Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Really need some advice please?

13 replies

needhelpandadvice · 07/10/2015 14:51

Ok, married to H for 13 yrs and we have 1 DC. H has always been kind of moody and touchy to things, sometimes nothing in particular.

I have always just managed this but now DC is here, (7) I have been expressing that he can not act like this any longer.

He fell out with me last week as I told him I didn't want groped whilst serving dinner.

He will huff and mood for days, but this is just one of the many episodes this year and I had enough. Earlier this year he didn't speak properly to me for 4 days!! This used to upset me but now it feels normal.

He again said he would leave, usually I say no lets work things out and things are fine for 2 - 3 weeks, this time I didn't, so he has himself nearly somewhere else to live, that would be us separated.

But now I am panicking!! Is this really the only way, we go around in circles and im not sure how much more I can take. He is so moody, its constant worry and eggshells and I know DC feels this but doesn't understand, she loves him so much. I love him but my head cant do it anymore.

Do I let him go? He says he loves me too, or is there a way we can resolve things??

OP posts:

Report

needhelpandadvice · 07/10/2015 16:01

Anyone?

OP posts:

Report

TheoriginalLEM · 07/10/2015 16:08

I don't think you should let him go - because i don't think he actually has any intention of leaving (at least nott permanently)

I think you should MAKE him go.

All this "im leaving" bullshit is him being controlling. The sulking and the not talking to you - controlling. I bet you adapt your behaviour (maybe put up with a bit more groping than you want to for example, biting your tongue - walking on egg shells!) to stop him from doing this.

Its insidious and it has to stop. The only way i can see it stopping is for him to leave.

You do not want your DD to be walking on eggshells. I grew up with warring parents, constant rows, periods of sulking - i have serious anxiety issues.

Report

goddessofsmallthings · 07/10/2015 16:12

It's not clear from your post whether your h has found somewhere else to live or whether he's still looking. Which is it?

You've had 13+ years of his moods and your dd has had 7. Isn't that enough for both of you?

If couples counselling can't persuade him of the need to change his ways before he does irreparable damage to your dd, I suggest you let him go so that she and you can experience the joy of living without having to dance on eggshells around a moody twat who's got no respect for either of you.

.

Report

shovetheholly · 07/10/2015 16:13

The fact that he would rather sulk and play these mind games over his place of residence rather than sit down and sort things out with you like a grown up tells you everything you need to know about his priorities.

You have stepped out of his controlling lines by demanding to be treated properly and for issues to be talked out instead of sulked about. He is now relying on you to be the one who cracks and makes up - so that he can re-establish control. The only thing you can do is to keep resisting. Either he'll come back and accede to some justified requests for him to see a counsellor and for behavioural change, or he won't - in which case, you know that his continuing to sulk was more important to him than his marriage.

Life can be much more pleasurable (and simple) without someone like this as a partner.

Report

goddessofsmallthings · 07/10/2015 16:22

On reflection I'm inclined to agree with LEM that you should make the moody fucker sling his hook and reserve the suggestion of counselling until such time as he expresses himself desirous of changing his ways.

Report

YouLostMeThere · 07/10/2015 16:32

needhelp hugs... I'm in a similar boat, and as confused as you. I'm going to lurk and see if anyone has constructive advice if that's ok? It's really hard isn't it?

Report

needhelpandadvice · 07/10/2015 17:08

I feel like my heart is going to burst, and I cant breath!!

It is taking every bit of me not to say lets forget and try this again, I just don't know if I have the strength anymore.

I am panicking about being alone, never meeting someone again, all these stupid things.

He will be getting a house within a few weeks.

I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Report

tableanadchairs · 07/10/2015 17:22

He is probably waiting for you to beg him to stay--well don't. Let him go,he will soon see that the grass isn't greener. You and your DC will be fine, you will no longer be tip toeing around walking on eggshells waiting for his next moody episode.
This is no life for you to live and not a good atmosphere for your DC to be exposed to.

Report

TheoriginalLEM · 07/10/2015 17:23

you will be stronger once hes gone. don't let him do this mind fuckery.

Report

goddessofsmallthings · 07/10/2015 18:51

I am panicking about being alone, never meeting someone again

He's not doing the mind fuckery - you're doing it to yourself.

Given the poor choice you made in choosing him for a husband/father, you're best advised to reflect on how and why you have allowed a man to reduce you to a state where not speaking to you for 4 days "feels normal" before you start casting around for another.

Your marriage isn't 'normal'. It's distinctly abnormal and it's highly probable that living in such a toxic environment will adversely affect the choices your dd makes in her adult relationships. Don't you want considerably more for her than to end up where you are now in 20/30 years' time?

It could be that, after spending time alone, he sees the error of his ways and it could equally be that, having experienced the joy of life without him in it, you're not willing to risk being held hostage to his moods again and that your new found confidence enables you to make an informed decision as to whether it's worth continuing your marriage.

That said, the future's unknown and you're best advised to stick to the present, take it one day at a time, and look forward to being able to fully relax in your own home and come back to it without fearing what the atmosphere will be.

Report

needhelpandadvice · 07/10/2015 21:21

goddessofsmallthings

Thank you for your response, I didn't reply straight away as it kind of hurt to read it but reading it again I can see just how right you are.

He was my first proper boyfriend so this is my only relationship and all I have known. I used to think it really was normal and how lucky I was that he was loyal and not physically violent!

I hate to think of my daughter like this. I dip during the day and at points I think its me being the bad one by not saying lets try again.

Thank you again for making me see sense.

OP posts:

Report

goddessofsmallthings · 08/10/2015 01:34

When it comes to 'the future' there are so many possibilities, probabilties, and variables we could drive ourselves mad endeavouring to foresee every eventuality, and it wasn't my intention to be hard on you when trying to point out that fear of the unknown isn't justification for staying in a relationship that isn't enhancing either your own or your dd's life.

Knowing that you have no other experience to judge your marriage by further convinces me that you are best advised to separate from your h and work on becoming woman whose happiness and self-esteem aren't dependent on having a man in her life.

It could be that you'll meet 'the one' you were always destined to be with within days of separating, but it could equally be that you'll come to like the benefits of the single state so much that the idea of shacking up with another potentially moody twat becomes anathema to you.