Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I got shafted

(11 Posts)
munkynutts Wed 27-Jan-16 09:30:04

Thank you so much MN for all the advice you've given me, under this name and others.

It probably won't come as a surprise to hear that I got betrayed by the guy I was seeing. The writing was on the wall from the beginning as you all pointed out. I chose not to read it.

I've mourned the passing of it (although more the fantasy than the actual reality of him) and I feel fine. I feel much less upset than I expected. The one problem I am having though is a desire for revenge. I feel angry. All of the break up advice is about getting yourself out the house and keeping busy etc to move on from the sadness and sense of loss. But I've done that already and in that respect I'm doing well. I need some advice on how to deal with the rage that sometimes rises. The sense of injustice and fury at how he can be allowed to get away with it time after time. Any tips?

I've learnt a hell of a lot btw - I won't let this happen to me again!

Bogeyface Wed 27-Jan-16 09:35:28

Is the anger really all for him or are you angry at yourself for being taken in? For, in your own words, choosing not to read the advice you were given?

Often when we feel like this it is because we feel stupid that we allowed ourselves to in a situation that we could have avoided.

The injustice of men like that getting away with treating people like shit over and over is terrible, but what would you realistically gain from any sort of revenge? You would just play right into his hands by acting as some sort of bitter twisted ex who cant get over him, assholes like that love a bit of drama as it boosts their egos.

Arfarfanarf Wed 27-Jan-16 09:45:38

Wise words, bogey

ravenmum Wed 27-Jan-16 09:48:18

Best revenge: have a good life and forget him quickly.

munkynutts Wed 27-Jan-16 09:48:54

You're spot on bogey. I'm angry at having played the fool. And I know he'd be the type to absolutely love any sign that he had affected me. That's why I'm not going to act in any way. I'm just struggling with how angry and resentful I feel.

TempusEedjit Wed 27-Jan-16 09:51:27

Have you heard the saying "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". He gets away with it time after time because you and no doubt others before you saw the signs but chose to ignore them. That's not me having a go at you, but you took a calculated risk that worked for you at the time. Others will do the same and it's their lookout, not yours.

Get "revenge" by living your life well. I could take a guess who out of the two of you is more likely to be happy and settled in the future!

Bogeyface Wed 27-Jan-16 09:53:37

You are bound to feel angry and resentful, its a rare person who hasnt been taken for a fool at one point or another and it does take a while to get over.

But remember, a mistake is only a mistake if you dont learn from it, because a mistake you learn from becomes experience.

If you learn from this that you are worth more than a chancer like him, then it was worth it wasnt it? Sometimes we have to get hurt to realise that we can be hurt, and put boundaries in place so that we are not hurt again.

donajimena Wed 27-Jan-16 15:19:56

munky I was livid and bitter when I was taken for a fool. I didn't take revenge but I was desperate to. I just couldn't think of anything effective!
Upshot is that I moved on eventually into a stable happy relationship while ex is making up/breaking up with OW.
Unfortunately when I was where you are I couldn't have forseen that happening.
Accept that you are entitled to have these feelings don't act on them and they will actually lessen over time.
Now I think of my ex and smile because he's in a shitty shit relationship and I'm not and thats revenge enough

donajimena Wed 27-Jan-16 15:22:09

Oh I must add that by the time I met my new partner I wasn't angry and upset anymore. The passing of time did that and I was enjoying new hobbies and new friends. I know its not always simple to meet someone else who sets you a flutter!

jillyarmeen16 Wed 27-Jan-16 17:57:30

I'm in the same boat. Kicking myself for not reading the signs I've been done over just like the last woman.
I plot revenge daily. I think of ways to get him sacked. Still might do it. But I don't want to be bitter.

torontonian Wed 27-Jan-16 20:51:41

Revenge: I haven't taken care of myself (physically) since my first was born. Now, if I go out I try to dress nicely (still don't have time for makeup but I will ;)). We are still living under the same roof so that tells him two things:
1) you lost the best me (not just me in pj's lol)
2) I make the effort for others that I didn't for you because you should have appreciated me at my worst hair day too

That is my revenge. The other thing I feel proud of is I went to the museum with the kids last weekend and for the first time I didn't think for a second about him while I was out.
And certainly indifference is the best revenge. He might not give a shit about it but neither do you. Blowing someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine any brighter.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now