DP's Health Causing Big Problems help!!

[julezboo]

I dont know whether its me being unreasonable or him to be honest!

DP quit smoking Dec 27th last year, he did so well, although we went to hell and back because of his mood swings. I stuck with it because he tried his bloody hardest to just stop. He did so well till June, after a few mc's, things got stressed we argued he went out and bought some fags. Later that day I found out I was pg again. Didnt want to tell him because he had previously told me that he was moving back home with his mum, didnt want the fact that I was pg to force him to stay. I told him in the end before the day was out, he apologised said he would never smoke again, told me he was unhappy in his job and he was really depressed.

We made the decision to move 200 miles back to his mums house (she moved abroad) so he could go back to his old Job he loved.

Since moving down here, he had a medical at the new doctors, he is only 25 yrs old, weighs almost 18 stone, gets out of breath walking up the stairs, and his blood pressure is dangerously high. Im scared out my mind oflosing him. I suffered with high bp when pg with DS and i ended up having a stroke, now Im apretty healthy 10stone 24 yr old! Anyway the doctor told him he needs to eat better, stop smoking and do more exercise.

About 3 weeks ago I got aphone call at home from a panicked DP, asking me to pick him up from work because he couldnt see. Apparently he went all dizzy and his eye sight slowly went for a few minutes, he was in a real panic and said he thought he was having astroke. He admitted to me when I picked him up he had been smoking at work for weeks, but again promised me he wouldnt do it anymore because that scared him. He still is smoking everyday. Ive told Him how scared I am oflosing him but hesays Im nagging.

But it doesnt stop there. 9 times out of 10 he wont eat lunch at work. So he gets home he'll eat something before tea (usually crap), then he will have tea with us, with abowl of ceareal after tea.

We usually go to bed around 11pm, he doesnt usually go to sleep till around 1am and between 11pm and 1am, he will eat chocolate, yogurts, crisps, cheese on toast then go to sleep. Ive tried explaining to him thats the worse time to eat because whatever he iseating is just laying down fat and clogging his arteries.

Last night we was talking about it and it got quite heated. I was nearly in tears trying to tell him I wasnt nagging I was scared to death of being left alone with a mortgage and 2 kids (28 wks pg and ds(4) I told him we have a baby on the way he needs to look after himself a bit better and get his blood pressure sorted.

He went onto to say "keep nagging i might listen, or then again it will just make me do it more" and off he went to eat a chocolate mousse!

When he came back up i'd turned over, cant realy remember what he was going on at me about, but he got into bed and said sarcastically "love you too" I didnt say anything back and he said "fuck you then you stupid bitch" (queue the tears)

I got up and went to sleep on the couch, he didnt come down and I spent alot of last night crying. This morning he asked was I pissed off because he didnt come running down after i threw my "drama queen act" and asked was I sleeping there again tonight. I shrugged my shoulders and avoided him as much as I could.

It feels like he doesnt care whether something happens to him. I hate the way he name calls it hurts. I just dont know what to do anymore, its causing endless arguments. Ive tried keeping all the junk out the house but I cant stop him going to the ship and buying it. What can I do, I love him alot, we will be having a new baby in 10 weeks time but Im scared hes not gonna make it to 30 yrs old. I watched my dear nan die from heart disease and its killing me to watch DP do this to himself

[FourJays]

Poor you!
My dh stopped smoking a few months ago and then got stressed at work and started again. Doesn't eat at all any more. No lunch at work and last night didn't eat the tea I made but decided to have beer instead. He is always angry with me and we are having the separating conversation.

But you can't make him do anything - he has to want to do it for himself. My only advice is concentrate on yourself and your new baby - you need to rest.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

Hi Julezboo - you are both going through a tough time. Your DH might find WeightWatchers helpful to try and lose some weight. They have branches in lots of countries and you can also do it online. The first few weeks can be really tough but it does work. Has he tried nicotine patches?

[NotQuiteCockney]

Lots going on here.

I really don't think the nagging helps. You're treating him like a child, and that doesn't work for anyone. You have his best interests at heart, and of course you care, and you don't want him to die. But it's really 100% entirely up to him what he chooses to eat, whether he chooses to smoke, whether he exercises. It isn't your problem. In many ways, it's not even your business.

I say this because I used to hassle my DH about his eating habits etc, he wasn't as bad as your DP, but he wasn't great. And at some point I realised that hassling doesn't help, it just winds everyone up and pisses everyone off. So I quit. It's hard to not hassle him, but it feels much better to just not see it as my problem. He is eating better than when I was hassling him, too.

As for the rest - it sounds like you (both) have an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict within the relationship. Is couples counselling an option?

[throckenholt]

it sounds like he knows you are right - but doesn't actually know how to stop the addiction to cigarettes, etc. He feels he is not in control - so your nagging doesn't actually help.

