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How to move on from this

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WhatHaveIDoneToDeserveThis · 30/12/2015 13:26

Apologies VERY long but just need somewhere to put this all down.
The last 8 months have been the worst of my life. 'D' H left in March, after 5 months of marriage.We'd been together for a year before that. All very whirlwind but it really was love at first sight. The year of meeting, moving in together & planning our wedding was so perfect it was like a film,then boom. There was no one else,he just didn't want to be married to me anymore. I cried, begged, got angry and nothing worked. The next few months were hell-having to take time off work because I literally couldn't get out of bed, the embarrassment of having to tell people we'd split up, family & friends who claimed they never liked him any way telling me I'd been a fool. I have never cried so much in my life or been so lonely.

6 weeks before our wedding anniversary he emailed to ask if we could meet face to face to talk everything through. I jumped at the chance. When we met I was gobsmacked.He'd lost the weight he'd put on during the first few months of our marriage (which he has apparently said was down to the drinking he did to cope with being unhappy) and just looked like a younger, happier version of himself. I, on the other hand, have lost fistfuls of hair, dropped from a size 8 to a size 6, have bags and lines where there were none before and even with making an effort still look a wreck.

He apologised for hurting me, for the embarrassment he'd caused and for not being the husband I wanted and hoped that we could eventually be friends! I told him I could never forgive him for throwing our marriage away like it was nothing and moving on so easily and left. I have avoided all contact with him since as I cannot face the thought of divorce yet, despite him assuring me it would be quick and painless - there are no shared assets as he moved in to my house, he has paid off all the wedding costs, given back every expensive gift I gave to him and told me to keep my engagement ring.

For Christmas & New Year I am back in my home village, where last year I was proudly introducing my new husband, now having to explain that no he won't be coming later, no I am not still enjoying married life, trying not to scream from the humiliation and pain. I spent the whole of Christmas Day hoping he'd call or text. Nothing. A couple of days ago I cracked and called-it went to voicemail. I cried about how much I missed him and how last year I had gone to sleep on Christmas Eve thinking life was perfect and that maybe this Christmas we might even have a baby and now he'd taken it all away from me, without even giving me a chance and just moving on like I meant nothing to him. No reply.

Yesterday my 'best friend', who was maid of honour at our wedding, called.Turns out 'DH' called her and said he was worried about me-nice, eh! She said she understood how I was feeling - she's been with the same guy for 15 years, has the ring, the perfect child, the lot, so actually she hasn't a clue - and was sorry but it was time to move on and let him do the same. She admitted that he had gotten in touch after our anniversary meeting and since then they've been talking a lot and 'he has been giving his side of the story' I blew up at her - she is supposed to be my friend but she's listening to the pathetic excuses of the man who claimed I was the love of his life and then ruined mine and telling me it is my fault! What about loyalty, what about telling him that he had to accept how much pain he had caused. And then she really dropped one on me-he does feel guilt, so much that even though he met someone a few months back who he feels he could be in a relationship with, he has told her they can only be friends until the divorce comes through as it wouldn't be fair on me! Guess that explains why he was so keen to throw money at it. The thought of him loving someone else is tearing me apart all over again.

I logged on to facebook this morning for the first time in months to look at his profile. He has added lots of new friends, most of whom are women. My 'best friend' is still friends with him, as are most of my friends who came to the wedding - only my family members have defriended him. His time line is full of going to gigs, travelling, socialising, having a great time, while I have been living a nightmare.

On Christmas Day he posted about 'The best present ever' with what looks like a picture of his TV screen. My 'BF' commented underneath asking what it was and he explained that his 'lovely friend x has given me her Netflix password and when I logged in she had created a list of my favourite films and documentaries on my favourite bands to see me through Christmas when I said I was going to take time out alone'. 'BF' replied 'aw, how lovely, what a thoughtful thing to do. Glad you have someone to look after you after the year you've had'. WTF?!

I texted 'BF' that I'd seen her little exchange with 'dh about his new 'friend' and unless she cut all contact with him our friendship was over. Her reply 'Sorry you feel like this. I never wanted to take sides as I consider you both my friends but if I am honest since your wedding I've felt uncomfortable about your behaviour towards 'DHname' but assumed you were both happy so didn't want to interfere. I have tried to be supportive since the breakup but you refuse to see things from any point of view but your own and won't accept that you are as responsible as he is'.
She said it was clear from what he'd told her that I was more interested in the fantasy of marriage than the reality and that me being constantly disappointed by him not living up to that fantasy had worn him down. I had become too controlling, not letting him do anything that didn't fit with my idea of the perfect husband, wanting him to change to suit me and not willing to compromise either. It would have hurt less if she had punched me.

I am sitting here, in my parents house, shaking from anger and hurt and want to scream at the unfairness of it all.

A year ago my life was perfect - newly married to the love of my life, surrounded by friends and family and feeling like everything had come together at last. Now my perfect marriage is a joke, the love of my life wants to wipe me from his life with no trace and my best friend is telling me I am a controlling harridan from hell who deserves to have her life torn apart. All I ever did was try to make my marriage work. I loved him with every part of me and I meant nothing to him. How has this happened? Am I really such an awful, unloveable person? How can life ever feel normal or good or happy after all of this?

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fuzzywuzzy · 30/12/2015 13:33

So sorry you're going thro this.

Have you spoken to your GP? You sound understandably very depressed.

Get help for how your feeling. Then get the ball rolling for divorce. De friend him on FB and cut your losses.

He doesn't want to be with you, don't try to make him behave the way you want it isn't working and won't work.

Concentrate on getting back on your feet. Rally your friends and family around.

See if you can get counselling as well.