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Feeling like I don't deserve love and a relationship

(3 Posts)
thetwistedturnoffate Sat 14-Nov-15 11:43:33

Not sure how to start…
I am deeply sad and feeling hopeless. Been separated for 3+ years, husband has cheated and still is now with OW and now she is expecting a baby.
I feel like they robbed me off the family life, plans, future.
I am 37, one DD who is 9. Everybody keeps telling me I will finally ‘find someone’ and will be happy again. But I just feel so hopeless. I went to Tesco’s yesterday to get some Christmas decorations and I almost felt like crying when leaving, looking at all these loved up couples and happy families.
I kind of moved on and do not obsess over ex and the OW as I used to but still am so angry that they have what I am missing on – couple time, family time, while I spend lonely nights and parts of weekends and holidays, not mentioning being a single working parent which is hard work too!

I am coping in my everyday life with all practicalities, people say I am coping better than the average but sometimes I just have enough of all that coping… I have a decent job and good circle of friends.
But I just feel so damn lonely and even though I KNOW I deserve a decent and loving partner, I probably don’t FEEL like I will ever get one.

Realistically I have maybe 3-4 more years left to meet somebody I could start another family with. I am dreaming of having at least one more child, up to the point that I even considered a sperm donor, which is a little bit against my beliefs. Or adoption, which I am afraid of, because I am not sure if I could love the adopted child as much as my own.

I tried online dating but it seems like the only men who are interested in me are well over 40 or 50, who don’t want more kids, or guys in their 20s who just want fun.
I had a couple of casual meetups in my rebound phase after ex fucked off to his OW, but it all just left a bad taste, I know I need more than just sex and do deserve better. I wouldn’t mind getting a decent friend with benefits but these are hard to find!
I am not socially dormant, I do go out but it seems like nothing happens for me in the real life dating department.

I honestly do feel like there is nothing waiting for me in this life, apart from being a parent, being a colleague, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I am not the ugliest person on earth but have so many insecurities. I start thinking it must be my dramatically low self-esteem causing all the trouble. Deep inside I probably do not think I deserve a decent man. I am big, not nicely curvy but just fat – size 20.
I am fresh and try to dress nicely, smile, have appropriate makeup and so on… just be feminine, but when I look at other women, most of them just seem to be looking so much better! Recently I started having skin problems and look like a spotty teenager. My GP claims it must be hormones going crazy due to lack of sleep and stress.
I feel like I just look horrible and nobody will want me for serious matters. The funny thing though is that I had no problems finding a shag in my rebound phase, but it only leads me to one conclusion… they wanted me because I was easy.
I just feel so sad inside and I am not sure what to do. Counselling and ADs – doing it and have been so for months.
Sometimes I think I should just draw up some plan, like give myself a year to lose weight and take care of my looks to feel more confident. On the other hand I know and see so many women who are not prettier or more interesting than me and yet they have DPs or DHs. So maybe the problem is not in looks…

I would appreciate any advice, obviously I must be very messed up and unable to cope with it on my own.

cailindana Sat 14-Nov-15 12:53:17

'I honestly do feel like there is nothing waiting for me in this life, apart from being a parent, being a colleague, a daughter, a sister and a friend'

Why do you devalue these things so much? Why does your worth hinge on the opinion of men you don't even know?

RedMapleLeaf Sat 14-Nov-15 13:26:04

I feel like they robbed me off the family life, plans, future... Everybody keeps telling me I will finally ‘find someone’ and will be happy again.

In my opinion the problem is that you are aiming for a very narrow target of Happiness - getting a man, being in a couple and spending time as a couple. Your friends mean well, I'm sure, but they are reinforcing this. I was exactly the same at the end of my LTR.

You haven't had stolen your family life, plans or future. Just the set you thought you had, besides, what we plan and what happens are never the same. So, if you widen your view, you'll find that you still have all of those things.

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