emotionless husband

[Potatoface2]

fed up....husband works long hours....always has....i know hes tired, but he has time for his pursuits and little time for me and over the years the children....my youngest is now 17....i cant bear another year of watching him sit watching tv, falling asleep in front of it and never spending anytime with me...im bored rigid....ive started to do things by myself but that has caused him to go into meltdown, complaining that we havent got the money...but we seem to have the money for his interests....its not as though i spend his money....i work too....theres other issues....too many to list.....i used to put up with them but ive started to get irritated by it....i said to him the other day that i love you but you irritate me.....maybe its a bit of the empty nest syndrome, going thru the menopause, etc....at the moment hes not speaking to me after a major fallout last weekend,8 days now,.....torture.....apparently im the moany bad person always on his case....yeah right....i feel like his mother sometimes.....cant get him to do anything around the house...whats pissed me most is hes run to his mother and shes made sniddy comments about me to my face.....but he wont discuss issues with me.....he shouts walks out and dont speak for days even when i apologise to him.....he says he wants a peaceful life....im sorry when you are married with family it isnt peaceful is it?

[Lweji]

He sounds great.

What are your limits?
Do define these and tell him that the way it's going he's going to have a very peaceful life alone indeed.
I'd define what the main issues are and tell him they need addressing. Either between the two or with the help of counselling.
Then decide based on his response and effort.

[pallasathena]

You're beginning to assert yourself and become independent and he's trying to shut you down. Wants you back in your box where you belong. Charming isn't he?

Ignore him and put yourself first.

[Potatoface2]

ive said about counselling.....he refuses.....he wont talk to me let alone a stranger....he says im the problem.....i keep the house too tidy....lol....i do go a bit over the top sometimes.....but maybe if i got a bit of help i wouldnt.....when i met him, he liked that i was houseproud.....he had a shitty upbringing.....didnt speak to his mum for years.....and she acts like the perfect mother now....bought up mainly in the pub by his dad (who is disabled now living in a flat by himself with minimal visits from anyone)...ive said to him you will end up like your dad....he doesnt care....said he would rather live in a bedsit than listen to me moan anymore....i said maybe i wouldnt moan if you actually participated in a bit of family life...ie...paid attention to me or the kids or did anything around the house....then he erupts and stomps out....calls me names etc.....i paid the mortgage for 18 years and recently put the payments to come from our joint account which i have no access to now ..(he took card away from me, doesnt want me spending his money)and all i hear is 'i pay the mortgage'....it doesnt register that i paid it from my account and i never mentioned it once in the 18 years i did pay it...i started to pay it due to issues i wont go into at the moment

[Potatoface2]

im not saying im perfect....ive had major depression, but continued to work and support the family thru some difficult times.....i asked him if he was depressed.....he says 'whats depression'.....have not ever got a straight answer from him!

[Seriouslyffs]

It sounds exhausting. Can you schedule time together away from home? Without the distractions of the house and work how do you get on?

[Lweji]

It's even worse than what you described at first, although I'm not surprised.
He has no right to take the card from you. It's financial abuse. You should report it and get a new one from the bank.

Who knows what he's going through but he's the only one who can sort out his side.
And, btw, I'm not surprised you got depressed.

I'd start the ball rolling regarding separation, discussing practical issues and see if that elicits a reaction. He probably doesn't think you really will do it.
But I'd be prepared to carry it out. Being alone sounds better than with some one like this. Or prepare for another few decades of the same, or worse. :(

[TheStoic]

He wants to be left alone. Make it happen for him.

I would encourage him to make good on his offer to move into a bedsit.

