Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can you please share your experiences of having a successful relationship with someone who doesn't want children?

(24 Posts)
FrazzleRock Sat 09-Jan-16 11:24:25

Morning!

I need a slap as I'm having a bit of a wobble.
I met my wonderful DP seven months ago and we have been inseperable ever since. We are so utterly compatible and are so in love (quick I know). We understand eachother, we are open and honest about everything, and we are incredibly similar.
The bonus is he gets on tremendously well with my two DS's (6 and 10yrs) and is more than willing to help and support me in any way he can. I don't think I have ever felt so connected with anyone my entire life (including ex-H)

I have one issue however, he does not want children of his own.

Now my backstory is, I was with my ex-husband for nearly ten years. I have issues conceiving (PCOS) so am terribly terribly lucky to have the boys. In ten years these were my only pregnancies, despite not using any birth control.

I am 37 years old and have such a strong desire to have another child one day with the man I love. In my heart I can think of nothing more amazing than creating a little life one day with DP (romanticising I know). Even if he were to change his mind (highly highly unlikely), we would need to plan well in advance as I need to take fertility drugs and have tests etc. I feel time is not on my side as even if he did change his mind, I wouldn't want to think about it for a couple of years. I'll be 39 then, plus at least a year or two TTC...

I know I need to snap out of it as he's always made it clear he does not want his own children. Plus I have two wonderful DS's already who I am very lucky to have.

My question is, did you get over it? Or will this eat away at me and eventually make me bitter and resentful?

I think only I will ever know, but if you've experienced this and it worked out well, then I'd love to hear from you!

FrazzleRock Sat 09-Jan-16 13:41:39

I guess there is nothing to say really...
Maybe none of you have had this experience?
Or should I have this moved to another topic perhaps?

I should be grateful, right? Happy I have two children already.

Feel like I need a magic wand to make the longing go away... If you have one, please send it my way!

Newyearnewme2016 Sat 09-Jan-16 14:03:32

I haven't had your experience sorry but I did have children quite late in life with exh and his parting words when he left for good were, I never wanted children. I do think we would have stayed together if we had remained childless.

So I think you have to accept it if your partner doesn't want children. If you don't there is a danger he will always resent you for pushing him into it.

You obviously feel strongly about it but as you have your two dc already you are in the ideal situation to share a life together and enjoy the extra time as your dc get older.

As you say time is running out for you to conceive so you are not likely to meet someone else and have children with them within the timescale you have.

If you didn't have dc already or you were younger, my advice would be different.

I think you are very lucky to have met someone you have feelings for and who is happy to be with you and your family.

Newyearnewme2016 Sat 09-Jan-16 14:06:07

If you still feel strongly in a few months time you could try one last lay your cards on the table talk and see how he feels then.

BoboChic Sat 09-Jan-16 14:07:42

Yes, I think you should be grateful and happy for the two children and lovely man in your life and stop hankering after more!

AnyFucker Sat 09-Jan-16 14:10:25

You are not compatible at all

You want more children, he does not. There is no middle ground here.

Either accept you will never have any more or give him up and find someone who does. If I had to hope to "persuade" someone to change their mind and I was clear I wanted the chance for more children, I would waste no more of my time.

FrazzleRock Sat 09-Jan-16 14:53:12

Thank you! Exactly the kick into reality I need. You're all absolutely right.

I think I need to imagine my future filled with holidays and perhaps even a decent sized house one day with my already made family and DP. This wouldn't happen with another baby to add to the equation...
Hopefully the broodiness will pass.

Thanks again
Frazzle

squicketysquack Sat 09-Jan-16 15:18:10

Hi OP. Slightly different situation here but hope you might find it helpful. I met DP in my late thirties, had always been convinced I would have children, and given my age I put it out there early on that it would be a priority for me. He already has a child, I have none. He said he wasn't particularly keen to have any more, but would if it was what I wanted.

