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Where and how to meet someone in 40s

(28 Posts)
bridie69 Tue 22-Dec-15 09:24:52

Hi I wondered what people thought of this. My DB is 42 unmarried has a couple of relationships behind him and absolutely no self confidence when it comes to romance. He has a stressful albeit fairly good income job here but reckons the hours and effect of eating up his life aren't worth it. He has am opportunity through inheritance to live mortgage free in a more rural area in Ireland well small ish village but confessed he is worried he'll be isolated although there are cities within 1/2 hours.But he is too stressed here to enjoy any of his life let alone dating. So I am telling him he should try. He has a profile on match.com ready to go but won't put a photo on it as he thinks it will put people off! It won't, but not having one will imo. I myself have recently resolved a distance relationship myself in a good way so he incorrectly thinks I have all the answers.
Anyway see what you think.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 22-Dec-15 09:31:05

bridie I think you are massively overinvolved in the lives of people around you!

But ignoring that fact, if I were him, I'd take that opportunity in a heartbeat.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 22-Dec-15 09:35:06

bridie I think you are massively over-involved in the lives of people around you!

Apart from this ^ I'd advise your brother to focus on his self-confidence and stress levels rather than looking for romance.

pocketsaviour Tue 22-Dec-15 09:44:05

Anyone who says "I can't put a photo of myself on a dating site because I'm too hideous" is NOT ready to date - online or off.

He needs to work on developing his self confidence before stepping into that world. Dating is 90% being rejected and it really doesn't sound like he's in a place to handle that well.

If he moved to the country (and I certainly sympathise with the desire) how would be support himself? Has he got a proper plan or is it just a pipe dream?

Does he have good friendships locally? Does he have a problem making friends or is it just dating where he feels unequal to it?

bridie69 Tue 22-Dec-15 10:21:51

I may be over involved, I don't know when you cross ftom being "just enough involved" to "over involved", and while I can see that some people seem to object to it I don't see how I am hurting anyone by caring. Re self confidence and stress I myself had big issues with these in the past.I eventually got help via CBT but he has therapy but it is not CBT but integrative. He has good friendships but fairly scattered here now and of course many people busy with families. I think his plan to leave and set up for himself is a sound one. He would have a mortgage free small house, around £1000 pcm coming in from investments and would look to set up a small business from there. It is fair to say he is realistic about OLD as I say the photo means people at least look at your profile and if they aren't interested so what. He would of course try to meet people in RL too business contacts friends etc to complement those he already has.

angelwings3 Tue 22-Dec-15 10:31:16

I know quite a few single ladies in their 40's that have never been married and never had children.. there is someone for everyone as they say and I have tried all the dating sites, the only interest I got was for men looking for a shag not a relationship and sadly that's what its like, I am hoping friends will set me up as I am ready to date now.. bur does your brother want someone??

RedMapleLeaf Tue 22-Dec-15 10:37:00

I don't know when you cross ftom being "just enough involved" to "over involved",

Listening to them, asking questions, making suggestions = interested and supportive.

Starting advice threads about someone else's problems and/or feeling you need to solve their problems = over-involved.

I don't see how I am hurting anyone by caring.

Being a Fixer can cause you harm by taking your focus from other, more important things. Being over-involved means you are living your life through that of others.
It can harm others by taking away their agency and self-determination. Caring means letting others be themselves, build their own skills and abilities in decision-making, letting them learn, giving them space to live.

I really don't think it's healthy for a sibling to know such details about the other's finances.

bridie69 Tue 22-Dec-15 11:31:58

Thanks for the responses. I don't agree that the level of my involvement is unhealthy despite acknowledging the validity of the arguments against here. Angel wings he is looking for someone, at least he will be, he would like to get his new life set up first though. He says there are absolutely loads of single men in his current company all struggling to meet someone and if they can't manage it and according to him they are to a man better looking, wealthier, more charming than him well he doesn't rate his chances. I relate to being hard on yourself as I was too for many years.

sinber Tue 22-Dec-15 11:43:00

Hello bridie, off topic, but am I getting a hint that things are happening with the Irish fella?

Your DB by the way, has to add a photo. Pointless not to.

meoryou Tue 22-Dec-15 11:44:42

Reading between the lines, I wonder if his waiting until xyz is in place, it could be counter-productive?

We're all of us a work in progress, not merely a product (if you know what I mean).

As time passes, more life issues will get in the way if he's waiting for the perfect moment/right time.