Maybe you can work out a constructive plan to help - maybe with the GP - eg nicotine patches, hypnotherapy, exercise plan.

The other thing you can do is only make sure you have healthy stuff in the house - so at least he is not eating rubbish when he binge eats.

[Piffle]

julez, got similar probs here, although helth not an immediate concern but he's slipping into it.
I'm 25 wks preg and have 4 yr old dd and 12 yr old ds.
Dp works away, eats trash, works 14 hrs days, drinks every night, takes no exercise ever.
He is a lovely good tempered and kind man, with delicate ego and low self esteem
His weight is now a real issue for me looking at him physically, I refuse to nag him though, but if he asks me I tell him bluntly what I think.
He says he will join the gym and eat better when he stops working away - hopefully end of this yr.

I don't know how you can approach him on smoking and BP and weight - could tell him impotence is likely btw. which it is.
to some degree it has to be self motivated esp smoking and drinking.
hope you're ok it is scary
xxx

[julezboo]

Last night it started as a joke, he even jumped up at one point and jogged on the spot lol

I love him the way he is, I fell for him the way he is, couldnt imagine being without him.

[julezboo]

thanks piffle

I keep thinking maybe its the pg hormones making me over react. Hes just informed me hes read this post and that i think hes doing it on purpose to spite me, then he logged off.

I know hes scared of losing me because ofthis pg (ended up in a coma with ds) but Im doing all theright things to prevent it. Just thought he might understand how I felt. Says Im making out that he made me sleep on the couch, he didnt i chose to do that for some breathing space.

[fortyplus]

Nagging won't work - but I can see exactly what drives you to it.
I'd be inclined to say so to him - let him know that you have only nagged in the past because you love him so much and want to spend a lifetime with him.
Just let him know that you will support him in whatever way you can when he decides that it's time for him to change. He needs to believe that he DESERVES to be healthy - obesity is often linked to poor self esteem.

[julezboo]

i tried to tell him last night i didnt mean to nag, i was worried sick i was gonna lose him because I love him and couldnt bear to be without him

[BudaBeast]

Well as a size 22/24 with a problem with eating I can tell you that nagging doesn't work. If your DP is to change he has to want to do it for himself. I know this sounds really stupid and childish but if anyone comments to me it makes me eat more.

I don't smoke but I know cigarettes can be a lifelong addiction.

It is probably really hard for him to contemplate both giving up cigarettes AND losing weight. For me just thinking of the 6 stone I need to lose is depressing.

My DP is overweight too although is a non-smoker. He has a stressful job, doesn't eat breakfast, sometimes has lunch and then comes home and eats crisps while waiting for dinner Oh - and he's impotent - am sure it is all connected.

I think you need to sit down together calmly and discuss the whole issue. Hear each other out completely. Ask your DH which (if any) he would like to tackle first - weight or cigs - and then make a plan.

We have done the Atkins diet in the past and it worked well. You can do it fairly healthily believe it or not. Even just losing 10% of body weight makes a big difference to your health.

I do sympathise with him as it is very hard. You have to be in the right frame of mind and stay that way. Maybe if he lost 10% he could then see if he wanted to go further. That is sort of what I am trying to do.

[julezboo]

thanks Budebeast

Ive just sent him an email trying to explain how I feel, i know it cant be easy for him or anyone else in that position. He knows Ill help him as much as I can. I know when people quit smoking they put on weight tbh Id be over the moon if he just dealt with the smoking for now.

Ive got to run I have a hospital appt this afternoon

thanks all again x x x x

[JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa]

you have to stop nagging about the eating, there is nothing worse than being told what he must already know himself. I am overweight and my Mother constantly alludes to it and advises me, I know it already it is not not knowing what to do that is the problem it is actually changing things and doing exercise that I find difficult, but I knwo full well how to lose weight and not to eat bad things and to do more exercise as I'm sure your dp knows. it is up to him really.

[littlemisspiggy]

Hi. I tend to agree that nagging will tend to do the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. But it's clear you care about him.
My DH drinks far more than is healthy (I mean far more)but I have given up going on about it even though the issue does rear its head in arguments. He knows he drinks too much and regularly vows to himself that he is going to do something about it but the resolve never lasts very long. This week I have decided that rather than nag I am logging every single drink that goes down his throat (and mine for fairness'sake) and totting up the units. I will carry this on for several months and present him with hard facts at the end of it as to how much damage he is doing to himself in the hope it will scare him. He will hate me for doing it but tough. We too have 2 kids to think about.
All this to say really that perhaps you could do a similar thing (a la Dr Gillian Keith or whatever her name is) and show him some medical evidence that he is damaging his health.

[fortyplus]

I think controlling your eating is a different issue to booze/fags/drugs, because you can't GIVE UP, can you? A problem with the other 3 generally means giving up totally, but we still have to eat. I fing the GI Diet helpful - also a book called 'The Sugar Addict's Diet'.