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Coping with this after an abusive experience

(21 Posts)
SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 14:47:40

I have been involved with someone whom I suspect was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, etc.

Most signs were everything was about him in the end, his tiredness, his stress, his job, his needs, his moods.

He did some very cruel things to me.

When I finally called him out on what he did, he minimised, deflected, stonewalled, & made me feel bad for raising things that upset me to the extent where I apologised to him. I caught him cheating and he made me feel sorry for him.

Now we're not together he moved on at lightening speed. All friendly on Facebook with the new one and all her friends and his friends.

I actually feel sick that it seems like he got on with life straight away and rode off happily into the sunset and isliving the high life.

Im almost obsessing over the fact that I was the only one he will treat this way and i was therefore deserving of it. I almost have to know if this poor treatment will come out again in his new relationship.

Did anyone else feel this way?

Mrskeats Tue 26-Jan-16 14:53:09

You won't be the only one he treats this way believe me and you didn't deserve it.
Be sorry for her as its only a matter of time before she gets treated the same way.
Concentrate on your life and what makes you happy- you have had a lucky escape
Voice of bitter experience
My ex was the same and he has been the same in every relationship
Know that you are worth more

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 15:00:44

I already know he's cheated on gfs before me. But it's really fucked me up as I'm still blaming myself.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 26-Jan-16 15:17:52

You KNOW it's HIM and certainly NOT YOU!
You KNOW this!
So stop torturing yourself.
He's done it to others in the past and he will keep doing it.
So wash your hands of him from this point onward.

Give Womens Aid a call and enrol to do their Freedom Programme.
This will help with lots of aspects for you. Self Esteem, being assertive, spotting red flags, setting boundaries.
Please do it. It will be such a massive help for you.

You deserve the best. Not his piece of cheating of scum!

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 15:28:30

On the one hand I do accept that it is ludicrous to think that his behaviour was only brought out by me.

On the other I keep thinking he is treating his new gf like a princess and I wasn't deserving of him.

I am so sick of feeling this way. I guess abusers never change.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-Jan-16 15:36:15

He must have treated you well at the beginning though - otherwise you'd never have entered a relationship with him, right? But the mask slipped and you began to see his true nature.

The same thing will happen in all his relationships. He will start off being the charming, thoughtful, romantic heartthrob, and end up being a horrible bullying manipulative wanker.

He is probably still in charmer mode now.

It sounds like you are torturing yourself a bit with watchig him on FB. Can you block him (not just unfriend, actually block) so that you're not being constantly reminded of your experience?

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 15:40:24

He wasn't all that nice at the beginning tbh. He did a couple of suspect things then. But even so on the whole he was sensitive and gentle.

If you'd told me then what he was capable of I wouldn't have believed it.

We weren't friends on Facebook and I went so mad with him he blocked me so I cant even see his profile page. But i can see on his friends pages...they're all friending her and her friends too. I didn't even get that.

pocketsaviour Tue 26-Jan-16 15:48:16

Why are you on his friends' pages though? I would block the lot of them TBH! Put your emotional health first and cut negative influences out of your mind. You deserve better than to be giving them any headspace!

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 15:50:48

I know....I will.

So it's not just me then? It's him.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 26-Jan-16 16:12:28

So it's not just me then?
There's not JUST anything.
It's not YOU - full stop.
It's HIM, all HIM.
This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and him being a cheating, knob-head.

Freedom Programme - sign up quick and get it done!
You'll see all you need to know about him when you do the course.

Mrskeats Tue 26-Jan-16 17:16:57

Facebook is full of crap anyway people basically showing off; it doesn't reflect the truth
Block him and don't be tempted to snoop around on social media no good can come if it.
He will soon revert to being a knob with the new one; leopards rarely change their spots. He's a cheater and why would any sensible woman want to be with someone like that?

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 17:55:29

I know that logically and once you're in your mid 30's you cant blame it on youthful inexperience anymore. How long will it take for the feeling that it is all my fault and I should have tried harder last?

Hissy Tue 26-Jan-16 18:21:19

He is only with people because he needs the feed they give him to fill that gaping void where a human being should be. They only care about outward appearances, and he hasn't got the balls to be single for a bit. You dodged a bullet, defriend, block and pity the poor woman he's deluding now

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 18:36:47

They only care about outward appearances, and he hasn't got the balls to be single for a bit.

That just made my blood run cold. He actually said to me he doesnt like being single. I do wonder if if he overlapped us.

Mrskeats Tue 26-Jan-16 18:44:46

I took till I was 49 to get it right so stop beating yourself up
Men like that need the validation of being with someone.
If he did overlap then it just adds to the reasons you should be glad to be rid of him

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 18:58:32

He didnt need the validation of being with me though anymore. I got discarded.

Had I outlived my usefulness?

jazzyg Tue 26-Jan-16 19:02:38

You need to stop torturing yourself about who he's with now, and if he cheated etc. What you need to realise is that you are the lucky one, not his latest gf. She is with a massive twat and is just the latest in a line of women he has and will treat exactly the same, he won't change. Please don't dwell on the social media stuff, people like to play the whole "isn't my life wonderful" on it, when often the reality is completely different. He's done you a massive favour in ending it, and now some other poor woman has to put up with his crap, and one day soon you will thank your lucky stars it's not you. Big hugs x

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 19:16:47

A year ago today we were having a wonderful date. he was utterly wonderful. Loving, caring, supportive, passionate. I thought he gave a shit. Now a few short moths later I got a rude awakening.

jazzyg Tue 26-Jan-16 19:46:01

The man you fell for doesn't exist hun - he puts on this mask of being "loving, caring, supportive, passionate" which he is obviously very good at for a while but that's not the real him as that decent behaviour doesn't last (and his latest woman will eventually get the same bad treatment). The real him is this awful man who treats women badly. He's not worth your energy or thoughts. I know you feel like crap at the moment but it's that old chestnut of time heals. You will come through it.

SoThatHappened Tue 26-Jan-16 19:49:07

I know. he did and a few months later he was very cruel to me on a night a his place and was so dismissive as he dumped me. sad

jazzyg Tue 26-Jan-16 20:17:56

There is no excuse for how he treated you, you can't reason it - he is just a nasty self centred individual who you are well rid of. Visualise putting him and these bad memories in a cardboard box and sealing it up! Always helps.

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