Long story short, as time has gone by (together 6 years, I am now nearly 44), it has never felt like the right time, and I realised that I didn't actually want to have a baby with someone who wasn't totally committed to the idea and wouldn't be wholeheartedly with me each step of the way. He would have been supportive, but I know it wasn't actually what he wanted.

So I am childless and very very likely to remain so. It's not what I expected, but it's actually fine, more than fine. We get loads of quality time together, we travel, I have been able to make career and financial decisions that wouldn't have been possible had we had a baby. Given that you already have your boys and they are growing up, I would say look forward to the next stage of your life with your partner - it's actually pretty good smile.

Justdisappointed Sat 09-Jan-16 15:26:26

Hi my experience is similar to New Year's - I think if we hadn't had a child we may well still be together and happy now as the stress of bringing up a child whilst both working and no family support was a real source of discord. On the other hand we could have still ended up unhappy and separated only I wouldn't have my lovely daughter. Your situation is different since you have your boys however.

pepperoniflavour Sat 09-Jan-16 15:30:33

I met DH when I already had one DS and I was clear with him that I didn't want any more.He had no children of his own and while he said that he would like to have them, he accepted my decision and he has never put any pressure on me to change my mind.

We have been married for ten years now and neither of us regret it. Like a pp said, our lifestyle has been full of opportunities and experiences that we wouldn't have had if we'd had children together, as well as more financial security.

FrazzleRock Sat 09-Jan-16 15:39:42

Now that, squicketysquack, is a fantastic post. (Advice above also excellent as I say).
But what you wrote brought a happy tear to my eye. Really happy it's all worked out for you and, as you say, can spend quality time together and make career and financial decisions that wouldn't be possible with a baby.

Deep breaths and feet back on the ground is what I need smile
Besides, do I really want a third c-section, breastfeeding woes, and extra childcare to worry about? Nope. Probably not.

I think I will always have these wobbles once in a while. I should check back here when I do for a reality fix.

Psycobabble Sat 09-Jan-16 15:48:09

Hmmm I dunno the thing is it's easy 7 months in when it's all new and exciting it's easier to convince yourself you already have two dc that will be enough etc but if having another is really what you want how do you think youl feel in ten years ? Or if this relationship goes tits up in 5 years and you've missed your chance ??

When I met new dp ( I have a dc already so does he ) I knew I wanted to meet someone to settle down and be a proper family with and have another dc at some point, I was crazy about dp straight away but obviously didn't ask how he felt about marriage and kids at that point but I knew that it would be a deal breaker for me if he didn't want those things despite my feelings for him , luckily when we did discuss it a little while in wen thing started to the point of been serious he wanted that too

Suppose is it that you wanted a third child or more you want it with him because your all loved up and full of crazy falling in love hormones and it's normal to feel like that

I'm not saying throw your relationship away just that in the long run the sadness of not having another child if it's what you really wanted could be hard to deal with

Sorry if I sound harsh ! I speak as one who gave up other massive chances in life ( though none as important as this) based on my ex partner of 6 years in my early twenties . Nothing was more important at the time than been with him . And what is he now to me ? A distant memory I haven't spoken to in over 5 years

AlisonWunderland Sat 09-Jan-16 15:52:40

He does not want any children of his own, yet he gets on well with your two DC and is helpful and supportive to you (in your parenting role I assume).
Seems to me that he's already made a significant compromise for you in that he is willing to give up his potentially child free life to be with you and your children.

I would stick having just the two children.
We don't always get everything we want

Lexia123 Sat 09-Jan-16 20:51:41

I split up with my BF a few months ago over whether or not to have children..

Or rather, we both did, but differed about the timeline( I am four years older than him). Neither of us wanted to split up, but he found it scary that I wanted to have kids before he did, before he had a chance to do everything he wanted to do.

My feeling is the same of other posters- don't risk what you already have. If you have a great partner and two lovely children already, don't throw it all away. I can't tell you how much I wish I could turn back the clock :-( I'm not sure I want to have children at all any more...

