Separation hell

[Goodgirl77]

So first time on here.....8 months separated from my husband. Toughest Christmas ever. Actually toughest year ever, but I got up and carried on everyday, just cried lots in the toilets and the car and in bed....just not in public.....

Husband is a mind messer. He had an affair 5 years ago, we worked through it....I was working away etc etc. We had a child nearly 4 and in May he announced he'd had enough and left. Turns out he'd been 'kissing' a colleague the night before he told me he wanted a divorce. He constantly pulls and pushes me away, says he's not certain he wants a divorce but then never wants to do anything to work on things. I get strength to say leave me alone and then he tries to stop me and says he loves me. One minute I'm strong, the next weak. I hate being away from my child especially as I work full time and carry that guilt anyway this just adds more to it!

I feel so pathetic, trouble is lots of this is I think because that's actually the opposite of what I am. In that I have a really good job which I know has been an issue for him e.g. Me earning more. I just believe in family and marriage and think people give up too easily and have fairytale expectations but perhaps I just have low ones... Anyone out there in my boat? X

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

Yep, I was. Just move on. Not saying it's easy, but IME, the best way to get over a man, is to get under another one (sorry to be so very crude). I left my ExH of 20 years, for the same reason. I am now remarried and it's awesome. Walk away. Head held high.

[GarlicCake]

I just believe in family and marriage and think people give up too easily and have fairytale expectations but perhaps I just have low ones

No, I think you're the one with fairytale expectations. For example, that "believing in family and marriage" can magic away the realities of an unfaithful husband who, presumably, lies to you ("mind messer") and whose ego is too hungry to be pleased for his successful wife.

What exactly have you been missing about him for the last 8 months?

[ohdearymeee]

Similar situation although I had fallen out of love with H - Ive now been separated 7 mths - I met someone else tried to move on with my life but XH not happy with that, sends me abusive texts and tries to turn our daughter against me!
I've now stopped seeing other person to give myself a break, XH thinks I'm going to go back to him but I don't love him so how can I!!
I feel sad that its come to this but what can I do? I cant force something that isn't there..

[Goodgirl77]

I really just can't seem to let go. I can't even entertain the idea of another man as its been 15 years. I'm not sure why I can't let go. Think I miss the idea of what it was like.

[Goodgirl77]

I meant to say thanks for the motivation and even the reply! I just need the heart and head in sync. In truth part of my problem is I don't give up on anything and I'm most commonly described as determined so by nature I think I'm holding on. Like an idiot I admit. Reading your replies makes it real. Thank you again!

[GarlicCake]

It's okay :) I miss the idea of what it was like. - Yep, we all do this, particularly if we invested ourselves in an unhealthy relationship where the power balance was weighted against us.

Part of the problem is the sunk cost fallacy. After letting go of the delusion that further investment will turn a bad project good, we still need to grieve properly for the hopes & dreams we had - this frees us to identify our true hopes, and begin looking forwards.

Have a read of these:-

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201409/letting-go-sunk-costs

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escalation_of_commitment

Are any bells ringing?

[Goodgirl77]

The bells are ringing big time garliccake. This also makes me feel much less inadequate and simply a human being. Thanks for giving some time to reply!

[ohdearymeee]

What do you think you will do goodgirl77?

[Justdisappointed]

Yes Goodgirl I'm in the same boat as you. My marriage was not in a good place and my H walked out two months ago. I too am held captive by thoughts of what might have been, happy alternatives to this situation and have to constantly remind myself of the surly sofa surfer rather than dreams of happy sunshine filled family holidays. He has been away for 12 days and has not texted or called once which seems awful after sixteen years of marriage, but I have seen lots of people and managed to forge a decent Christmas for myself and DD. Keep posting as it's encouraging to have people validate what you're feeling.
Garlickcake - sunk costs article was very interesting

[Goodgirl77]

Thanks for sharing justdisappointed your user name completely sums it up. Christmas was so hard! Weird to think someone else going though that too. It's all so surreal at times isn't. It feels like there's no other break up before that prepares you for it. The overwhelming disappointment of it and the end of so much in the present and of the future. I've had a bad day with it today, the car broke down on the drive on the way to nursery and work And absent H just moaning about his cold! One which I managed all through Christmas with but which means he can't pick up DD from nursery!

[Justdisappointed]

I'm sorry you've had a bad day - hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Goodgirl77]

Got to make it though DD's 4th birthday party tomo!! Wish me luck! X

[sleepinginmycar]

I always remember Dr Phil saying something along the lines of " you are not grieving for the marriage that you have. you are grieving for the marriage that you wished you had".
That has always stuck with me.
Havw a fantastic party!

[MiniTheMinx]

I agree with others that you are mourning what you thought you had. I should imagine also it came as a bit of a shock. Time helps and distance...Apparently.

I'm in a similar situation but it's me who wants it all over. Two years and very little progress.

If you decide you want to be with him you give him the power to decide. If you can bring yourself to make any decision at all it should be that you don't want him. You don't need his consent for that!

[Twistedheartache]

Almost identical story left last March after 12.5 years together/6.5 married although we had a 5 month old (now 14 months) & a 4 year old, I think he had been planning it/been with OW at least since Oct 2014 but I suspect since July (she left her partner in Aug 14)
Similarly he fundamentally resented me earning more than him.
Some days I'm doing amazingly & other days I still breakdown about how it wasn't how it was meant to be - I definitely wouldn't want him back but really can't get over the hatred of both him & her
No advice for you but you're not alone & I too can't imagine ever meeting anyone else, I hate that I lose one weekend day a fortnight with my precious girls because of what he's done (work ft so weekends are v special).
Hopefully one day this will all seem like a distant memory

[Goodgirl77]

Thanks for the messages! Tough day yesterday but I keep reminding myself I get through all of these tough days so will just keep on going x

[Goodgirl77]

Help! I told him I was done yesterday. After DDs birthday he said he didn't wanted us not to divorce and wanted to try to reconnect. I've been feeling it's half hearted and he's not really in to it. He's been doing little things but not enough for me, mostly because he doesn't want to be divorced and because of our daughter. I told him last night that's not good enough for me and it has to be about me and us so called time on it. I'm wobbling now and sitting on my hands not to call. Help!...