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Is this the end of my marriage? (Long, sorry)(3 Posts)
DH and I have been together for over 12 years, married for 2.5 years. We have a DS 8yrs and DD 4.5yrs. DH also has an 18yr old DS from previous relationship who is a big part of the family. When I was pregnant with DS my DH fell into depression (issues related to his family, job stress, health matters, house move to accommodate growing family). Dealing with his depression, a house move and a newborn baby was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I was heart broken when I went back to work. I reduced my hours so my son went to nursery part time. However, my job is very stressful and demanding and I basically do a full time job within part time hours. I probably got through it by concentraing on my son and trying to juggle work, family, home etc. DH threw himself into work and sometimes worked 7 days a week. Not because he needed to but because it seemed therapeutic to him and he felt he was contributing to our family in the best way he knew how. We were relatively happy and rarely argued. Iv never doubted he loves me and he's the only man I've ever trusted. We are good friends and for the most part have taken everything in our stride. However, I've often felt very alone in the parenting of my son. DH has rarely played with him, interacted, never helped with the day to day basics. If I ever complained that I was exhausted and needed a rest his answer was for me to call my mum because he was tired too. He would often take long naps on weekends and have layins. I put some of this down to his depression but some of this was down to pure selfish laziness on his part. By the time we had DD, he was somewhat back to normal and things felt good for a while. However since I went back to work again after my maternity leave, I was a broken woman. Juggling school, work, nursery, house, family, friends, relationship, etc. About a year ago when my DD started primary school, I fell into an awful depression and couldn't function anymore. I was completely numb and unable to cope with anything. I attended counselling, which has helped, increased level of exercise, changed eating habits, started to take more time for myself. DH has really stepped up over the last 12 months and taken on his fair share of house/kids and everything else. However, I just feel numb and resentful towards him. If he'd have helped me more in the first place I wouldn't have gotten to the point of breaking down. I feel like he is just helping until I get "better" and then will just revert to his old bad habits. The thought of him touching me or having sex makes my skin crawl. He has also become obsessed with moving house and taking on more of a mortgage, more responsibility, more maintenance, etc. We are already struggling to deal with the house we currently have. He is not great at DIY or cleaning, organising, and I usually have to call on my dad or brother to help us with household things. This upsets me. Parking on our road in the evening has gotten quite bad lately and if you arrive home after 7pm you often have to park several roads away. Yes that's annoying, but not the end of the world. However he behaves like this is the most awful thing in the world and his main push for moving is so he can off-street parking. Which apparently is a big want of his and he will not stay living where we are because he's outgrown the place and wants more. I personally am just happy and relieved to have a roof over our heads and think more space and off street parking don't make a home! We keep arguing over this and it's becoming a joke. He actually turned round and said today that parking will be the thing that breaks us up?!?! I told him he sounds like an immature asshole when he says things like that. I told him I would consider moving after my son had a place at a decent secondary school and he said he doesn't give a damn about which school the kids go to or if it's good or bad, so that says a lot about his priorities. Off street parking vs a nice safe decent school for our children?!! I don't know who he is anymore and cannot believe that my once kind, happy and reasonable man is behaving like this. I don't really know where we go from here. I don't even know what I'm expecting as far as responses from mumsnet users. Maybe I just need confirmation that I'm not losing my mind and that this is all a bit of bad joke....
DEAL BREAKER 1
he said he doesn't give a damn about which school the kids go to or if it's good or bad
He doesn't care about his own children's well being, WOW!
DEAL BREAKER 2
If I ever complained that I was exhausted and needed a rest his answer was for me to call my mum because he was tired too
It's all "Me Me Me"
DEAL BREAKER 3
The thought of him touching me or having sex makes my skin crawl
I really don't see what other choice you have here? The guy is never home, when he is he doesn't engage with the family and he's SELFISH!
(there were loads of other deal breakers in your OP)
Maybe it's time for you to be the selfish one and look out for number 1, i.e. you and the kids?
OP your husband is just a selfish, entitled, arsewipe. It's as simple as that. My ex was very similar. Wanted the outward signs of success without the effort - just borrow more money and the being an adult, husband, father can wait (indefinitely). The truth is that your needs don't count, he doesn't have it in him to support you and he has killed your love by a thousand (or a hundred thousand) tiny cuts. He doesn't have your back and your best bet would be to leave this marriage while you are still able to set up a life of your own. I've done it and it's sheer bliss not to have a man like this dragging me down. Please go and see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, will be as bad as spending the rest of your life like this.
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