Please help talk sense to me

[Gohackyourself]

Hi,

I found out at the weekend that my ex dh has a girlfriend .
No big deal in some senses, good luck to her an all that jazz, but I'm just so bloody angry that he's happier than me after all he's put me through.
Brief background - we split because he stole a large amount of money from his work, he was over invested in his job- he liked to look inportant(hence the money stolen to fund lifestyle which btw I was never part of because it was all business trips etc
He'd created a secret dating profile many years ago-
We had to start paying the money back to his work even though we had just spent ten years clearing his old marriages debts an csa arrears.

In all I spent ten years an had a 8 yr old child with a con artist.... So.....,
You would think I would be glad to see back of him!
I am but I'm so angry that he's allowed to swan off and start a nice shiny new life whilst I'm left to bring up our son(not that I begrudge that bit) but I f/t and look after him - ex dh swans in 2 nights a week to play Disney dad- an now he's hooked up with a woman that has 2 children where he ll be investing more time and care on than the 3 children he's got by us two ex wives (other 2 kids he doesn't see)


I stalk him on fb an whatsapp an just am so mad at him... How can I stop this an move on.... How did you get over that anger? Pls help someone ? X

[BinToHellAndBack]

You need to focus you, not him. Block him on Facebook etc and only have necessary contact. Don't torture yourself - find something distracting to do everything time you fins yourself thinking of him. Time will help. Find things you can enjoy doing and relish in how much better it is to be single than with a con-artist.

He may or may not be happy with his new life (you really can't tell), but it doesn't need to define your happiness. That has to happen independently of him or it isn't real happiness. And I know it's tough; for a while I found it easier to think of my ex as miserable. Then I realised that if his misery, or 'karma' or whatever, gave me solace then I am still letting him call the shots on my feelings (even if he doesn't know it).

[Gohackyourself]

That's very true binto.
What's puzzling is we've been split a couple of years so can't understand it.
It's also like watching a love sick teenager again and he acts such a b*+*d by curt texts and attitude - like he's too high am mighty now- I'd love to see him fall and really spill the beans to ppl (the ones he's conning with his persona)

And the worst bit - I know how bitter and jealous it sounds and then I beat myself up more.

[Handywoman]

Oh Hack I remember feeling like you. Then I worked on it all with a fantastic psychotherapist and this helped me let go, emotionally, from him. And now I just think 'meh' - when I think about him and his stupid new wardrobe, pathetic facial hair, fashion glasses and mental new girlfriend

This is where you need to get to. You can do this. Start by blocking him on social media, know that he is a two-dimensional prick who is incapable of a proper, committed relationship (look at the trail he leaves behind him...) and think about getting yourself some therapy, and some good old-fashioned self-care. Can you plan a brilliant night out with a friend?

You can do this

[Potatoface2]

hes putting things on FB making himself look happy and having a great life.....probably isnt.....it never is if your posting that sort of crap....block him..dont look and get on with your own life.....hes gonna be someone elses major disappointment soon enough!

[Gohackyourself]

Oh thanks all- I know - I have blocked but we have mutual friends so slipped thru net.
Your def right on the trail of destruction.

I have nights out and practise self care where I can I just can't help the wanting to see him fail and be unhappy shit.
It grates me he can be happy when I can't yet- I'm still clawing back my sanity and feeling human again , not doubting and double checking myself!!!!
I've tried OLD too but that's not for me as I just find its filled with fake men like him :-(

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

Ugh, what a cuntychops. I used to do this with my ex but now I replace his smug mug with a picture of a steaming turd (in my mind).

I don't mean to be flippant - I know it hurts.

[Gohackyourself]

I shall call him cunty chops (said in a dory voice lol)
Great name- it made me smile-

But honest - is it just time or is there something I'm not doing I'm missing?

[Handywoman]

Sometimes we need help to psychologically liberate ourselves from these turds - that's nothing to be ashamed of. Can you look into therapy? My no-nonsense psychoanalytic therapist managed to help me shift my perspective quite quickly (in contrast to my trainee counsellor who was no blinking use whatsoever). I've looked on it as an investment in myself and my future. There's no point staying stuck - sometimes you need help to get your mind into a different place. Could you consider that?

[Gohackyourself]

Handy woman - thanks.

I've seen a councellor before through work as I work in frontline services where it's quite common to experience stress/trauma every day-
That somewhat helped - but I couldn't afford to do it alone:-(
Could you/would you give some ideas of the "ideas" they put to you?

[Handywoman]

Difficult, really, we trawled through my family and perceptions growing up, values I learned in childhood and put the story of my marriage together again and looked at how inevitable it was that my ex and I had a) got together and b) unravelled. It put it in a whole new light which allowed me to 'let go'. There is plenty of work ongoing but that was the main thrust of it.

[Gohackyourself]

Well I guess mine was I was lost and it was rebound:-( but I should have and did see through it quite quickly- stupidly we split for 7 months - like a fool though- I fell for the con artists words/deception coz I didn't value myself- boom the rest is history :-(

[Handywoman]

Hack can you list all the ways in which you can value yourself & ways your life is better, and more under your control, without CuntyChops? Because I'll bet in many ways it is.... Can you write these points on PostIt notes and place them around your house?

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

Time is a big factor yes. Distraction worked for me too.

[Gohackyourself]

I think what the key is- after your suggestions yesterday is that I'm expecting him, now he's free from me ( in his world) I'm expecting a common level of decency-truth and honesty-which crucially I'm never going to achieve. If I didn't achieve it whilst married-nor his own friends and family , then I'm not going to get it now.

Stop giving him respect as my ex dh and treat him how I would any other person whom had treated me like it.
Cut them down to bare level manners.
Stop giving them info.
Stop giving them options to let you down with telling lies etc.

[donajimena]

All very good plans!
If it helps my ex had a three month affair. He 'chose' the other woman (as in the 3 month overlap was to see if was going to get off the ground and then he left me)
I was so upset and miserable and hugely angry that she didn't leave him after I made her aware that he'd been sleeping with both of us. I felt it was such an injustice that after all the pain he caused he got a new happy relationship whilst I was crumbling.
Fourteen months on he is miserable. He's sniffing round other women. She's no longer thinking that he's all that great and they keep breaking up and making up.
Fourteen months ago this was all I wanted. However now I don't actually give a shit. This is how I know I have truly moved on. I have a lovely new boyfriend too. This year has been truly amazing.

[Gohackyourself]

Brilliant dona- that's a great story.

I'm a lot better than the first year or so and am reasonably chipper- but then I'll have to have contact with him and it just returns me to being angry.

So I'll aim to stick to those plans and see what happens.

Thanks so much

[donajimena]

You will be absolutely fine. I guess if he's only recently got a girlfriend you couldn't chalk that one off in your recovery which is why its hurting more than you thought it would. Upwards and upwards from here on

[Gohackyourself]

It ll all end in tears anyway- she lives 300 miles away and he can only see her every other weekend coz until they ve been together 6 months - I'm not involving my son.

He wanted to take my son camping with this woman an her two children ,300 miles away in one tent- I said no - he called me unreasonable -
I said it's not unreasonable- you have known the woman 3 weeks- you have every other weekend to go out with her an make that journey.my son does not need to do any of it.
Alledgely I was still unreasonable?!!! Because he wants his son to fit around his new gf an life not the other way round- alledgely that's unreasonable!?!
Still I win that battle for today :-)