Can you help me with how I can help my mum in UK

[isthismylifenow]

I have posted before about my personal relationship, which is non existent, due to separate but due to other factors it hasn't happened yet. Lets just say that I am not in a good place emotionally at the moment.

I do not live in the UK, although I am British. I never thought of returning to UK really either, but it has passed my mind lately.

My mother lives in UK, with her partner (they are not married). She has been divorced from my father since I was a child. She lives in her partners house, has no possessions of her own (furniture etc) as where she worked for years, she stayed at the live in accommodation which was offered with her job. She was forced to retire 4 years ago. She moved in with her partner into his house.

She has no family left in UK now. Her children and grandchildren are spread across the world. When she visits any of us (which is a few times a year paid for by us) she gets unsettled when she returns home and doesn't know where she belongs.

She is due to visit me later this year where we are having a family reunion. I have known that she isn't sure of where she wants to be and has spoken previously about moving here to live with me. For various reasons she hasn't and she seems to be getting a bit depressed as she wants to be with family. I should also mention that she had a wonderful job, earning a good amount, but she did not save a penny of this, she splurged on fantastic holidays often and spent every penny each month on clothes and a good life.

As I mentioned, I am going through a tough time. A sibling sent me a message to say that they heard from my mother to say that when she comes to visit later this year, she has decided that she isn't returning and is going to live with me. My sibling called to see if I knew about this. I knew that she was thinking of extending her ticket so that she could have her birthday here, but I didn't know of the permanent move.

All fine and well you probably think. We are her children and we should welcome her into our home, she is our mum. It is only me that she can live with due to others in different countries and various other reasons.

BUT. I don't even know what is going to happen to myself in the next few months. Everything is so up in the air right now and I am not coping well generally. Now to be TOLD that my mother is moving in with me, without any proper prior discussion, has just knocked me for six. Its not just about her living here, feeding one more person isn't the bee all and end all. Its all the other things that will fall on me to organise. We don't have public transport and so will have to get her a car. It will need fuel and insurance. There is no NHS therefore we have to get her private medical cover which is not cheap. She is used to living a nice life, getting out and about as she pleases on busses etc, that wont happen here. She is of the assumption, that she will come here and everything will just slot into place. It isn't, not just like that, we need time to sort things out with siblings and to discuss a proper plan for her.

My sibling has suggested that she stay in UK for a bit longer until I know what my situation is. She has now said that she no longer wants to live with her partner and the relationship is breaking down. She gets 220 pounds a month pension and nothing else. No benefits due to living with her partner.

What can we do from here, to see if she can get alternate housing there, so that I have time to adjust to my own new life (which currently I have no idea what that holds). Will she be able to qualify for some housing, what other benefits can she get?

I am so incredibly wracked with guilt about this that I cannot eat, just vomiting and haven't slept. None of my siblings are able to just hand out what she needs to be here. We are all battling, recession is upon us and we are all just barely managing to get through the month ourselves. If she has her pension converted here,it isn't a lot and wont cover what needs to be paid just for her to live here in a semi decent lifestyle.

If you are able to just comment on this. I feel like I am being so selfish and turning my own mother away. I just don't know how I am going to cope with another dependant as well as my two dc. I know she is a grown adult, but she will be dependant on me for everything.

I just don't know how to move forward, its just one thing after the next constantly right now.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is the relationship like between your siblings and mother these days?.

I would tell your mother now that if she visits she will need to return afterwards to the UK. If she cannot or will not abide by that then the visit is off. She cannot simply expect you to support her, you are yourself struggling to make ends meet.

I do not think you are actually under any obligation to actually help your mother now seeing as your relationship with her is very much non existent. She is your mother yes but if the positions were reversed would she be acting the same?. I daresay not. She has not discussed any of this with you directly, you have heard from a sibling that she wants to move in with you. She seemingly has given no thoughts whatsoever to the impact this would have on your family (I presume you have children?).

I presume as well the immigration authorities would expect her to be able to support herself if she did stay in your current country of residence. Not your fault she cannot, she spent all the money when she could and lived the high life and that was her own choice to do all that.

Also I daresay your mother is not wracked with guilt either but your guilt here is really misplaced. I would feel very angry at being potentially placed by her in such a position instead.

[isthismylifenow]

Attila, the relationship between all of us and my mother isnt broken down as such. We all live in different places, and it is me that sees her the most, just due to two of us siblings living nearer to each other - so she can at least see two children/grandchildren from here. The others live further away and she sees them less, although everyone makes the effort to pay for her way to see them, or they make their way to me to see her etc. I think she is of the belief that I am the most responsible for her as I am the only daughter. That is the whole thing, I do talk to her but she never told me about the move, only a brother, I have no idea why... It was just assumed I think.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I think she is of the belief that I am the most responsible for her as I am the only daughter".

Yes and that in itself is a problem and something that you are also going to have to address properly with both her and your male siblings. It is not acceptable at all that solely by dint of you being female she comes to live with you. Also you simply cannot have her live with you for very good reasons.

She will have to remain in the UK for a while longer and sort her own life out. Its not your fault that she made a long series of what have turned out to be bad choices; you are not responsible for any of that.

Do you feel able to talk to her now about what she said to your male sibling?.

[Joysmum]

Just talk to her.

Say you've got the impression that she's ready to jump ship and you want to talk through her best options as an exit plan until you get financially secure again.

[herooftime]

You need to speak to her about this as so far you only have your brother's word for this. She might have been blowing off steam to him, never intending to actually land herself on you.

[pootlebug]

Your guilt is misplaced. How dare she pretend to come for a visit if she's not actually planning to go home? She obviously does have some idea about potential difficulties it would cause - hence why she didn't tell you the truth.

In addition, you are not any more responsible for her than your siblings just because you don't have a penis.

The decision to live with a parent, as an adult, is a HUGE one - and one that everyone involved should discuss thoroughly before even contemplating it. The idea of bypassing all such discussion by pretending to come for a visit is appalling.

[Seriouslyffs]

Random question, but what was her job? Would she be eligible for an alms house?

[isthismylifenow]

What is an alms house Serious?

I cant talk to her at the moment. I am too emotional and the moment I try to tell her what has happened recently, I am going to sob and get distraught. This is going to upset her more. Sorry I should have mentioned that she doesn't actually know of my marriage breakdown. This has all happened at the same time.

[Seriouslyffs]

Details of Almshouses here

[Seriouslyffs]

You have an awful lot on your plate!

[Lightbulbon]

Does she not get a state pension in the uk?

200 a week isn't enough to live on let alone 200 a month!

You need to tell her about your relationship breakdown.

[isthismylifenow]

Thank you for the link Serious.

Light, yes she does but its not the full pension due to her living abroad for some years and paying full stamp. She gets 216 pounds per month. Do you know what else she would be entitled to?

I am going to chat to her later. I just need to man up before I call.