Ok he may meet a few that are not ideal for him, but if he's reflective, he'll learn about himself in the process. That's much more attractive.

eastwest Tue 22-Dec-15 11:56:29

I don't think you are over-involved, bridie - I think you just care about your brother. You haven't said that he objects to your involvement so don't know why some people are judging you like this. I worry about my own brother for similar reasons, but he's a very private person and I don't get involved. Just worry quietly in my head because I love my bruv and want him to be happy! smile

bridie69 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:21:14

What great posts sinber meoryou and eastwest. I definitely get the thing about not waiting until xy is in place before trying a few people out. Like DS he is too shy to approach someone he doesn't know so other routes are required. I care about him for all kinds of reasons but partly he was such a great support when DH died. He is especially close to my DD and I can't overstate how much he helped her and was kind to her when she was having relationship problems in her late teens.
Sinber my Irish friend has said he wants us to have a chance and is moving to SE England in March. We are both realists I think but it has been an education for me in the benefits of getting to know someone well before thinking about moving things on.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 22-Dec-15 12:56:39

eastwest no one is judging her like anything, but her posts are always about the relationships/sex lives of people around her. From her adult children, to her colleagues and now her brother.

bridie I do think it's a fools errand to wait until everything is in place, but yout brother does dound quite down on himself. OD is full if men (probably women too) who are down in themselves and you can spot them a mile off. Also, no photo usually means married.

bridie69 Tue 22-Dec-15 13:15:36

This is still.. I may post about others lives but I also posted about mine eg with the longish distance relationship. I do care about others and my posting % is a true reflection of this. DB like many people I have met has a sort of congenital self deprecation on steroids. He just cannot see that you don't need to be perfect to attract someone and he focusses on his own imperfections using them as reasons he will not be able to meet someone. I was the same for many years and it isn't a great place to be. He is concentrating atm on his new business plan and his hobbies which are writing and music.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 22-Dec-15 13:53:17

It's good to hear that he's doing stuff. And the way he feels isn't uncommon. But you discussing him on here isn't going to help him. Is it?

Just be aware that these people might not appreciate you offering their livesd and perceived problems on the Internet for others to discuss. Albeit anonymously. Especially whenwe're responding to your account of itand not theirs.That's all.

myfirstandonlylove Tue 22-Dec-15 15:20:44

I'm sure he appreciates your support. I wonder had he considered voluntary work? Almost impossible not to meet new people and gets you out of your own head etc. Men are often conditioned to think they must project an image of imperviousness when truthfully many of those I know myself included feel exactly the opposite inside.If he has shown such kindness and sensitivity towards his niece is that not a quality which should make him value himself? I had a conversation with a friend recently who just cannot see what a catch he is. You don't need to be arrogant just a core of confidence which kinds of makes others men and women feel secure and relaxed around you. Hobbies like that sound a great way to start building self esteem and self confidence.

SoleSource Tue 22-Dec-15 15:29:40

I'm single. I will marry him.

myfirstandonlylove Tue 22-Dec-15 15:55:43

As others have said building confidence is key. He can do this while dating or whatever or before, it hardly matters. Life is about people and be right and be around the right people and good things inevitably emerge. Taking your own advice is of course another matter entirely...

flatbellyfella Tue 22-Dec-15 19:27:05

Go for it SoleSource we need some good romantic excitement at this time of year........

SoleSource Sun 27-Dec-15 16:39:52

I'll marry you flatbelly

lavenderhoney Sun 27-Dec-15 17:41:48

He needs to put a photo on, and be selective. He won't be isolated -I expect he'll get plenty of callers and interest, plus he's not far from the city.

And be tough old - no need to reply to women begging for money/ declaring love etc. Maybe he could use mn and the OLD thread?smile

I don't think there's anything wrong in him talking to you about his private life, you're his sister! And anyway, don't you have any single friends?smile

bridie69 Sun 27-Dec-15 18:29:07

lavender I do have one or two single friends but for various reasons including their location and different interests it may not work. I agree I am happy he will talk to me about this after all these years. He never used to before. In fact he only really opened up about all this stuff when he was living with me earlier in the year between house moves. In fact he told my DD who is shall we say an inquisitive soul and to whom he has always been close. I certainly hope people wouldn't be begging for £ on OLD but I suppose it takes all sorts. My DD has already written him a brilliant profile and threatened to put it on with or without his consent if he hasn't found anyone himself in 3 months time!

RedMapleLeaf Sun 27-Dec-15 18:32:01

My DD has already written him a brilliant profile and threatened to put it on with or without his consent if he hasn't found anyone himself in 3 months time!

Oh my goodness!! Leave him be.

Trills Sun 27-Dec-15 18:37:14

Anyone who says "I can't put a photo of myself on a dating site because I'm too hideous" is NOT ready to date - online or off.

I agree.

BloodontheTracks Sun 27-Dec-15 18:42:33

Aww this is a bit harsh! Firstly, he's in a great position as a single guy in his forties. I've known very shy men in that age bracket with hardly any relationship experience and sometimes it does take a bit of a shove and a coax! i don't think you should do anything without his permission but why not take a photo together that he can approve of and go from there. Or set him up? Good luck to him.

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