how to handle this? would you feel threatened?

[ridiculoussingle]

(Ignore my username, its very old, I don't know how to change it).

I'm in a ldr (45 minutes drive but neither of us can move due to complex family situations. ) been together 3 years, very happy. He is really lovely, kids get on, no problems between us at all. The only bone of contention is that we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like.

As we live in different towns, we both have our own lives as well as the life we share when we can. This is fine, it's good and healthy to have separate friends and interests.

The problem is, I feel threatened by a single female friend of his. Their kids are friends and do activities together, have sleepovers at each other's etc. I've met her, she's nice, and I can see how good a match she'd be for bf. They see each other at activities, message each other about kid stuff. I guess I feel threatened as I'm not part of that circle, I can see how their lives would fit together better than ours do.

When I talk to bf about it he says she's just his kids mates mum, he loves me, there's nothing to be worried about, and I have no reason to not trust him. But I still feel threatened by her, like she's waiting in the wings for if we split up.

Wwyd? How would you handle this? How would you feel about it?

[gamerchick]

Is there anything to handle though? Would you like him to stop seeing her completely?

[DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow]

How would we handle what?

I think he's done as much as he reasonably can to reassure you, the issue is entirely yours.

[ridiculoussingle]

No, I hate that I feel like this about it. I remember being that single friend with a male friend where their partners were threatened and stopped us hanging out.

[ridiculoussingle]

I guess I'm asking if you'd feel threatened in a similar situation or if I'm being completely unreasonable to feel like that. My last partner had an affair, I guess that plays into my insecurity.

[TheoriginalLEM]

i would feel exactly the same. in fact it would be a big problem for me. BUT like you, id be wrong. There is nothing between them. he loves you. Don't let your insecurities cloud things.

it would be very easy for him to keep her a secret from you. He hasn't done this and that speaks for itself.

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

Why do you think she's a risk? Has she done anything to make you feel this way? Does she know you exist?

I would text my kids friends parents - male and female - all perfectly innocent. Not once, has any of the Dad's said or done anything inappropriate.

I do think one of you is going to have to move towns, if you want this to work long term. Or buy a place together that's in the middle of the 45 min commute - so there's only 20 mins to get to your old towns, iyswim. I do a school run that's 35 mins there and 35 mins back. It's no biggy.

[ridiculoussingle]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Just talking it through with you does show me it's my insecurity, and yes I text male parent friends too etc etc. And she knows me, and I have no reason to doubt what he says.
So really I need to get a grip!

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

You do need to sort out the housing situation tho. Surely you'd like to live together?

[IrenetheQuaint]

Being superficially compatible because their lives are quite similar is totally different from being properly relationship compatible. I have several male friends who on the surface might seem compatible as we have similar interests and get on well, but who wouldn't suit at all as boyfriends.

If your boyfriend is a decent, honest guy (and it sounds like it?) then it doesn't sound like there's anything to worry about.

[Friendlystories]

It doesn't sound like there would be any reason for them not to be together if that's what they wanted. They're not, he's with you even though the distance makes it less convenient, that should tell you all you need to know. There's nothing in your OP that rings alarm bells for me, he's not secretive about her, you've met her, I think his description of her as his kids mates mum is literally all she is to him. Even if she is 'waiting in the wings' he would have to want to be with her and he patently doesn't or he wouldn't go to the extra effort of being with you when you're not on his doorstep.

[Chiggers]

Maybe you should arrange a get together so you can get to know her. That way, you'll have a better idea if you're right to feel threatened by her presence. You never know, she may become a good friend and she can then reassure you that there's nothing to feel threatened by.

The problem with feelings like yours OP, is if you act on them, you could end up pushing your DP away.

It sounds like you have nothing to worry about, so put your feelings to the side and enjoy your time you spend with your DP.