Please give me your much needed advice

[eenysugarplumfairy]

Hiya! I am going to try to sum this up in as few words as possible - I have had a TERRIBLE relationship with my Mother. Growing up she was very abusive and selfish with me and my sister. I had my first baby 4 months ago and while I was pregnant I cut off all contact with her because the memories were too painful.

She called me a while ago and we had it out on the phone. I got a very meager apology but was also told to 'get over it'.

The thing is, I miss her. I cant decide if I should allow her in my life. It seems the only reason to not talk to her is to punish her, and I am not sure thats the right thing to do.

My sister doesnt speak to her at all, after the way my Mum behaved while my nephew was dying of cancer.

I dont know what to do. I want to phone her but I feel like in doing so I am saying that how she behaved was acceptable.

Advice please, thanks for reading this.

Merry Christmas xxx

[GhostOfMumsnet]

Why not keep the phone call brief? You don't have to pretend as if nothing happened. Just go on to pass information etc. If things begin to improve or go well then judge for yourself when to talk a little more.

Obviously I'm not in the situation so I might be wrong but if you want to talk to her then maybe you should. Take care with your sister though. It would be a shame to upset her because of it.

Wooo WOoooo

[lulumama]

you might miss her...but is she going to bring anything positive into your life and your LO;s life? is she going to cause more problems? is she going to neglect you when you need her

sounds like you are so torn...and you want to tell her what she did was wrong,but are scared she won;t then want to be in your life.....but you are also not sure if you want her there....

can you write her a letter? explain calmly how you feel,, how she has let you down in the past and how she has let your sister down>

what is the realtionship like between you and your sister,,how will she feel if you rekindle a relationship with your mum?

[eenysugarplumfairy]

I have explained to her in a letter and on the phone why my sister and I havent wanted to talk to her. She just will NOT take it in. She has admitted to about half of it but in a very non chalant way and the rest she denies or justifies.

My sister and I are close but dont talk loads... she says she will support me no matter what I want to do but secretly I think she will be annoyed if I talk to our Mum.

[lulumama]

i suppose ultimately it will depend on who you want in your life more..your mum , or your sister
and your mum is not going to suddenly hold her hands up to all she has done....and make you feel better.,..can you have a relationship with her like that?

[eenysugarplumfairy]

If I had to choose I would choose my sister. I feel like my whole life I have been torn between those two. I really dont know, lulumama, if I can have a relationship like that. I just dont know!! gggrrrrr. I dont want to be worrying about this when I have a lovely new baby and its Christmas.

[justJAM]

It is hard - I have nothing to do with my Father, long story but he too was abusive, twisted and cruel when I was a child and as a result, despite my brothers maintaining contact with him I made the decision to not have him in my life. My Brother (whom I am very close to and has no idea just how horrid my father was, he knows I have 'issues' but doesn't know in's and outs as my father loved my brothers) mentioned that my father wanted to meet DD and I had to explain that it would never happen. Lulu summed it up in her post - Why would I introduce someone into my daughters life that would be nothing but a negative influence and has hurt me so badly and I have to say even though it played on my mind lots while pregnant now DD is here I am even more certain I made the right decision for now I REALLY can't understand how anyone could cause their child pain...sorry If I've gone on but I do relate and think that if you cannot forgive your mum and move on it may not be best for your LO....

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There's a number of ladies on here who have had toxic relationships with their Mums through no fault of their own. Would suggest you read the thread entitled, "my Mum has decided to cut me out of my life" further down this page. There are behaviours on their displayed by these toxic mnothers that are very similar to what your mum has said and done.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It may well help you find a way forward.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=241761&stamp=061216020535

Link to thread