu 28-Jan-16 16:36:26

OP you need legal advice immediately. You know you want to divorce, you tried to start the process two years ago, but your H persuaded you to give it one more try. You tried, it didn't work. You need to get the ball rolling or this will drag on forever. Please, book at appointment with a solicitor and start the process. Your H is blackmailing you. Don't let him. Have the courage of your convictions! You can divorce him without his permission, you know.

ivykaty44 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:38:40

He can stay in the house and he can ask for shared access for the dc, so they spend half the time with him.

You can choose to leave and you can set up a new life but you don't have a tight to make the dc move out of their home.

Why do you say the marital home needs to be sold now? If it isn't more than four bed it could be said any sale must wait until the youngest is 18 - otherwise where are the dc going to live?

Nottodaythankyouorever Thu 28-Jan-16 16:39:29

I think some of it is because he 'isn't on the same page' as you.

You made up your mind you wanted to separate and told him. He still wants to work on thinks. It maybe a case of getting his head around it.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:39:38

Do most people really continue living together until a divorce and finances are sorted?! That just seems such a long time of continuing to be miserable. But I understand that things would need to be sorted such as custody of the children, as you rightly point out that we are both their parents.

Shutthatdoor Thu 28-Jan-16 16:41:03

Do most people really continue living together until a divorce and finances are sorted?!

Yes they do.

Balders74 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:41:08

I was in a similar situation this time last year. My relationship with STBXH was toxic and we were all unhappy. It is not a good environment to bring up children. When I told him it was over he was shocked and surprised, didn't see it coming! He told me I was making a mistake and that he didn't want to lose his children etc. He was not working so he couldn't move out and it took 3 looooong months for him to finally move out.

Those 3 months were awful but he did finally move out, when I made it clear that I wasn't going to change my mind. I stopped behaving like a wife i.e. stopped cooking, washing his clothes, didn't sleep in the same bed (I shared a bed with my 15yo DD for 3 months).

A year later and the divorce is due to be finalised in the next month and we are all so much happier. Things are amicable on the surface with STBXH although he is still being difficult about the house.

If you are adamant that this is what you want then stick to your guns. If he can afford to support your marital home on his own then go and rent a house for you and the DC. They will adjust to the change if it means you are both happier in the long run.

I would recommend getting some legal advice about the DC and the house etc.

Keep posting, most of us are supportive and will be a shoulder should you need one flowers

Funinthesun15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:42:21

Do most people really continue living together until a divorce and finances are sorted?!

Yes many many do.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:44:36

Ivykaty - I suppose in my head, if he stays in the house and I move out, it would seem so much more disruptive to the children to visit him in what used to be their family home. Unless he significantly changes his work patterns, he wouldn't be able to have them for half of the time as he works long hours and I am part time.

Nottoday - yes I agree we aren't on the same page at all. And I do think he needs time to get his head around this. But at the same time, the longer I leave things the more he thinks I am/will change my mind and will continue to live like this. I don't know how much time to give him really.

Balders74 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:45:42

I'm sorry Shutthatdoor but that is rubbish in my experience. It can take up to a year for a divorce to be granted and there is no way that people live together while that happens.

OP get some legal advice ASAP. As their Mother and (probable) main carer you are entitled to stay in the house until the youngest is 18, however you could move into a rented property and take the DC with you and set up visitation with their father.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:46:41

Balders, thank you so much for your post. I am sorry that you have been through something similar, but it is wonderful to hear that you have come out the other side and things are better for you. I will contact my solicitor again and get some more advice from him about the specifics of the situation. My husband is adamant he won't move out.

Duckdeamon Thu 28-Jan-16 16:50:34

why did you assume he'd make it easy / give you what you want with respect to custody of the DC and housing?

You need a short-term plan, some legal advice and perhaps counselling or mediation about handling the break up to help the DC.

Shutthatdoor Thu 28-Jan-16 16:50:53

I'm sorry Shutthatdoor but that is rubbish in my experience. It can take up to a year for a divorce to be granted and there is no way that people live together while that happens

Yes they do. I did. My DH did. Look at places like wikivorce it is talked about all them time.

My neighbours currently are as is my best friend and her stbx.

Balders74 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:51:40

So was mine but it became clear that I wasn't going to change my mind and the situation was making the DC very unhappy. He eventually moved out on Mother's Day last year (How ironic!).

Things are so much better. The DC and I laugh, spend time together in the same room (no more hiding in their rooms), we argue (in a healthy way) and things are 100% better.

My STBXH cried about losing his DC but now a year later he has our DS every other weekend and doesn't contact either of them in between times. DD has decided she doesn't want to spend time with him. They will say anything to make you feel sorry for them and potentially change your mind. Stay strong, it will be so worth it in the end.

Bubblesinthesummer Thu 28-Jan-16 16:53:20

you are entitled to stay in the house until the youngest is 18

Not necessarily true. It maybe that it is best for it to be sold for example.

It isn't as simple as 'you are entitled to stay as you are the main carer'.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 16:53:56

Duckdeamon - I didn't imagine he would make it easy, I was hopeful he might put the welfare and happiness of our children first.

Balders - I don't doubt he is genuinely very upset, but I have made up my mind and I am not going to change it. I just need the strength and courage to keep going now.

Duckdeamon Thu 28-Jan-16 17:08:03

But that's still saying that you assumed he'd move out of the family home and go along with your plans: if he's going to be your ex for good reasons, that was an unlikely scenario, and it'd be sensible to plan on the basis that will disagree with some or all your plans.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 17:28:23

I am not sure I had any expectations at all really. Of course from my point of view it is easier if he moves out but am under no illusion that it is my right to ask him to do so. It's our house. I know he doesn't have to. I'll take on board planning on the basis he will disagree with everything I suggest, that's probably a very pragmatic approach.

Cabrinha Thu 28-Jan-16 17:34:57

You legal advice of course.
I have some sympathy with him that you want to end it, and he's expected to move out.
There may be good practical reasons for that - but not necessarily.

Just on the kids going back to their old house... Have you thought about it that actually it might make it easier for them? It will feel more like home than suddenly 'visiting' dad in a new place.

I don't like 'visiting' btw - his home will also be their home.

I let my ex stay in the marital home (delayed him having to buy me out) because I didn't want us to sell up as I thought the continuity of gaining one new home not two was better for our child.

It hasn't been an issue for her at all, going to her dad's when it's the place we all used to live in.

If he's able to buy you out, don't rule out letting him stay there.

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 17:49:17

Cabrinha - do you mind me asking how old your daughter is?

GoldenOrb Thu 28-Jan-16 18:17:54

I also don't know whether to try and explain to him why I am ending the relationship, even though I have tried already, or accept that he isn't ever going to understand it and just move forwards.

kittybiscuits Thu 28-Jan-16 18:24:25

There is no moral high ground attached to assuming the ostrich position. Where does what's best for the children fit in his world? Oh he wants to purposely bring them up in a relationship with no love between the parents. There is a huge back story here, I'm sure!

ohdearymeee Thu 28-Jan-16 18:56:07

I went through something similar last year, my stbxh wouldn't move out (friends and his family told him not to. I've out!) and my winter last year was hell as I spent most of my free time after putting kids to be in my room. Stbxh seemed to think I would snap out of it, but after 3 months of living in same house but seperate I found a rental house and me and kids moved out, it felt such a relief! House was sold and assets split. Kids were upset but adjusted to new life and saw him regularly.

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