[Potatoface2]

ive said to him about divorce.....selling the house.....he said okay if thats what you want......i said you need to get the house on the market then and see a solicitor.....he laughed ....he really hasnt got a clue....he wants me to sort it out.....well im not.....he says he would cope on his own.....laughable as he couldnt even find a pair of pants this morning....thing is we have a dog and he said if he moves into a bedsit hes taking the dog....lovely a bedsit full of dog poo.....he cant be bothered with picking it up in the garden....when i said that he said he will give him to someone else then.....hes got no intention of doing it....its just to upset me....he has gone all these years not really doing anything with the children, now they are all older he puts on a pretence of being their best buddy, but they really havent got the time for him.....they love him but even they say hes not been the best dad....no input from him.....only when we are not speaking does he suddenly put on a big show of trying to interact with my youngest....she looks at him oddly...he hasnt a clue!.....oh and he did tell me to move out then.....i said buy me out then.....he looked a bit shocked at that!

[Potatoface2]

i suggest going out for an evening......it entails what he wants....playing darts, getting drunk, while i sit on my own, not drinking cos im the lift home...if we do happen to go out, it gets to 8 or 9 then we have to go home cos hes tired and wants to fall asleep on the settee watching tv

[Lweji]

Well, do the leg work. Report his abuse and get him out.
Find a solicitor and start legal procedures.

Don't stay to teach him lessons or expect him to lead.
You decide what you want and go for it b

[Potatoface2]

jesus writting this down makes me realise what a shit life i have and this isnt even the half of it

[Jan45]

Oh gawd, look if he is not remotely interested in having a proper relationship with you and that's what you want then simply call it a day, I certainly wouldn't accept this kind of situation, it sounds crap and I'd expect more from my partner, being tired is just an excuse cos he cannot be arsed to make any effort, let him have all the time he wants, on his own and go out and grab yourself a life.

[RoisinIwanttofightyourfather]

I'd ring the Estate Agent pronto and make an appointment for a valuation.

[ImperialBlether]

You know what? You deserve better than this. Much better. He sounds horrible. Maybe he wasn't always, but he is now. Can you imagine 30 or 40 more years of this? And you know bloody well he'll get ill and you'll have to look after him and he'll be moaning away constantly.

Get away now, while you can! I doubt your children will mind. Let him buy you out or you can force a sale.

Oh - and he's stopping you taking money out of a joint account? Do you put money into that account?

Go and see a solicitor asap - it'll be the best investment you've ever made.

[Phoenix69]

Make a list of everything he does that makes you unhappy
Then make a list of everything he does that makes you happy.
Which list is longer? I think I can guess.
Show him the lists. I can guess his reaction.
File for divorce. Nobody needs to spend their life living like this.
Go and find happiness

[Potatoface2]

thanks guys......this has made me see a bit of sense.....we took out a joint account when we first married and i had my salary paid into it....but ran into problems after about 5 years when he was having an affair and took all the money and spent it on the OW.....the mortgage didnt get paid ....so i opened my own account and paid the mortgage and the arrears from my salary...its only this year that i swapped it back to the joint account cos ive reduced my hours at work as im knackered .....yeah it gets better....hes had affairs too!

[ImperialBlether]

He's had affairs and spent the mortgage money on the OW?

Can you tell us what he pays for out of his own wages?

It's so plain to other people, OP - you'd be mad to stay with this man!

[Lweji]

What a prize twat.

You have certainly given him every possible chance you could and more. You owe him nothing.

[MatildaTheCat]

I'm pretty sure your depression will improve if you get away from him. As above, get to a solicitor and get started. Do you have anyone to support you other than DC?

Gather evidence of all financial records especially in relation to the mortgage and so on. Include his pension and absolutely everything. He will, no doubt try to wriggle out of giving you a fair settlement.

Be prepared to fight as dirty as he does.

Good luck.

[holeinmyheart]

Ok, sorry but you need to be a bit more cunning here. I think you should put some planning into place regarding a divorce.
However, I would not show my hand too soon as he sounds capable of being really nasty.
Stop disagreeing with him and be nice and then PLAN. Get all your paperwork into order, see a solicitor regarding your rights, check where all the money is and then go for the jugular.

He honestly sounds like a miserable selfish UNFAITHFUL twonk.
You deserve more. You deserve to be happy.
Best of luck