MoMoTy Sat 09-Jan-16 21:01:59

I agree with other posters too. You are lucky indeed most of all to have found someone who is truly good to your boys and who you just click with. You might not find that again. It's still early days in your relationship though, so maybe reasses later on if the feelings change.

schlong Sun 10-Jan-16 08:12:35

OP do you want another kid with HIM or do you just want another one for the sake of it?

FrazzleRock Sun 10-Jan-16 11:39:50

I'd like one with him.
Before we met I never thought I'd want another. I would never say never if I'd met the right person, but really wasn't bothered.

In the very beginning, him not wanting his own children was fine by me.
Since we fell for eachother it's taken me by surprise and now I can't seem to shake it.
Though I know I have to as he's been honest from the start.

I really do need to get over it as I think losing him would break my heart more than not having another baby.

Like someone said earlier I can't have everything and I'm so lucky to have him and my two boys.
I wasn't bothered about having anymore children before so I don't know why it's become such an issue now.
Maybe biological clock or something! Who knows.

FrazzleRock Sun 10-Jan-16 11:41:19

I meant me wanting a child with him has taken me by surprise. Not him not wanting any, if that wasn't clear

AlisonWunderland Sun 10-Jan-16 11:46:22

Frazzle as the person who said we don't always get what we want, I do understand.
I wasn't the least bit interested in having children until I met my DP, and was blindsided to discover that I didn't want any child, I wanted HIS child.
Sadly it didn't happen. We went through many interventions to try and have children, but there came a point when I realised the strain it was putting our marriage under.
I was worried that I might end up with the baby, but lose the whole reason for the baby, ie DP.

We stopped treatment and are still together, very happy but childless, 25 years later.

Do you want to risk getting the child, but losing the father?

YouMakeMyDreams Sun 10-Jan-16 11:58:27

I had 3 doc when I met dh. He had never wanted children of his own but wasn't at all bothered about meeting someone with children. Before I met him I didn't want anymore at all was entirely happy with what I had and the gaps were getting too big for me to ever want to go back to the baby stage. During that loved up period I felt broody as hell mixed with heading towards mid 30's that crunch time we are all reminded about our biological clocks ticking. If it had been a deal breaker for me dh would have had a baby and not particularly grudgingly either. I know he would have been a great dad and loved it loads but I would never have backed him into a corner like that.
Also while being broody as hell I also had that niggle at the back of my mind reminding me that I hadn't wanted any more before we met. It wasn't a deal breaker for me and I still have the three I started with.

The result is personally obviously I can't speak for you is that I'm glad we didn't have a baby. I'm a few years older now so are my do and I can see life opening up for me a bit more. I realise now that to feel broody in those first throes of love and lust is perfectly normal it's how the human race survives. But in me those feelings went away and we have settled happily into our life together with the cd I already had. To the point I'm actually for the first time in my life not at all fussed about babies. Happy to see them delighted to hand them back.

YouMakeMyDreams Sun 10-Jan-16 11:58:55

Doc and do should say dc hmm

AlisonWunderland Sun 10-Jan-16 12:06:23

* to feel broody in those first throes of love and lust is perfectly normal it's how the human race survives*

Very good point!

FrazzleRock Sun 10-Jan-16 12:14:03

That makes perfect sense youmakemydreams. I'm sure it is to do with the loved up feeling combined with biological clock. I'm aware this is my last chance and I'm allowing the broody feeling to take over my thoughts way too much.
I'm sure it will fade and AlisonWunderland I'm not prepared to
lose DP. So I think there lies my answer!

MatildaTheCat Sun 10-Jan-16 12:39:48

I honestly believe that many of us are programmed to experience a surge of broodiness as our fertile years diminish. I certainly did and so did many of my friends. I did not go on to have my third, my dh just didn't want to. So I was sad but yes, it passed. Sadly the urge to procreate overrides sensible decision making and rational arguements so it's important to let go somehow.

Can I recommend Mindfulness as it encourages you to live in the moment. For you this should help you to savour all the great things that are happening and discourage some of the 'what ifs'.

Lucky you to have such a lovely new chapter in your life. Enjoy it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now